Kids Don’t Have to Hug Grandma Now. Really, Girl Scouts?
When I first saw an ABC News headline earlier this week which read, ‘Girl Scouts Warn Parents About forcing Kids to Hug Relatives for the Holidays,’ I honestly thought it was for health reasons. Perhaps grandma is susceptible to pneumonia? Perhaps your great aunt can’t get sick because they are going through chemotherapy? Maybe granddad suffers from such bad arthritis that it would hurt him to even be gently touched on the arm by your little girl? I certainly, and perhaps, naively, never expected that The Girl Scouts of the U.S.A. were warning about consent.
On their site they begin, ‘Holidays and family get-togethers are a time for yummy food, sweet traditions, funny stories, and lots and lots of love. But they could, without you even realizing it, also be a time when your daughter gets the wrong idea about consent and physical affection.’ Well, happy holidays to you! The article discusses whether our children ‘owe’ someone a hug, because they haven’t seen them in a while, or because they gave your children an amazing gift, and how it can set the stage for our little girls questioning whether she ‘owes’ other person any type of physical affection.
I went through a range of emotions reading this, from feeling sad that this—even hugging your own grandparents—is now seen as a possible negative thing all the way through to a learning lesson. I literally spit out my coffee when I read the advice on the site that said, ‘Saying how much she’s missed someone or thank you with a smile, a high-five, or even an air kiss are all ways she can express herself.’
Um, not to make a sweeping generalization about being Jewish, but a high five or an air-kiss would definitely not fly when it comes to our (sometimes) overbearing, yet oh-so-loving grandparents in my kid’s life. The Girl Scouts are asking parents to give our children the ‘space’ to decide when and how they want to show affection and that we shouldn’t force our kids to hug and kiss family members. Sigh.
Where do I begin? First, I guess my family is totally and utterly blessed. My children’s grandparents live and breathe for their grandchildren. They show up every weekend for hockey games. They gladly take the kids for overnights. If one of them notices that one of my kids needs a new pair of winter boots, they are on it like they’re personal shoppers for my kids. And, yes, they spoil my kids rotten. As they should, because they are grandparents and spoiling grandchildren is part of the job description. How do my kids show their appreciation for their grandparents who always go out of their way for them? They hug them! They tell them they love them! They hug them again!
Dr. Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist based in New York City and Sarasota, Fla., who was quoted in the ABC article, says that ‘Parents should be careful to not create ‘a mass hysteria about physical contact with loved ones,’ especially during the holiday season.’ My thoughts exactly. As parents, are we suddenly obliged to have a talk about inappropriate touching when it comes to their loved ones? That’s not to say that frequent talks about consent shouldn’t happen, but I’m just floored that it’s come to this.
When my daughter’s grandparents come to Toronto from Calgary and stay in a hotel, even at age 14, my daughter will often share a bed with her grandmother—not for lack of beds, but because they both want to cuddle together. They walk the streets holding hands. Likewise, my son’s other grandmother also likes to sleep with my five-year-old, because he likes when she tickles his back as he falls asleep.
Rowan and her grandparents
Of course, our girls need to learn about consent and when lines are crossed and if they feel uncomfortable to speak the f**k up. But it seems excessive, at least to me, that because of all the recent news of celebrities sexually harassing women, they seem to be encouraging parents to tell our children that they don’t have to hug their grandparents or give a quick peck to another relative, even if they haven’t seen them in months. Dr. Taylor added, “The awareness of unwanted contact that we have right now is needed … I just caution parents about limiting family attachment and that kind of loving space that a lot of time only happens at the holidays.” I’ve raised my children to know that family is everything. Am I really supposed to tell my daughter, ‘Oh, by the way, let’s talk about consent….Your grandparents are coming to visit!’
Yes, of course all of us mothers have at some point had to tell our children to say ‘Thank You,’ or, ‘Give Nana a hug,’ but not because we think our children ‘owe’ them a hug or kiss, but because we are good people, who are trying both to teach our kids about appreciation and how important family is, while at the same time, making sure our children’s grandparents don’t feel unloved or under-appreciated. Maybe it’s because I have such a soft spot for grandparents that it seems almost cruel to tell kids that, ‘Hey! It’s okay to just high-five the people who probably love you the most in the world and have a proven track record!’
Of course, it would be completely irresponsible not to recognize that, yes, there are episodes of sexual abuse perpetrated by family members, which is horrifying. In fact, some statistics say that up to one in three children will be sexually abused by a family member. So, yes, my children are lucky.
In my home, the three sets of grandparents would literally take a bullet for any of their grandchildren. But if I told my daughter, ‘Meh, you don’t have to hug your Bubby. Just give her an air kiss,’ not only would she break my mother’s heart, but, in my opinion, it’s just plain rude, especially when the grandparents go out of their way for them. It would break my heart too, since showing affection for those you love is extremely important for my kids to know and see.
So, yes, I do tell my five-year-old to kiss Nana goodbye. But he’s five and if he doesn’t feel like hugging her goodbye because he’s in the middle of a game, well, she understands that. But no way could I imagine myself telling my daughter to fist-bump them if she didn’t feel like it.
Luckily, my daughter loves to hug and cuddle. I just have this sick gut feeling that this is a bad road to go down. I mean, really, even if your kid hasn’t seen their great aunt in four years, what’s so wrong with telling them to give her a hug? Is it THAT insane for parents to expect our kids to give a quick hug, especially when it can make an elderly person so incredibly happy? Why does it seem suddenly that our kids are making the rules on how they should behave while us parents just have to sit back and watch them potentially be rude.
That being said, there are two sides to every story. My colleague Shannon Kelly, Editor at Help We’ve Got Kids, is also a mother and reacted to this story in a completely different way. Shannon suggested I read a book, written by safety educator Pattie Fitzgerald, called, ‘No Trespassing: This is MY Body!’
Shannon told me, ‘The book helped me to open up this conversation with my 5-year-old daughter. We’ve talked about her trusting her own feelings when it comes to all kinds of touch, whether it’s hugging, kissing, tickling, playing tag. The message? ‘It doesn’t matter if it’s your grandmother, uncle, or even Mom or Dad, the most important thing is that you are in charge of your body and who gets to touch you. I think kids need to develop the confidence so that they can say no when something doesn’t feel right, even to a grown-up.’
Shannon says it’s not okay for her kids to be rude. ‘Saying ‘No, thank you’ is fine when Grandma asks for a hug. ‘But ‘Ew gross!’ is not cool’ she says. I hated to ask Shannon, who is super smart and kind, how she would feel if her daughter went to overnight camp, came back a month later, and refused to give her a hug. Shannon’s answer was, ‘Well, it might hurt my feelings but I wouldn’t force her.’ (It would crush me!)
The Girl Scouts told ABC News they offered the advice partly “in light of recent news stories about sexual harassment.” Agreed, we need to teach our girls about what’s right and wrong and especially since this conversation is so topical and horrifying. But do we really need to encourage (because that’s how I read it) them to watch out for Grandma and Grandpa and other family members who are so excited to see them?
One thing Shannon and I both did agree on was that the Girl Scout’s statement focused only on girls when this message—about consent—is just as important for boys. What do you think? Are the Girl Scouts of the USA taking this a tad too far? Or do you agree with their suggestion?
I totally agree with you Rebecca! Yes, our children should know about consent and that they can tell us (and should) absolutely anything, but our children also need to show good manners and affection, and one of the ways is through touch. I’m Italian, but most of my friends are not and when I meet up with them and see their children, we always hug. My child has always hugged and shared beds with grandparents and cousins. And when he was 14 he gained a whole new family through my husband and has hugged his new grandparents, uncles and aunts and step siblings.
As you said, your kids are very lucky. Sadly, a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of kids aren’t so lucky. The reality is that most kids are abused by people they know and at some point trusted. Family, teachers, coaches… The Girl Guides recognize this and work hard to help our girls become strong women who know their rights. Recognizing that rape culture starts in childhood is a great step forward for all of society and we need more PSAs like this! Can you imagine if your boss made you, an adult, hug a coworker after mediating a conflict between the two of you? What if he made you hug your colleague during your holiday office party? Regardless of whether you really like this colleague or barely know him/her, anybody forcing you to hug him/her would be awkward at best. So why is it ok to make our kids do the same?
My kids know that they don’t have to hug anyone they don’t feel comfortable hugging. There is a category of people that we have established together as being « safe » and Inhave told them in private that I think those people would live a hugs but at the very minimum, they MUST be polite and friendly towards them when they greet or thank them i.e. eye contact, smiles and enthusiastic exchanges. Anybody they don’t know or barely know (you mention the « great aunt they haven’t seen in 4 years », she would fall in that category) must also be met with polite and warm exchanges but I do not expect them to offer hugs (they are of course welcome to do so if they want to).
I find it horrifying when I hear people say « Go hug so-and-so » in front of other people. It’s embarrassing for the person who wasn’t spontaneously hugged and it’s uncomfortable for the child who is basically being politely scolded for not having spontaneously offered a hug.
My children don’t owe anyone physical contact. Sometimes, that means me too. And while my children have been told to be polite and friendly, they have also been told that if someone makes them feel uncomfortable, they no longer have the obligation to be polite and they can make it quite clear by whatever means are appropriate that they are uncomfortable.
My family is awesome and I trust them. But just because I trust them, doesn’t mean my kids have to. I want them to learn to trust their instincts. My daughter knows her body is hers and hers alone. So does my son. And every time I tell my kids they have the right not to be touched and that they must respect others right not to be touched, it engrains he message more and more. Hopefully, it will mean that my daughter won’t ever feel coerced (or worse) later on and my son won’t feel the « right » to coerce (or worse) in the future.
If your kids are comfortable hugging their grandparents, that’s perfectly fine. They’ve done it their entire lives. But if your kids only see their grandparents, their uncle, their aunt, a family friend once a year, why are they obligated to hug them? Even if they are related, they are strangers. It’s that scenario they are talking about. I often hear people telling their kids to give so-and-so a hug and the child is obviously uncomfortable with the situation. You wouldn’t tell another adult to give a stranger a hug, don’t do it to a child.
In short, if your kids like giving hugs to close family members let them continue. Don’t force a child to hug someone because the other person’s feelings might be hurt.
As somebody who went around the world interview survivors of sex crimes and gender based violence plus has an uncle in jail serving 30 years for molesting his 2 step daughters I %100000000 AGREE WITH NO FORCED HUGS
I sat by for years not knowing and hugging an duncle who was a pedophile who molested not only his step daughters and my cousins. It’s a miracle that I was spared. (He has a thing for sisters) My other uncle didnt care that his own brother was molesting his kids and forced them to be around him and dropped them off to be abused some more when he needed a free baby sitter.
This story is not at all uncommon I’ve had it retold to me in several versions across the globe. There are predators lurking at every turn. Like you said you’re lucky. The rest of aren’t so. If you give a shit about your kids do not sugar coat that anybody could hurt them but statistically speaking that person who does will know and have regular access to them. Letting your kids be apprehensive about letting other people touch them is a good thing. Some of the little ones out there dont even have the words or cognitive abilities to articulate what’s going on. All they have to go off of is instinct so if they don’t feel right to touch someone off the bat dont force it!
This article reads like it’s more about conforming to societal customs of showing affection, and about how you and your grandparents feel, and the optics of your family. I’m reading very little about how the child feels, when that really should be paramount.
Their grandparents are supposed to be mature adults. They ought to know how to handle rejection without feeling hurt or resentful. People can still love each other even after rejection, and that’s a better kind of love because now, we must always keep each others boundaries in mind and making sure we’re not making others uncomfortable.
Love without respect for boundaries looks good superficially, but it can never be real.
First, if your kids see their Grandparents every week, they are not the target audience. This is more of an issue when Grandpa is “some old guy I see once a year.”
It’s your job to watch your children and notice if they feel uncomfortable. If the child doesn’t have an issue, don’t make it one. If they are uncomfortable, try to find out why. Could be they don’t like the smell of Bengay. Sometimes kids don’t really know why.
This has more to do with teaching kids to trust their own feelings, than specific danger from Grandma. If air kisses are ridiculous, what about using words to say thank you? That’s a skill they will use the rest of their life. Or have them send cards. As a Grandma, cards are worth 10 hugs. More if they’re hand made.
P.S.
I agree it’s a boy and girl issue, but girl scouts is for girls, so they don’t feel a need to protect boys.
Also, it’s not just girl scouts, and it’s not the #metoo movement. I read this in Parents magazine back in the Eighties.
I’m going to be honest, I think it’s not just about sexual abuse, but teaching the child boundaries. If they are uncomfortable with touch, why are we forcing them? We are teaching them that their feelings don’t matter. I feel like if the grandparent, whom is an adult, can’t respect their physical boundaries, I have a lot of issues with them. There are many ways for the grandchild to express love without touch. Get creative. But forcing them to touch is teaching them horrible boundaries and teaching them their feelings aren’t important if it’s close friends or family.
Honestly, it just seems you’re more concerned with how you and your parents feel and that your kids would come off as rude and “break their hearts”. I’m more concerned about how my child feels. If my child is uncomfortable or doesn’t want to hug someone even if it’s a close family member that they either never hug or usually hug all the time, why am I forcing her to do that? Why am I teaching her to disrespect her own body, feelings and boundaries, why am I teaching her that how someone feels , especially an authority figure, is more important than HER, and HER feelings and boundaries?! You teach them young, because that’s how it starts, you teach them they HAVE to hug someone or kiss someone when they don’t want to, you’re teaching them that being polite is more important than being safe, then being respectful to their own instincts, needs, wants, to their own body, and feelings, it REALLY is a big deal! It’s teaching compliance and to literally ignore their own body and boundaries. I’m pretty disgusted by this article. And just shocked. I apologize for the harshness in that statement and you’re entitled obviously to you’re opinion, I’m just honestly shocked!
I admit it’s a bit uncomfortable to say I front of friends and family members wgg he in my child doesn’t want to hug them that it’s ok and they don’t have to, but those are MY feelings, that is MY conditioning. They are all grown ass people who can daa was l with it. Oh you’re feelings are hurt because a CHILD doesn’t feel like high it you? Please. We need to start treating children like humans, teach them that what they feel and think matter, and they can actually trust themselves, and trust themselves to know what’s right for them (obviously to a degree, I don’t mean they can decide whatever they want ) but to allow them to develop and listen and hear their gut and their instincts.
Also it IS usually family or a family like friend that abuses a child, and they test boundaries in front of you, the parents by hugging, kissing, tickling, massaging, cuddling, ETC, and see how much they can get away with. They’re smart enough to know not to HURT them sometimes they know how to get it by you and that they’re the last person anyone would ever suspect. So I’m sorry but I definitely would rather let someone be a little butt hurt over my child not hugging them and teaching my child that what she feels and wants matter. Obviously if she feels ok and want to hug someone then go for it.
We have decided in our family to allow our daughter to decide who gets to touch her in any situation. My mom is the type of grandparent to get pissed about it. In fact, she has so little respect for my parenting choice that she sent me this bullshit article. I am honestly shocked that you don’t understand why you shouldn’t force kids to hug or kiss people. I was forced to hug and kiss constantly as a child and now I loathe being touched. I despise hugs and I despise people that think physical touch is the only way to show love. This article is absurd and way off the mark.