What If I Don’t Want to Wear the Damn Bikini?

At the risk of saying the opposite of everything mothers are trying to express… I don’t love my mom bod.

I really, really, really wish I could say that the extra 20 pounds I carry and can’t lose after having my three kids makes me feel like a powerful, sexy woman. But it just doesn’t.

Yet I can also say, with 100% honesty, that I like me.

Really, really like me.

Confused? I am too at times.

Most days I confidently decide to only wear stretchy pants and accept myself. And, every once in a while, I eat those damn tacos because life is too short to not enjoy tacos and beer. Most days I focus on how much my kids and my husband love me and don’t worry for a second about how my thighs look, because who cares other than me?? I’m careful to never, ever say anything negative about my body or bodies in general in front of my three daughters.

But then, some days, I see a picture of myself at a bad angle and I fall into a silent shame spiral. Or I adjust my shirt in the mirror and see my stomach, with scars from a recent gall bladder surgery and my now weirdly shaped belly button on my stomach that hasn’t been flat for well over 8 years, and I have trouble with it.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t see anything that even remotely resembles Ashley Graham.

I see a ‘mom bod’ and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I’m also realistic. I can’t honestly say I’ve tried really hard to change my shape. I go running twice a week, I do a lot of walking, and our family makes healthy food choices more often than not.

But I don’t work out more than those two days of jogging, and I unapologetically love to eat good food and drink wine and beer.

I’m busy trying to raise good humans, be happy and functional and do all the adulting things we need to do. I’m not busy focusing on my weight. At all.

So, I’m not here to lament about my situation or ask for pity.

I’m just here to say that even though we’re supposed to love our new bodies after having babies, I don’t always feel that way.

My oldest child is 8, my middle is 6, and my youngest is 4. I am well out of the postpartum phase of life. But I haven’t ‘bounced back’, and by this point, I don’t expect to. I have accepted that this is my new shape. I haven’t fallen in love with it, but I’ve accepted it.

I think that’s okay.

I don’t miss out on fun with my kids, I don’t obsess or worry about how I look to other people, I put on a swimsuit and splash around and feel good in the summer. I think I’m a good mother and friend and wife and person in general. I know that life is short—I have seen firsthand how precious it is.

But I have also been one of those women who suddenly found my life completely changed after having kids. Everything changes. Our hormones. Our bodies. Our lifestyle. And not only are we expected to raise a human, we’re supposed to navigate all the new, strange things and be okay with it all.

We’re supposed to put on the damn bikini even if we’re not ready for it.

If you want to sport the bikini, I think that’s 100% fantastic. The way you feel about your body is all yours. It doesn’t change the way I live my life or how I parent or what I do on a day-to-day basis. The more we love ourselves, the better. I know that.

But what about those of us that aren’t ready to do it the bikini way? What about those of us who are accepting our bodies, but not ready to wear that damn bikini? Is that okay, too?

I think there’s room for all of us. There’s no one right way to do this life thing.

If you’re not quite okay with your body yet, or if you’re struggling with how you feel about it, and you’re not quite ready to put on the bikini, that’s okay too.

Whether it’s a bikini or a swimsuit or a bathing suit with a little skirt that you’re wearing—baby steps are okay.

Accepting yourself, in your own way, is just perfect.