Whether it’s soccer balls, playdates, lice-lady duty or the carpool schedule, this mom knows how to juggle a thing or two for the sake of her children’s well-being. While the Octopus Mom easily adapts to any child-centric environment, she’s most at home behind the wheel of her minivan driving children to after-school programs or on the soccer pitch, where she stands with the dreaded snack list. Her kids get lots of ribbons for participating.
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All play and no work makes Johnny a loser who won’t land a six-figure job on Bay Street. Tiger Moms are focused on one thing and that’s their children’s success. Who can argue with a Tiger Mom? (We won’t—we’re scared of her.) We’re best to applaud her drive and sing along as she belts out the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom:
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Always on-trend, Labradoodle Moms can be found shopping at Baby Gap, pushing designer strollers to hot yoga or downing soy-milk lattes (who does dairy anymore?). They look great in Hunter rain boots (even on sunny days), shop at organic food stores and source parenting advice from Gwyneth Paltrow. Labradoodle Moms are smart, well-educated, and they look good. Like their namesake, you can’t help but love them…if only they (and their adorable kids) would get dirty once in a while.
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Don’t be fooled by the appearance of these roly-poly animals—hippos are one of the most aggressive creatures in the world. Hippo Moms, like their animal counterparts, have no issues running the show or bringing down the competition if need be. Frequently found chairing bake sale committees and school fundraisers, Hippo Moms are the ones to watch out for lest you be assigned to the ‘Pizza Serving Kitchen’, at the school Welcome Back Barbeque. Hippo Moms are versatile, agile and not to be underestimated. She runs a tight ship and her kids are usually well behaved and good students.
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If you thought drug-free child birth, co-sleeping, and breast feeding made you an earth mama, think again. Meet the placenta party-ing, don’t-wean-em-til-they-leave-for-college Dolphin Mom. Though some might consider her a tad extreme, she’s the first person you turn to for advice when Suzy can’t get the knack of toilet training or Johnny wants to play with dolls while wearing your high heels (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
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‘Good enough’ are the watchwords of the Sloth Mom, frequently uttered as she lets dishes air-dry in the sink, trips over a Tonka truck or dabs her son with Tide to Go when he squirts ketchup on himself(even though he’s still wearing his pyjamas). While we might not aspire to live the same lifestyle, we all secretly wish we could be as chilled as a sloth mom and we certainly appreciate her willingness to offer a glass of Chardonnay and lend an ear to a friend in need. Her kids are happy and likely have an A in gym.
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Shark Moms, a natural predator of the Octopus Mom, are powerful and important (we know this because they tell us every chance they get). Solitary creatures, Shark Moms are just one conference call away from missing the kindergarten Christmas play or, for that matter, Christmas. Though sleek and stunning, Shark Moms can never stop moving, lest they die. This little known fact goes a long way in accounting for their predilection to reading email on their Blackberry while changing diapers and offering to host playgroup, only to be called in to the office. They’re tough, but they’re holding all their fabulousness together by a thread. That’s their little secret and it makes them more vulnerable than they like.