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Another article on parenting recently caught my eye and has had me pondering. It’s entitled “All Joy & No Fun—Why Parents Hate Parenting” and it recently appeared in New York magazine.
With a title like that, how could it not catch your eye? Especially if you’re a busy working mom with three kids born within 3.5 years of each other, who are all now old enough to give you lip but not old enough to drive themselves to their many different activities and sports practices, or to remember to brush their teeth! So before I even got started reading it, I wondered whether it would resonate with me. I can’t say it’s all roses around here all the time.
The article starts out with a series of statistics from a number of studies, all of which conclude that having children does not make you happier. So why do people choose to do something that, while good for the preservation of the human race, does not help them individually? (Reading the comments on the article on nymag.com, I was amazed by how many people were sharing—or is that admitting—that they didn’t want to have kids as they enjoyed their life just as it was and even having houseplants was too much of a commitment.)
But perhaps, the article goes on to say, we once did enjoy parenting (after all, having children was more of an economic asset as they could help around the farm). Today, the experience of raising children has fundamentally changed.
Reasons for this change include the pressure of (parentally-supervised) homework, lack of extended family nearby to help out, and too many organized activities. (Just as I was writing this, I came across another very interesting article on children and competitive sports and the impact on family time which referred to the Youth Sports Arms Race—need we say more). As one mom is quoted about parenting today: “There are just. So. Many. Chores.” Another reason given is the abundance of choices parents have to make today, starting from the variety of sleep-training methods and organic diapers to $1,000 strollers.
It’s not all bad news though, and the article concludes by sharing some thoughts on studies which correlate ‘purpose’ with happiness. Parents are less likely to experience the ‘moment-to-moment’ happiness but also less likely to experience regret for things they have not done and more likely to experience a deep sense of gratification and delights.
If you read it, I would love to know what you thought.
Comments
I think this article speaks more to a need to balance expectations of parenthood and other aspects of our lives. We cannot “do it all, have it all - all at once!” Patience is dearly lacking. Children are not projects, but little people who will open up to the world and become whomever they are destined to be…And my priorities are less on ensuring their professional success than wanting them to feel grounded, loved and blossom into good people.
Life is too short to speed through each day. To many we live a boring life - but I would change a minute of having dinner every night with my 3 kids (6 and under), cuddling on the couch to read together or spending a Saturday just hanging out in the yard.
I DO agreee that couples need to carve out time for togehterness on a regular basis - but again can be as simple as a walk or coffee date. And every person needs time to fulfil their neeeds whether its the gym, readign a book, meeting with friends. If you don’t fill your own cup, how can you share with others.
Parenting IS hard at times. But my little guys have made me a better person - saving me for my over-driven type A personality and infusing each day with unconditional love, unexpected laughter, and learing to “let go”...
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Thanks for the link to such an interesting article. As a mom of two (3 and 1 year old) I can certainly relate to a lot of the negatives of parenting highlighted in the article, however I thought the key was only hinted at near the end.
No one looks back and regrets having children. Sometimes those looks back happen on a daily, weekly, monthly or annual basis - not necessarily once your children have grown. How often do parents look back after a week of crying and disrupted sleep and see that their 10 month old now has two new teeth and is (finally) sleeping like an angel. Or the nursing mother who feels like she is chained to her baby realizes after that first year is over that those warm moments were some of the sweetest.
I do not know how a study could possibly measure those times that don’t necessarily register like the daily “fights” over getting dressing, and using the potty, and eating your vegetables….
What I do know is that sure, there is not a convertible sports coupe waiting in my driveway while my husband and I jet off on luxurious vacations but my life is full and my heart is full (even if my bank account is not!).
Thanks for the comments. It’s so true that some of the hardest times (such as the never-ending nursing) do turn into the sweetest times.
And it all makes me thing of my favourite parenting quote, which always strikes a chord with me: “The days are long but the years are short.” I try to remind myself of this every night after the usual bedtime struggles of getting three kids into bed as my almost 10-year old keeps reminding me that she is going to be a decade old soon! Where did the time go.
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