Parenting is the toughest job there is. It’s not just the first few months of sleep deprivation—it’s more about the fact that as soon as you think you have it almost figured out, you move into the next phase. The job of a parent doesn’t get any easier with experience—as evidenced by the fact that after about 15 years of parenting you realize your skills really haven’t improved at all.
All parents are clear about the degree of difficulty involved in their job, but not all of them admit it. Those non-admitters are the ones who are not to be trusted in my books. I don’t trust a parent who acts like they have it all figured out and I certainly don’t believe that their life is any better or easier or happier than anyone else’s.
Take Amy Chua, for example. She’s a Yale law professor and author of a new book entitled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother which examines the cultural differences between Chinese and American mothers’ approaches to parenting. An article from The Wall Street Journal titled ‘Why Chinese Mothers are Superior’ pretty much sums it all up in the headline. Amy Chua thinks she has it all figured out. Her autocratic ‘Chinese mother’ approach to parenting is what produces straight A students, and successful adults. No A-minuses allowed. No sleepovers, no boyfriends, no sports.
Not surprisingly, this article has sparked huge debates online—dubbed the ‘global mommy wars’—as a debate over Eastern and Western values and how they project into parenting. It’s all very interesting, but I don’t wish to get into the back and forth on which parenting style is better. My issue is not about her strict rules (I support strict rules and fully endorse her belief in hard work—for the record). I just don’t buy her self-righteous attitude that her way—or that of what she refers to as the ‘Chinese mother’—is what produces high-achieving, superior children. It’s just not as easy and straightforward as she describes, and most parents would agree with me that there is no blueprint for success when it comes to parenting. I also question her values with respect to measuring ‘success’.
Here are a few questions I would like to raise on this issue. If you have any answers or comments, please share them below.
I’ll leave you with what my friend Kathy Buckworth had to say on the topic:
“While Tiger Mom might try to convince you that she rules the roost and what she says goes, the fact of the matter is, if you’re spending 99% of your leisure time forcing your children to practice the violin and to do their homework for three hours a night, I’m pretty sure at this point the kids have taken over your ENTIRE life.”
And where is the balance in that?
Comments
This is the second article I have read now on Amy Chu’s book. I really found your questions thought provoking and enough so to actually take time out of my busy schedule to post a reply.
With regards to question #3: 3.Why do Amy and other parents use their children’s academic success as a measure of their own success?
I think when we measure our own success/failure with our childs success/failures it is because we need affirmations of our ‘job’. Now I realize what I’m about to say doesn’t necessarily capture everyone as some people don’t like the conformity or structure of work places which is why they pursue other fields or run their own company. When you are working for a company, you get manager reviews (parent teacher meetings), bonus’s for good work, feedback from our piers and managers, charts to measure our productivity. Not to mention we doubt our own parenting so only get to know how we are on the right path by checking milestones and hearing/comparing with others. I think it has been also been passed down from generations to measure our child’s success by theirs; whether from our parent (or not) or just from society. Society I believe makes us feel an obligation to be responsible for that small person (infant, toddler, child, teen) and what they will become and achieve later in life. However, that raises another question, how much is this about nurturing and the persons own soul? I mean not all murderer’s, pedophile’s, sociopaths ect had a bad upbringing? They could have had the best upbringing and STILL become someone terrible. This is where it gets tough to draw the line, imagine said parent’s guilt? Already I’m learning that some things I teach my nearly 41/2 year old, she doesn’t necessarily make it her own which makes us individuals however I will continue to try to send what I consider the ‘right messages’ with the hopes of her taking it in. I think it’s also a bit of human nature a matter of survival maybe? We want our children to be able to have a good start before they need to fend for themselves.
I could say more as each point seems to lead to another but my day and my daughter are waiting. Just thought I would give a quick comment that ended up being longer than I anticpated.
Hi Minnow,
In direct opposition to Amy Chua’s parenting style, local Vancouver family therapist Jim Skinner has been taking our community by storm with his message that a democratic approach to family matters, where children are empowered by having input, is by far the most successful method of child rearing.
Skinner highly recommends the book Children: The Challenge, by Vicki Soltz and Rudolf Dreikurs, which is currently on my bedside table, and makes much more sense than Chua’s chilling methods - I highly recommend it, and will be doing a book review on my blog next week.
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