Alyson Schafer

Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and best-selling author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids, Breaking The Good Mom Myth and Ain't Misbehavin'. She is host of TV's "The Parenting Show" and an international speaker. Visit for more parenting tips.
Girl Hugging Mom for Comfort
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With scary and traumatizing events in the news, such as school shootings, your children may be frightened about their safety. If you’re wondering what’s best to do to ease their child’s fears, here are my five points for building your approach:

1. Filter and Process Information
Use your own adult wisdom to properly screen the traumatic information coming to your child to ensure it’s age appropriate. I suggest that for all but the most mature children, you simply turn off the radio and TV.  Even if you think your toddler doesn’t understand what is being said on the TV, the visual images are frightening. You can get information on the event yourself later by reading about it online, or by watching the news after the kids go to bed. Discussions are less likely to incite fear and anxiety than a news report will.

Even with the TV off, children will be hearing about the news through social media. With kids going online at younger ages than ever before, you will have to be prepared to explain, discuss and help make sense of what they are hearing. Make your parental presence felt as that will create feelings of security.

2. Don’t Lie
When discussing difficult matters, whether it is a random shooting, an abduction, an earthquake or someone’s cancer diagnosis, it’s important that you don’t lie. A child will likely uncover a lie and feel betrayal, lack trust in you and they’ll wonder what is wrong with them that their own parents didn’t trust them enough to tell them the truth. Instead, using the screening of information to decide which truthful elements are age appropriate to share. For a young child, you may simply say ‘something tragic happened at a very big mall, and many people are upset because a person died and many many people were scared.’ For an older child, ‘There was a random shooting at a food court and someone got killed. A lot of people were there and so it caused a big public panic. A lot of people were hurt and traumatized.’

3. Help Them Feel Safe
The bigger job is to help our children make sense of the random act of terror and restore a sense of calm security. Parents should reassure their children that Canada is one of the safest countries to live in, and that we have a very low crime rate. In fact, these types of random acts of violence are so rare that statistically speaking, it’s far more dangerous driving to the mall than the chance of being shot at while eating in the food court. I’ve also told my kids that if they don’t get involved in drugs and gangs, and if they pick a good life mate, they have just ruled out most of the reasons there are shootings. It’s more likely you’d be hit by lightning than a stray bullet. Lately, the news has been particularly gruesome so this is also a good time to discuss media and how sensational stories capture more ratings than the more mundane ‘firefighter gets cat down from tree’ type story. If media were properly balanced, we would all see that humanity is largely full of safe, loving people who do good deeds for one another. That is the more accurate depiction of our society.

4. Your Attitude is Infectious
Your children observe your reactions as a barometer for knowing how they should be feeling about events. You cannot properly calm your child’s fears if you are still worried yourself. Deliver your messages with a calm reassurance and don’t over protect or helicopter parent.

5. Respond to Needs for Extra Cuddles
It is natural for a child to become extra clingy when they have experienced some extreme stressor or trauma. They might even act baby-like in order to invite extra nurturing. Be generous with your love and cuddles. Touch has a powerful ability to release a cascade of chemicals in the body that helps relieve stress. Just be sure you don’t alter some basic limits and boundaries or feel pity. Pity sends the message, ‘I don’t believe you can manage,’ when in fact we want our children to know that we believe they can! That is a vote of confidence which builds their self-esteem and sense of security.

Comments | Tagged under kids, parenting, lessons, love
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Alyson Schafer
November 19, 2012
Alyson Schafer
Kids and Religion
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When the holidays come, we feel obliged to make that once seasonal pilgrimage to our supposed church/synagogue/temple. That’s when we’re reminded that another year has passed, and gulp, weren’t we supposed to be doing something about our children’s religious education?

Let’s face it—a lot of young families don’t do ‘religion’ anymore for a lot of different reasons. There has been a decline in both attendance and membership at churches and other places of worship over the last decade. This means a growing number of kids have no sense of affiliation with a faith or a faith community at all.

Extremists argue both sides—some stating that parents who don’t bring faith to their children’s upbringing should be deemed ‘negligent.’ At the polar end, some hold the opinion that parents who force their faith on their impressionable child are being abusive, comparing it to mind control and brainwashing.

Many of the world religions have core themes taught through different accounts of history and story narratives but virtually every religion has a version of ‘the golden rule’ whether it is Christianity’s ‘In everything, do onto others as you would have done unto you, for this is the law and the prophets’ or Buddhism’s ‘Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.’

Regardless of our individual views, we have to at least teach children to be tolerant of religious differences. Our society is multicultural and diverse. Parents of two different religious backgrounds can model how to live with this difference. Bottom line: don’t fight about how to love!

So we can’t leave our children’s moral and ethical development to chance. Have you got a plan at all? If not—work on one.

However you spend the holidays—Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Diwali, Kwanza and more! 

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