We just experienced Bullying Awareness Week last week, and while I applaud the attention being paid to bullying prevention, I sure wish it was a not confined to one week or one simple school assembly saying “bullying is wrong”. That ain’t gonna cut the mustard.
To fully appreciate the complexity of the social conditions that contribute to bullying, and to tackle it head on, we have to make huge changes as a society—not only on the individual and family levels, but also at the school and community levels. In fact, all our social institutions and all our human relationships must shift their thinking to loving kindness and compassion in a new way. I recommend people check out the awesome work being done by Raffi at childhonouring.org [http://childhonouring.org/] to learn more about how to make systemic changes to humanity that will create lasting change.
I know that may leave you feeling a bit lost at what to do in the moment when your child arrives home with tear-stained eyes, so here are some immediate tips for those who must make a swift plan of action right now.
When You Learn Your Child is Being Bullied
Anti-Bullying Tactics You Can Teach Your Child
Hopefully, this will nip the attacks in the bud. It’s not the only solution, and if things continue, or worsen quickly, there are more levels of intervention to try. Bullying is so prevalent that every child should at least know these protective tactics so they feel armed to deal with problems should they arise.
Now parents—join your Parent Council and bring your own commitment to making all schools a loving, safe, inclusive environment. It’s a child’s right (both the bully and the bullied) to feel safe and loved everywhere they go.
Facing a death in the family is challenging. Not only do you have to manage your own grieving, but you’re also bridled with the task of figuring out what to say and do to help your children through the difficult times of understanding what dying is and help them cope with the loss.
So how can we help our children deal with bereavement? Consider these ideas on where to start:
Be truthful, but age appropriate. Aim to share the truth in age-appropriate ways. Use language that is concrete and simple. Young children don’t understand “He has gone to the other side” or “He is in a happier place”. Certainly never say “He is sleeping” or you’ll never have another anxiety-free, tuck-in again!
Instead, try something simple like “Grandpa had something they call ‘heart failure’. That means Grandpa’s heart stopped working because he was older and it was worn out. You need your heart to live and breathe”.
It’s fine to share your religious belief on the afterlife, but I recommend telling children that different people have different ideas about what happens to their spirit when people die, and then share what your faith believes. This is a great way to expose them to diverse thinking in the world and models acceptance of human differences.
It’s also okay to say “I don’t know” or “I wish I knew” to children. We don’t always have to have all the answers.
Help them cope with their emotions. Children need to express emotionally. It may take many conversations for a child to process all that they are thinking and feeling. Be sure to invite them to ask questions or talk about it at any time. Explain that there is no right or wrong way to feel, and there is no timeline to bereavement. Some people are very sad, other people handle sadness differently. That’s okay—some will feel sad later. Others will act angry or silly. Some children are not verbally oriented, and would prefer to draw or play-act their feelings. Be sure to offer outlets for different forms of expression. Be extra warm, cuddly and re-assuring in the coming weeks.
Healing can be an active process. Children, like adults, feel better when they can take some action to respond to a life situation that makes us feel powerless. Ask your children what they would like to do to celebrate and remember Grandpa. Perhaps they would like to draw a card and put it on his gravesite. Maybe they would like to share a favourite memory each night before going to bed, or make a photo album.
Handle hospital and funeral visits with sensitivity. Very young children will not understand the events happening around them, so leave trips to the hospital, or funerals to your discretion depending on their temperament. For older children, you can ask if they would like to visit the hospital and prepare them for what they will see (like explaining what an IV tube is, or how Grandpa won’t look the way he used to). Give them the option and allow them to change their mind. The same goes for funerals. Explain what happens at a funeral, and ask if they want to attend—but let them decide. If they decide to attend, bring another caregiver so they can exit with the children, should it be necessary. Having a private family memorial at home later allows you to say your good-byes in a setting that may be more memorable, and meaningful.
Check various resources. There are wonderful resources available to families. Recommended ones include:
I think it will help for them to know that there is an afterlife and that they can see their deceases loved ones again someday.
The best preparation for death my family has done is having pets. Fish, cats, dogs. We love them and lose them and the kids experienced grief and asked all the questions in preparation for surviving loved ones. It was completely unintentional preparation but it has really helped them understand the process and the finality of death of the body and it has prompted them to ask questions about the human spirit. We also take time to remember the pets and people we have lost by telling stories, some funny and sad. I can only imagine that it was easier when doing this for pets and that it is a good place to practice for the big losses they will suffer.
Comments
On what research did you you base your comment “we know this doesn’t help” for countering bullying with retaliation? The bullying will continue until someone bigger and stronger deservedly kicks the bullies’ asses. The schools are not doing a good enough job of solving the problem and many actually discourage parents from approaching other parents to try and resolve the issue. Which is why my kids will learn karate and self defense.
I agree with many points in this article but I still struggle with the “don’t stand up to the bully” theory. Some recent events in my son’s school seem to indicate that silence or “ignor-ance” of a problem can simply allow the situation to continue and increase the # of “victims”. Vs saying something out loud in strong enough language and forcefully enough to the offender which might also be effective in the right circumstances.