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Julie Freedman Smith & Gail Bell
When determining your family’s answer to this question, you will need to go back to the foundation—your own family values. Why does one apologize? When we feel remorseful for our behaviour, we find the courage to ask for forgiveness. This can be a difficult process and is most effective when it comes from within.
If you are directing your child to say sorry ‘in the moment’, you are not teaching, you are forcing them and potentially entering a power-struggle. This is an external motivation and will likely not result in a sincere apology, so the message is not really value-based (remorse, forgiveness, honesty).
Real teaching happens when we are not ‘in the moment’. During family times, when you’re at the dinner table, or on a car-ride, you can introduce the question, ‘What are our values?’ You might ask, ‘What happens if you treat someone poorly? What should you do? How do you make amends? What are some words you can use?’ Families can role-play this for practice.
If your child did something wrong, and an apology was not offered, you can wait for a quiet moment and remind the child, ‘It is still expected that you will apologize to your friend. Will you be writing a note, making a phone call or shall I drive you there? Do you need my help in coming up with what to say?’
Lastly, make expectations known. ‘The next time you hurt a friend, we expect you to apologize at the time. When you choose not to, your behaviour is telling us that you are not ready to go back for another play date.’
If the child is too young to get this, we can model for our children by saying, ‘I need to apologize on behalf of our family for Johnny’s behaviour.’
Remember, your behaviour is the best example for setting family values. Children watch you more than they listen to you.
Natural Rivals?
When a second baby arrives, our toddlers suddenly seem so mature. We still need to have age-appropriate expectations of their abilities to set everyone up for success.
Baby’s arrival can be as frustrating for Big Sibling as it is exciting for others. Big Sib didn’t want this new child and is no longer the star of the show. Surely, misbehaviour will bring all the attention that Big Sib needs.
Create a ‘treasure box’ with Big Sib, full of books, blocks, independent activities and shelf-stable snacks. At baby’s feeding time, invite Big Sib to grab the treasure box. He can help himself to a snack while baby is eating, then the two of you can read a book together. Giving attention for behaviour we want to see means that Big Sib doesn’t have to resort to misbehaviour for attention.
Be realistic about sharing—kids this age are egocentric—they believe that their point of view is the only one: “Everyone knows that I want this toy now. No one else will take it.”
We can introduce/model sharing by:
- Playing turn-taking games—passing a ball, truck or hat to each child for their turn. Kids learn that turns happen in a certain order and come around again and again.
- Get enough cookies or fruit to ‘share’ with everyone in the family and have your little ones share it so that they learn what it feels like to give to others.
- We don’t have to share everything. Let kids have ownership of one or two things which stay on a shelf where baby sib can’t reach them.
When kids are fighting over a toy, step in and guide children. Express your belief that it can work, “I know that you two can find a way to make this work”. Guiding when they are too young to do it on their own will be the first step in their development as problem-solvers.
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