Julie Freedman Smith & Gail Bell

Julie Freedman Smith and Gail Bell provide tools for real life parenting through their company, Parenting Power™. Using over 40 years of combined experience, they work with parents across the country through telephone coaching and teleconferences to ease the stress and guilt of parents while providing practical solutions to everyday parenting challenges. Visit www.parentingpower.ca to ask your own parenting questions, and learn how to receive 20% off all services as a Parenting Power Member!
Stopping the Repeated Argument
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Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over again?

Even if the daily fight (about mealtime, bedtime, bath or TV) is painful, at least we know how it turns out.

We step onto the dance floor, invite our child to dance, “Time for a bath okay?” and he does his move, “I hate baths…” and then, the tantrum. Your turn: drag him to the tub or talk about it for 10 minutes before giving in. Same dance every night. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Here are four tips on staying off the ‘dance floor’.

  1. Focus on your long-term family goal – Your son has a bath every night without a fight.
  2. Decide how your child will have some control – Move bath time earlier when everyone is less tired; let him set a timer 10 minutes before bath so he tells you it’s time for his bath, etc.
  3. Set out exactly what is required at bath time and who will do each task – Tasks could include checking water temperature, adding more hot or cold water, choosing toys, what gets washed, which towel to use afterwards, etc.
  4. Teach your son the new plan – For kids two and under, talk it through with them, using photos or drawings of the steps and make a book; for three and older, involve your kids in creating the written plan.

In either case, give your child a new script to work with and know what you will say to cue him and tell him what his lines are too. So the conversation looks more like this:

Son: “The timer means I have to get in the bath and then we can read books after I dry off.”
Or you: “The timer is ringing—what does that mean?”

The important thing is to immediately move into the new plan rather than worry if the dialogue has gone exactly as planned—ACT don’t YAK!

It is much easier to respond with respect when we know exactly what is expected, as well as how we will respond when it works and when it doesn’t.

Need help with your new script? Visit us at parentingpower.ca or facebook.com/parentingpower.

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Comments

  1. Posted by Tracey Sanderson on November 15, 2011 at 03:13 PM

    I have 4 year old twins, who to say the least, have regular temper tantrums.  I have found a great way to negotiate with them—whether it’s getting them to do something I want or to stop being angry—I kneel on my knees at eye level and say “...but Alex or Zach, I love you so much, you are just so handsome - please don’t hurt mommy’s feelings”.  Sounds funny, but it works and I get them everytime.  Just food for thought.

Easing the transition from mat leave to childcare
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Today, many parents are information-rich/experience-poor. Books and blogs leave us believing that we already know how to do things when we haven’t actually done them. As you head back to work for the first (second or third) time, remember that you have never done this before.

One way to ease this gigantic transition is to give yourself permission to be inexperienced. Set yourself up for success and know that the process of mastery involves many stumbles (where the learning actually happens). It could take many months for the new situation to feel comfortable for everyone in the family.

Remember to pause for vision. Determine the goals for yourselves as parents and for your children along with the values that are important to your family.

Expectations will vary for every family. Some ideas might be:

  • We will give our family three months to settle into this new routine before we decide whether it is working
  • When we sit down to eat as a family, we will not answer the phone (even if the boss calls)
  • It’s ok if we only get to cleaning the (fill in the blank) every other week instead of weekly
  • I won’t let parental guilt stop me from following through on a limit/consequence I set for my child—making excuses for my child does not help her in the long run
  • I can work with my child to help her create a new script for saying goodbye at the daycare

With values as your starting point, and a vision of your goals (for the month or the decade), you still need a plan of how to get there (in home, work and family life). Be realistic about what you can and can’t do:

  • Invite others to contribute to your new routine
  • Let go of some personal expectations and see if you can budget for help to be hired
  • Create routines for the family so that the little ones have predictability around heading to and from childcare
  • Prepare your script: “It’s ok for us to feel sad—this is a big change. I know that we’re doing the right thing. The adults here will keep you very safe and I know that you can find the courage to stay here, and feel comfortable.” If you can’t say this script with confidence, it’s time to revisit the values and the vision for your family.

We’ll be happy to help you parent with a plan—come find us at parentingpower.ca and leave your questions on our Facebook page.

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