Like many 12 year olds, my daughter recently completed her “Babysitting Course”, which in theory will enable her to venture forth into the world of watching other people’s children with insight, knowledge, and experience. However, after having reviewed the course materials and grilling her on the information that was shared, I do believe that as a mother of four I should share some vital facts which seem to have been left out of the course content.
- Changing a diaper on a teddy bear, life sized baby doll or stuffed Elmo is nothing like changing the diaper on a real life, pooping baby. In order to replicate this activity without borrowing an actual baby, you could practice by stuffing an angry octopus into a small plastic bag. About 14 times. For one change. And if you think the squid ink is bad, well…
- Most children do not like going to bed. Most babysitting jobs span the exact timeline of getting children into bed. This is not an accident by the employing parents. They may have in fact secured your babysitting services entirely to avoid putting their own children to bed, for one night. A refusal to go to bed by the child, coupled with the 114th reading of GoodNight Moon will wear down even the most patient of parents. They’ve decided it’s your turn. Good luck. Wear protection.
- Parents will tell you that as long as the kids are safe, happy, and healthy (and put to bed on time, as per the last point), they aren’t fussed if you make a mess doing arts and crafts, feeding the kids, or playing games/building forts. This is a lie. We all hate coming home to a messy house and if you need to leave Junior in front of the television or video game for half an hour before we get home, it’s fine with most of us if it means all the couch cushions are back in their rightful spots.
- Parents who tell you outright that they try to limit their children to only half an hour of television per night are most likely to be the ones who let their kids watch television non-stop all week and are trying to lower their child’s average hours of viewing for that week, all in one night, courtesy of you. Good luck with that. Start building that fort.
- Use the “Well I’m just going to call your Mother and ask her” threats wisely. Kids catch on to this really quickly (just like the fake calls to Santa and the Easter Bunny). Practicing a fake one-way conversation with fake angry Mom is good practice for any babysitter. Do some role play with your friends.
- It’s not always a bad thing if the parents don’t have the money to pay you on the spot when they get home. Most of us feel so guilty that we made you wait for your money that we top up even more the next day when we drop it off. And never say “It’s too much.” We know what the real cost is of watching our own kids. It’s not too much. Reading GoodNight Moon one more time? Now that’s “too much”.
There’s a new industry that has emerged as an offshoot of one of the oldest professions in the world. It’s dirty, often takes place late at night behind closed doors, and creates controversy in terms of what’s really right and what’s really wrong. That’s right: Parenthood. But fear no longer, because today it is recognized that just because you actually are a parent doesn’t mean you’re necessarily qualified to be a parent, or that you should be expected to take on said parental duties.
Enter the Baby Concierge.
When I first heard this term, I immediately conjured up an image of the gravelly voice, cigar smoking, diaper-clad gangster baby we met in Bugs Bunny (Baby Face Finster, to be precise), cutting deals for Broadway shows, getting you into the best parties, finding a real sweet deal on some electronics, all from the comfort of his padded stroller. But I did a little research and apparently I should have been thinking more along the lines of a wedding planner.
As the mother of four children, I know the words ‘plan’ and ‘parenting’ really only go together as a birth control strategy, but Baby Concierge services will try to convince you that they can take the stress out of almost everything baby related for you, right from the moment the line on the stick turns blue. From doulas to diapers, nursing to nurseries and post-partum to pre-school, they can find the professional product or service to make your entrance into the world of Mommyhood or Daddydom a piece of baby-shower cake.
While I absolutely admire the intentions of these well-meaning service professionals to aid parents in their time of greatest need (and make a tidy profit as well, which as a capitalist, I also admire), there are some moments I feel that every parent should experience for themselves in order to wear the title parent, and not just Chief Procreation Officer. For instance:
- The absolute awe and wonder of seeing that babies can indeed get poo into the folds of their neck, without any special props or assistance, and the cleaning out of same.
- The discussion over whether the manufacturer’s ‘opinion’ (otherwise known as instructions) are being followed correctly for the construction of the crib, change table and dresser, which occurs organically and maniacally between Mom and Dad (there’s a special honour that goes to those who bought from Ikea, which is Swedish for ‘nice try’).
- Not having a defensible and professionally supported position against in-laws about why you do or don’t follow a certain feeding or sleeping schedule with the infant. Because it’s not the way they did it.
- Discovering that the stroller doesn’t fit in the trunk of the car because who would ever think to pre-measure that? The golf clubs (that you no longer require, FYI) used to fit.
- Putting the old ‘anyone can change a diaper, what’s the big deal’ theory to work on the new father of a baby boy. In his new suit.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for finding new, convenient and easy ways to do things, so perhaps I’m just a tad jealous these services weren’t around when I had a newborn. But in the spirit of growing and learning, I’m going to take a page from Finster’s playbook and find my own padded stroller to operate from. Minus the cigar.
Comments
That’s so funny, I especially like the ikea bit because my changing table is a kitchen island bought from ikea!