Sara Dimerman

Sara Dimerman is a psychologist and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families. She is one of North America's most trusted parenting and relationship experts and the author of three books: Am I a Normal Parent?, Character is The Key and How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?: The Answer to Becoming Partners Again. Learn more or listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching for 'helpmesara' podcasts on iTunes or visiting Follow Sara on Twitter @helpmesara.
Setting loving limits for our children...and seeing them through
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As adults, we live with limits every day. When we drive, we are required to follow specific speed limits. If we don’t conform to this, there may be consequences such as being given a speeding ticket and having to pay a fine. We are required to drop off and pick up our children at day care or school at prescribed times. If we push those limits, there may be consequences for this too. An internet resource dedicated to responsible gambling uses the slogan ‘Know your limit. Play within it’ as a way of reminding people to pre-plan how much they have or want to spend before getting carried away in the moment.

So, we are doing kids a favour by setting limits from a very young age. We are preparing them for the real world.

Children (and adults) feel a sense of safety when they know where and what the boundaries are. Even though children typically push limits to see how flexible they are, there is security in knowing that they exist. So, even though your child may resist and resent being told to turn the television off at a strict time to get ready for bed, most children (once older and wiser), will admit that having loving limits set for them is preferable to having no limits at all. When parents don’t set limits, children may perceive their parents as uncaring or uninvolved.

Setting limits creates a sense of order and structure. Imagine if we had no limits set at all? Everyone would make their own rules and the world would be a very chaotic place in which to live. Your home environment is a microcosm of what takes places outside of your walls. When children and adults within the family know what time to wake, what time to be at the school bus stop, what time dinner is being served and what time to have lights out, they thrive because their world is more predictable.

Establishing consequences in advance is a good idea too. So, you might say to your young child, ‘If you don’t hold my hand, then we will have to leave.’ Or if you’d prefer, ‘If you don’t hold my hand, I will need to put something around your waist and hold onto it so that I can keep you close.’

It’s up to us as parents to determine which limits are rigid and which can be bent. For example, you may be comfortable with extending bedtime to a later time on weekends or not pushing them to brush their teeth after they’ve fallen asleep in the car and want to go straight to bed. When agreeing to push the limits, make sure that your children realize that this is a conscious choice on your part rather than because you are throwing up your hands with the realization that you feel helpless. You might say something like, ‘you make a good point. I am willing to relax the guidelines tonight. But just so you know, this is an exception to the rule and not a permanent change.’

That way, your children don’t see you as a pushover, but rather as someone who takes their ideas into consideration, is flexible within reason, and is willing to make changes as necessary. They will likely appreciate this and learn from your modelling too.

Comments | Tagged under parenting, advice
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Sara Dimerman
July 13, 2015
Sara Dimerman
The Summer Activity Conundrum
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Years ago, my neighbour and I sat watching our then younger children run through the water sprinkler in her backyard, enjoying the sounds of their laughter and the soft droplets that the wind swept our way. Basking in the above-average temperatures of that June, she closed her eyes and said, ‘Ah, only two weeks to go.’ ‘To what?’ I enquired. ‘To no more early morning routines, school lunches, punctual 3 pm pickups and extracurricular activities. I can’t wait for school to end.’ I had to echo her sentiments.

It’s not just kids who count down the days until summer vacation, but many parents too. Some parents look forward to the freedom of their kids being away at overnight camp. For others, it’s more about not having to get the kids up at a certain time, fed and out the door. It’s about not having to do as much clock watching, about not having to conjure up interesting healthy lunches and then despairing when they come home uneaten. It’s about spending some quality family time together.

For some families, day trips are the answer. A trip to African Lion Safari or to the local zoo can be just the trick to bind a family unbound by too many individual activities throughout the year. Better yet, a weekend away camping or a few days at a resort or cottage can be the magical solution to relaxation and reconnection after a stressful school year.  It’s a time to linger over simple pleasures such as board games (even though I admit to calling them ‘bored’ games), playing frisbee or catch at the local park. It’s true that with all the programming and intense schedules that children, and their parents, manage all year, children often have a tough time transitioning from being busy every waking moment to taking on the slower, lazier pace of the summer. It may be for fear of their whining ‘I’m bored’ that parents organize similar schedules during the summer.

I recognize that not all parents have the luxury of hanging out with their children during the summer months, but for those of us fortunate to work part time or have summers off too, it’s an opportunity to reconnect with our kids. I’ve found that while some summer time planning is certainly warranted—three to four weeks of camp and a couple of weeks of family time works well for us—it’s great to leave half of the school summer break for kids to relax and invent ways to entertain themselves.

And then, just when you and they get the hang of lazy days and perfect the art of doing nothing in particular, it’s time to begin counting down the days to the start of another school year.

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