“My child is being bullied at school. What should I do?”
First of all, know that you’re not alone. Bullying is an all-too-common experience. A lot of parents are dealing with the same frustrating—and painful—experience as you are. Here are some tips on getting through this tough time with your child.
Empathize with your child, but do so from a position of strength. Let him/her know that you understand how awful it feels to be bullied—lower than low. At the same time, let him/her know that you’re not totally freaked out by the situation (something that’s easier said than done if you have a long history of being bullied yourself). Your child needs to feel that you can handle this and that you will be a source of support (as opposed to an emotional marshmallow).
Reassure your child. Let your child know that you take the problem seriously and that s/he has your support. Kids need to know that they no longer have to deal with this problem on their own. Teach your child how to respond to a bully (use humour that doesn’t put down the bully) and how to reduce the odds of being bullied in future (by coming across as a less vulnerable target, because bullies are notorious for picking on kids who come across as physically or emotionally vulnerable).
Arrange to meet with your child’s teacher. The school needs to know what is going on so that school staff can keep their eyes and ears open and be prepared to intervene when they suspect that bullying may be taking place. Your child needs to know where s/he can go and who s/he can talk to if s/he is being bullied physically (pushing, hitting), emotionally (name-calling, spreading of rumors), or socially (by being shunned by the group). You might also want to inquire about the types of anti-bullying programs offered by the school. Kids need to learn how to prevent incidents of bullying (by dealing with the underlying issues that can otherwise result in bullying) and how to defuse bullying situations when they first occur—by refusing to give the bully an audience.
Compare notes with other parents at your child’s school. Find out if any of their kids have had problems with bullying. Talk about ways to work together to deal with bullying at school, on the school bus, and online so that you can curb bullying together.
Find someone you can talk to about how you’re feeling. It’s painful to watch your child being bullied. You need an outlet for your feelings so that you can be strong for your child.
Keep strong and remember, you are not alone.
Comments
After having both of my sons physically bullied within the first three weeks of this school year, I must say that there are far too many empty articles about how to “handle” the situation. It is really disheartening to continuously find that there is more sympathy for the person who does the bullying than the one on the receiving end. What ever happened to consequence of action?
Of course, as a mother, my emotions are a little peaked when:
• my child doesn’t want to go to school because he is being singled out at recess time, or
• when my child has been told that he can’t bring toys to play with because others may want to take them away from him, or
• when my child has been told to stay away from the bully.
To say that the solution lies with the parent and the child who’s being bullied is as unfair as the school system that thinks that way! The problem lies with the child who cannot get along with others, who refuses to realize that life is unfair and that kids are going to have different stuff from him/her, who needs to be separated from the group until the other children no longer feel unsafe in the playground.
Life is unfair and kids need to learn to deal with that fact. If they see something they want, they can’t just go and beat someone up and take it away! This lesson has to be ingrained now, at a young age, otherwise you may as well slap the cuffs on the kid as society is preparing him/her for a life of crime.
I could go on and on, but I think you see my point.
Angela,
I am so sorry to hear about the pain and frustration you have encountered as a mom and on behalf of your son. I know a little bit about that kind of frustration as my son has been a victim too - although I don’t think his situation is as severe as yours. Certainly it is not as simple as saying the solution rests with the parents and the child. It is very much about how the school chooses to handle the bully. I agree. But Ann’s point is well made in that regardless of how well (or not well) the school chooses to handle the situation, it is still helpful for the parents to talk to the child who is the victim.
Best of luck in your efforts in helping your son.
Minnow
Great points! We are just going through this for the first time.
My youngest daughter told me last week that she has been teased since the beginning of the school year by two older boys that live on our street and attend the same middle school. This is my daughter’s first year in middle school. The issue ... the way that she looks. She needs braces badly but because she has not lost very many baby teeth we have been advised for the past two years to wait until she has her permanent teeth. Because my daughter has been so upset and trying to deal with this on her own (she didn’t want us to say anything because we know one of the families’ parents) - we had braces put on her front four teeth this morning - we were lucky there was a cancellation and they were able to get her started immediately after her consultation. She went to school so happy after her appointment today ... I’m just hoping that the boys don’t find another reason to tease my daughter on the way home tonight or we will be back at square one again!
Hi Angela -
I just discovered your comment today. My apologies for being so slow in responding.
In a perfect world, the onus would be on the bully and his parents to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, we are living in an anything-but-perfect world. That leaves the child being bullied and his parents to flag the problem for school officials the majority of the time.
It can be frustrating and exhausting to deal with bullying problems. I hope you can find other parent-allies at the school. That is the best way to make positive change: to rally other like-minded people to your cause. Good luck.
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