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Posts tagged under Behaviour. Show all posts.
Say You’re Sorry
“Say you’re sorry!” you demand of your angry five-year old who has intentionally pulled his sister’s hair. He stands in silence.
You demand an apology again. He manages an unapologetic “Soooory.”
“No, say it like you mean it,” you say.
He follows up with a more convincing apology, but not nearly as remorseful as you would have liked. You let it go.
What are the chances of your son feeling such remorse that he will not pull his sister’s hair again? What are the chances of his taking the initiative to say sorry the next time it happens? What are the chances of his going off to play having learnt a lesson? I’d say pretty slim to none. Saying “I’m sorry” as a result of having been told to do so, is merely an act of compliance. It does not teach empathy, remorse or encourage positive behaviour.
So, what’s the alternative?
Try this: lower your body so that you are eye to eye with your child and say something like “Pulling hair hurts.” Then, wrap your arms around the child whose hair has been pulled and comfort that child. Once you’ve comforted the ‘victim,’ turn to the ‘aggressor’ and say, “Did pulling your sister’s hair help you get what you needed?” By handling the situation in this fashion, you are allowing your child to see you displaying empathy towards the ‘victim’ and helping your child learn to explore different options.
You may also want to talk about a logical consequence if your child were to choose not to consider other options. You may say something like “I know that you are capable of choosing other options in the future, but if you don’t, then we need to consider what the consequences of your aggressive behaviour will be.”
Logical consequences (which must be relatable to the aggressive behaviour) may include: your child having to play alone for a period of time (following the incident) or of having to re-enact what happened prior to the hair pulling so that he can be helped to come up with different options for handling his frustration or anger.
This type of intervention may take a little longer than demanding and getting a hasty apology, but will likely result in better long-term behaviour and a more positive relationship between you and your child.
How can I tell if I’m experiencing Postpartum Depression?
There are a number of ways to differentiate between Postpartum Blues, (mild feelings of depression and anxiety that typically appear within the first one-to-two weeks of giving birth) and Postpartum Depression (more severe and persistent feelings of depression and anxiety that typically show up anytime from a few weeks to two years after the birth of a baby).
(Note: Postpartum Blues used to be called “Baby Blues”, but health care providers are increasingly using the term “ Postpartum Blues” to steer clear of any implication that baby is to blame for how mom is feeling.)
Here is where to start:
- Look at the timing of the onset of the symptoms. With Postpartum Blues (experienced by up to 85% of new moms), symptoms occur within one to two weeks following the birth of a baby. With Postpartum Depression (experienced by 10 to 15% of new moms), symptoms can occur anytime between a few months to up to two years following the birth.
- Consider the severity of the symptoms. With Postpartum Blues, symptoms of anxiety and depression are mild. With Postpartum Depression, the symptoms are much more severe. These symptoms may include feelings of sadness and emptiness, constant fatigue, trouble sleeping, changes to eating habits (either eating too little or too much), a strong sense of failure or inadequacy, intense concern and worry about the baby or a lack of interest in the baby, thoughts of suicide, or fears of harming the baby. (Note: If a mother experiences a severe depression following the birth of her baby—one in which she experiences hallucinations or thoughts about harming her baby or herself—she is said to be experiencing Postpartum Psychosis. Fortunately, Postpartum Psychosis is quite rare, affecting just one to two out of each 1000 women who have given birth recently.
- Be prepared for the need for treatment. The Postpartum Blues will resolve itself on its own within a couple of days. Take the best possible care of yourself in the meantime by getting as much rest as you can, asking for help from family and friends, and making an effort to get out for a walk each day. Postpartum Depression requires medical evaluation and treatment (typically medication and/or group or individual therapy). Other treatments such as bright light therapy may also be recommended.
It is important to seek treatment, because if left untreated, Postpartum Depression can lead to difficulties in bonding or caring for your baby. That, in turn, can lead to delays in your baby’s development. It can also put major stress on your relationship with your partner. The sooner you recognize the symptoms of Postpartum Depression in yourself and reach out for help, the sooner things can start to get better.
More on this topic — About Mom,
More on this Age & Stage — Babies,
Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over again?
Even if the daily fight (about mealtime, bedtime, bath or TV) is painful, at least we know how it turns out.
We step onto the dance floor, invite our child to dance, “Time for a bath okay?” and he does his move, “I hate baths…” and then, the tantrum. Your turn: drag him to the tub or talk about it for 10 minutes before giving in. Same dance every night. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are four tips on staying off the ‘dance floor’.
- Focus on your long-term family goal – Your son has a bath every night without a fight.
- Decide how your child will have some control – Move bath time earlier when everyone is less tired; let him set a timer 10 minutes before bath so he tells you it’s time for his bath, etc.
- Set out exactly what is required at bath time and who will do each task – Tasks could include checking water temperature, adding more hot or cold water, choosing toys, what gets washed, which towel to use afterwards, etc.
- Teach your son the new plan – For kids two and under, talk it through with them, using photos or drawings of the steps and make a book; for three and older, involve your kids in creating the written plan.
In either case, give your child a new script to work with and know what you will say to cue him and tell him what his lines are too. So the conversation looks more like this:
Son: “The timer means I have to get in the bath and then we can read books after I dry off.”
Or you: “The timer is ringing—what does that mean?”
The important thing is to immediately move into the new plan rather than worry if the dialogue has gone exactly as planned—ACT don’t YAK!
It is much easier to respond with respect when we know exactly what is expected, as well as how we will respond when it works and when it doesn’t.
Need help with your new script? Visit us at parentingpower.ca or facebook.com/parentingpower.
We just experienced Bullying Awareness Week last week, and while I applaud the attention being paid to bullying prevention, I sure wish it was a not confined to one week or one simple school assembly saying “bullying is wrong”. That ain’t gonna cut the mustard.
To fully appreciate the complexity of the social conditions that contribute to bullying, and to tackle it head on, we have to make huge changes as a society—not only on the individual and family levels, but also at the school and community levels. In fact, all our social institutions and all our human relationships must shift their thinking to loving kindness and compassion in a new way. I recommend people check out the awesome work being done by Raffi at childhonouring.org [http://childhonouring.org/] to learn more about how to make systemic changes to humanity that will create lasting change.
I know that may leave you feeling a bit lost at what to do in the moment when your child arrives home with tear-stained eyes, so here are some immediate tips for those who must make a swift plan of action right now.
When You Learn Your Child is Being Bullied
- Assure your child that they are NOT to blame. Kids often internalize things, believing they somehow provoked or deserved it.
- Assure your child that you will work with them to make this situation stop—that it is not okay. Inform the other supervising adults of the situation.
- Your parental involvement can be assessed on a case-by-case basis. I have recommended children switching schools immediately in some cases, but we don’t always have to go to the most extreme solutions first.
- A child has the right to walk the halls safely and eat lunch in peace. It should not have to be the child who is being bullied that has to make strategic shifts, leaving the bully to continue with his behaviour. However, every child should know some tactic strategies can actually nip things in the bud.
Anti-Bullying Tactics You Can Teach Your Child
- Explain that countering bullying with retaliation is never effective; it only serves to amplify conflict. Many parents want to teach their kid to ‘stand up’ to a bully, but we know this doesn’t help.
- Tell your child to appear unruffled, even though they will feel it inside. The lesson here is to NOT let the bully engage you or get your goat. If you do, they win. Instead, practice peaceful, non-engagement tactics. Try looking at a school book, or root around for something in your locker, look busy—anything to act distracted and uninterested.
- Explain that we all have power in numbers. Bullying tends to happen when the target child is isolated, so be strategic in taking friends with you when you go to the washroom, walk between classes and eat with a group.
- Leave incentives at home. If the bully is stealing your money or taking your hat, don’t bring them to school until the situation improves.
Hopefully, this will nip the attacks in the bud. It’s not the only solution, and if things continue, or worsen quickly, there are more levels of intervention to try. Bullying is so prevalent that every child should at least know these protective tactics so they feel armed to deal with problems should they arise.
Now parents—join your Parent Council and bring your own commitment to making all schools a loving, safe, inclusive environment. It’s a child’s right (both the bully and the bullied) to feel safe and loved everywhere they go.
Eat… sit… and be merry.
Yes, it’s that time of year when we gather around the table and enjoy holiday dinner with our extended family. Joy right? Ahh, not so much, especially if you are stressed about your uncouth seven year-old son’s behaviour. Will he break bread or break wind, or worse, toss bread? Or pout about hating his gravy touching his peas. Shouting “Where are your manners?” is just as much a part of the festive meal as the cranberry sauce.
We forget our children have substandard table manners until they’re under scrutiny of company and extended family. Suddenly we think that a stern look or a quiet reminder is somehow going to snap them into shape like yet another Christmas miracle.
We have to invest some time BEFORE the holidays to prepare our kids for the ways we expect them to behave when we have company. Here is my quickie table manners course:
Alyson’s Table Manners Bootcamp
- Don’t teach table manners during the special occasions. Instead, have some ‘fancy’ family dinners together in the dinner room with china, crystal, and gravy boats on a Sunday night. Get dressed up. Make it over-the-top fun, like you’re actors in a play. “Pardon me Jeeves, but would you care for some more water with lime in your goblet?”
- Teach instead of correct. Discuss manners in a relaxed ‘did you know’ way. Usually we just correct children for their mistakes which they hear as criticism. “Your bread plate is the one on the left” is nicer than “Hey, that’s not your plate, use the other one”.
- Explain that there are different levels of manners. These are based on the formality of the occasion. It may be okay to skip the napkin when you are eating grilled cheese for lunch, but Christmas dinner means you need to put the cloth napkin on your lap. Discuss this BEFORE company arrives. If you don’t, your children will think you are inconsistent and are just making up different rules all the time.
Create a list of misbehaviours (privately) that you specifically want to parent around and tackle them NOW. Three common ones and their solutions are:
- Interrupting while others are speaking. Try passing around the salt shaker, and whoever has it has the floor and can speak while others listen. You may also need to bring a timer from a board game to the table to make sure no-one fillabusts longer than three minutes.
- Getting up and down from the table. Try applying a logical consequence: “If you get up from the table, that tells me you are done the meal”. If your child opts to leave the table, so be it. Quietly and calmly remove their plate, and don’t offer alternative food until the next meal time. They’ll soon learn to stay at the table and eat enough to fill their tummy.
- Disturbing by bubbling milk and other hijinks. Most dinner disturbances serve to keep the limelight on the child. Instead of responding to misbehaviors with nagging and reminding, ignore poor manners and use distraction to engage the child in a more positive conversation. Ask them about their favorite superhero, or what they want to be when they grow up.
If your children don’t use their manners, you can excuse them from the table and invite them to come back when they do want to use their manners. Or you can excuse yourself and choose to eat in the kitchen where you don’t have to watch poor table manners.
Try some of these in the weeks to come BEFORE the big holiday feast with family. And when in doubt, you can always have the kids and cousins eat at a card table in the basement!
In the movies, holidays are about love, giving, kindness and caring. In the world of real life parenting, that isn’t always the case. No matter what’s in your child’s specially-wrapped package, her sister’s present will be better. Santa leaves way more presents at your neighbour’s house, of course, and while the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, the envy seems greener right in your own home.
Many siblings spend their lives comparing themselves to each other, vying for Mom and Dad’s attention. When it comes to gifts, the comparisons continue. Rather than hoping that jealousy won’t happen, we can let our kids know that it just might show up during the holidays, when shopping at the mall or when a playmate gets the exact toy they were hoping for.
With young children, the old ‘distract and re-direct’ move may be your best bet. However, if your kids have graduated to the “You-can’t-fool-me-with-that” stage, you need a new plan. Read stories about jealousy (such as When I Feel Jealous by Cornelia Spelman) so that your kids can tell you if and when they’re feeling jealous, and need some help. Acknowledge the feeling rather than telling them not to feel jealous.
It may seem like buying each child a matching gift or distracting one child while the other is opening presents would be the best way to get kids past jealousy. The truth is, it’s protecting them from ever experiencing the emotion AND from the opportunity to learn how to deal with it. If jealousy appears the moments the gifts are opened, try these scripts:
- Wow, I hear jealousy—I bet you wish you had a toy just like that. It’s ok to feel sad, so let’s move away so we can get your sadness out together.
- Perhaps when your brother has had a chance to use his new toy, he’ll show you how it works.
- You sound a bit sad. That’s ok. The feeling will pass. Let me know when you are ready to open your own presents and show me what you have. Some families have a two-hour no-share policy with new gifts, allowing the recipient a chance to try it out without having to share it with the jealous sibling. Let your kids know what your policy is upfront so that when you refer to it, they take comfort from the family’s plan.
Whether across the city or the globe, change can be scary for adults and children. These tips will set your family up for success.
- How do you feel? Children take their cues from their parents. If you feel anxious, scared or resentful, they will too. Work through your baggage. It will help everyone involved.
- Talk clearly. “Our family is moving to a new city!” rather than “How would you like to move to a new place?” If it’s not a choice, don’t pretend it is.
- Present age-appropriate facts. How will this directly affect them? “You will have a new room. We are taking your old bed and your stuffed animals. We will live really close to Grandma.”
- Accept all feelings. Don’t expect your kids to instantly love the idea. They may need time to adjust and might vary between excitement, fear and nervousness. Empathize with them: “Wow, sounds like you are feeling unsure about this – that’s pretty normal. Different people react differently to change. Take your time and ask me whatever questions you need to. Do you need a hug right now or do you want to think about this on your own for a while?” Just because your child feels one way right now, doesn’t mean it will be like that forever.
- Give control where you can. The kids can’t decide whether you are moving, but they might choose paint colour for their rooms, new towels for their bathroom or which books are coming with them from the old house.
- Thanks for the memories. Create a picture book of the old house, familiar places and old friends. You could also make a picture book of the new house so that it becomes known and predictable.
- The big day. Move your child’s bedding, stuffies and favourite books in your own vehicle if possible. That way, upon arrival, what’s needed for a familiar bed routine is easy to find.
Good luck!
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