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This is usually a very embarrassing situation that many parents think is only happening to them. It’s actually a very normal part of life though. From a very young age, children become curious about what’s down there (usually when the diaper starts to come off more regularly), and they discover that touching private parts feels good. Barring contrary cultural/religious opinions, a parent’s job is to teach kids when and where this behaviour is or is not appropriate.
With younger children, it’s more about distraction and prevention. There’s no need to respond and draw attention to the behaviour, it’s better to keep their hands busy and the diapers on.
Once your child hits age three and up, he can learn to manage the behaviour:
It might feel uncomfortable to talk about this with your young child, but keep it clean by using correct terminology and sharing basic family expectations at an early age. It will make future conversations less embarrassing.
Your daughter begs you to buy her a sweater. What do you say?
Your son announces he’s lost another lunch bag at school. What do you do?
For parents who give their children an allowance, the answer is easy, but figuring out how to handle the allowance situation just seems to generate more questions than it answers!
From my work with parents, I can tell you the three most frequently asked questions I hear regarding allowances along with the answers to help you get on your way.
*Alyson sits on BMO’s SmartSteps for Parents team of experts that created an interactive site for families to help parents teach financial literacy.
Few things are scarier than being woken in the middle of the night by the blood-curdling scream of a child in distress. In our groggy state, we wonder if they are being subjected to an exorcism while a jolt of adrenaline sends us flying down the hall to their bedsides.
More likely, they’re having a bad dream or a night terror. But which? The quickest way to differentiate between the two is notice who is the one that is scared (I kid you not):
Check out the differences between these two nighttime dramas so you’ll understand the difference and respond appropriately.
Nightmares – We all know what a nightmare is, right? A bad dream where you’re being chased by a rabid dog, or you’re lost in a strange school and can’t find your classroom can be SCARY! You wake up in the middle of the night (between 2 am and 6 am), recalling the dream and still feel frightened by the thoughts. Nightmares happen during REM sleep, the so-called ‘dream phase’ of sleep.
What to Do? Your child will be awake and upset, so you can comfort them and help them realize it was just their imagination, that dreams are not real and that they are safe now. Dreaming is a way of ordering the experiences and memories of the day. They serve as a practice ground to experiment with how we might handle life’s problems—they are rehearsed responses in our sleep.
Night Terrors – While every child will have nightmares, only some children will experience the sleep disorder called ‘night terrors’. Research is not conclusive about why children get night terrors, but it seems to be a sleep disruption related to an increase in brain activity during non-REM or deep sleep. Non-REM is the part of the sleep cycle that happens in the first 90 minutes of falling asleep. If you’re running to your child before you’ve even tucked into bed yourself, its probably a night terror. Your child will be FRANTIC, have his or her eyes open but you can see they are in zombie-state and non-responsive to you. They are actually still asleep (like sleep walking) and while they are wildly agitated and seemingly scared to death, they will not recollect this experience when they wake. It’s just unbearable for parents to watch.
What to Do? Similar to strategies for sleep walking, it’s best to not wake your child. Instead, steady yourself, talk calmly if you must talk and assure them verbally that they are safe. Don’t touch them, but keep them safe by removing anything they may flay against, step on or would cause harm. Put up a gate and lock doors if they are prone to moving about. You can mention these episodes to your pediatrician, but they will likely advice you wait it out until they outgrow it in the adolescent years. Until then, keep bedtime routines consistent.
Night terrors are awful for the parents. My eldest daughter (now 10) has had them since she was 3 years old and has just outgrown them this past year. Being overtired or going to bed without emptying the bladder first seem to make it more likely that one will happen. We resorted to lightly waking her after she had slept for 20-30 min. to disrupt that first sleep cycle which would (most times) prevent the night terror from happening.
There is very little in the literature about this, but it seems to be linked to anxiety and mood disorders later in life.
Let’s face it: we might have missed the boat with our kids who now drink juice instead of water or milk. We may have learned too late that 100% juice is really just 100% sugar water where their pancreases and livers are concerned. We may even have insisted on juice as a responsible replacement to pop. It’s just too depressing now that we are in this deep to even think about the fight that would ensue if we removed these liquid beverages from their day. But if you would like to come along for the ride and reduce the juice, you are totally welcome to join in…even once in a while will make a difference.
Herbal teas come in all flavours and colours. Some even taste like licorice, very berry or are orange-y-licious! Brew a huge batch of your choice and include a couple of Rooibos tea bags to add Vitamin C and other nutrients, as well. Stir a small amount of stevia or honey to sweeten—as little as you can get away with—and let cool. Pour it into a pitcher and store in the fridge. It’s the new juice! (Reduce the amount of sweetener each time…see if you can get to zero.)
Could it be that the first step in reversing obesity, liver cancer and diabetes is as simple as boiling water? Come on!
If someone reports your child has been bullying, here is what to do.
Work co-operatively with the children to help them come up with a way to correct the wrongs and heal the hurts. This may take some time and be inconvenient to parents and children alike, but restorative justice is important, and human healing requires time.
‘Mom, how did that baby get in your tummy?’ Suddenly, you stumble and begin to stutter—the stork seems like a great answer. What will you say?
One of the easiest ways to regain your footing and your ability to speak is by using a stalling technique. These come in handy when dealing with parenting questions, from toddlerhood to University. They give us time to gather our wits, seek out information, and teach our child that adults don’t know everything but are happy to do some research.
Follow that with a clarification to determine what is really being asked:
Finally, buy yourself some time:
Having landed yourself an opportunity to discuss these questions with your co-parent (or anyone else for that matter), you can develop a plan to answer these questions honestly and with information relevant to your child’s level of development.
Discussing confusing issues with honesty and some sense of comfort early on can set a model for honest communication in the future. If you’re looking for answers, we offer courses in what to say and how to say it. We can also recommend a list of great books to read on your own or with your child. Just email us at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over again?
Even if the daily fight (about mealtime, bedtime, bath or TV) is painful, at least we know how it turns out.
We step onto the dance floor, invite our child to dance, “Time for a bath okay?” and he does his move, “I hate baths…” and then, the tantrum. Your turn: drag him to the tub or talk about it for 10 minutes before giving in. Same dance every night. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Here are four tips on staying off the ‘dance floor’.
In either case, give your child a new script to work with and know what you will say to cue him and tell him what his lines are too. So the conversation looks more like this:
Son: “The timer means I have to get in the bath and then we can read books after I dry off.”
Or you: “The timer is ringing—what does that mean?”
The important thing is to immediately move into the new plan rather than worry if the dialogue has gone exactly as planned—ACT don’t YAK!
It is much easier to respond with respect when we know exactly what is expected, as well as how we will respond when it works and when it doesn’t.
Need help with your new script? Visit us at parentingpower.ca or facebook.com/parentingpower.
I have 4 year old twins, who to say the least, have regular temper tantrums. I have found a great way to negotiate with them—whether it’s getting them to do something I want or to stop being angry—I kneel on my knees at eye level and say “...but Alex or Zach, I love you so much, you are just so handsome - please don’t hurt mommy’s feelings”. Sounds funny, but it works and I get them everytime. Just food for thought.
We just experienced Bullying Awareness Week last week, and while I applaud the attention being paid to bullying prevention, I sure wish it was a not confined to one week or one simple school assembly saying “bullying is wrong”. That ain’t gonna cut the mustard.
To fully appreciate the complexity of the social conditions that contribute to bullying, and to tackle it head on, we have to make huge changes as a society—not only on the individual and family levels, but also at the school and community levels. In fact, all our social institutions and all our human relationships must shift their thinking to loving kindness and compassion in a new way. I recommend people check out the awesome work being done by Raffi at childhonouring.org [http://childhonouring.org/] to learn more about how to make systemic changes to humanity that will create lasting change.
I know that may leave you feeling a bit lost at what to do in the moment when your child arrives home with tear-stained eyes, so here are some immediate tips for those who must make a swift plan of action right now.
When You Learn Your Child is Being Bullied
Anti-Bullying Tactics You Can Teach Your Child
Hopefully, this will nip the attacks in the bud. It’s not the only solution, and if things continue, or worsen quickly, there are more levels of intervention to try. Bullying is so prevalent that every child should at least know these protective tactics so they feel armed to deal with problems should they arise.
Now parents—join your Parent Council and bring your own commitment to making all schools a loving, safe, inclusive environment. It’s a child’s right (both the bully and the bullied) to feel safe and loved everywhere they go.
On what research did you you base your comment “we know this doesn’t help” for countering bullying with retaliation? The bullying will continue until someone bigger and stronger deservedly kicks the bullies’ asses. The schools are not doing a good enough job of solving the problem and many actually discourage parents from approaching other parents to try and resolve the issue. Which is why my kids will learn karate and self defense.
I agree with many points in this article but I still struggle with the “don’t stand up to the bully” theory. Some recent events in my son’s school seem to indicate that silence or “ignor-ance” of a problem can simply allow the situation to continue and increase the # of “victims”. Vs saying something out loud in strong enough language and forcefully enough to the offender which might also be effective in the right circumstances.
Who knew common sense was just the thing to cure ADHD? A study done at the Children’s Memorial Hospital found just that as reported in MedPage Today. There is much debate about how to help these kids with their behaviour though behaviour modification techniques, supplementation, medication and diet. I will admit that my opinions on the subject are formed at a professional distance as I did not have a child with attention issues. I have, however seen the impact of this diagnoses on children I love as well as on many classrooms the children I love have been in. I know it is not easy.
But I also know for a fact that every cell in a body is made from the fuel (food) that goes in to it. If we accept that ADHD is a founded affliction of the cells in the brain that can be modified by drugs, it follows that they can be modified (for better or worse) and/or supported by food. Since I am willing and able to make dietary modification for each and every person in my home, it makes sense to me that one would start there.
And sure enough, it is known that diet is an established contributor and that the “development of ADHD was significantly associated with Western diets.” I am just surprised that this is news. Is it really? Do people still not know that food can affect your mood and energy level? Why would it be any different for a child?
“Simple diets low in fats, high in whole grains, fruits and vegetables are the best alternative to medication for ADHD”. How is food an “alternative”? Isn’t it the foundation? It is understandable that a parent would want to help their child as quickly and fully as possible. ADHD can affect every facet of childhood going well beyond the obvious of socialization and learning. But shortcuts almost always net shortcomings.
To boot, the above “diet” is also controlling for diabetes, heart disease, cancer, hypertension… Why wouldn’t it be the thing to start with to control ADHD symptoms? I have seen behaviour issues rise and fall with blood sugar. It turns out that these studies confirm that the issue isn’t the “sugar” itself. Avoiding blood sugar spikes with simple, healthy snacks ought to be standard to get the best out of the brain’s ability to focus. Study away if we must but teachers have been telling us for decades that well fed kids do better and are easier to handle.
For the record, three other findings were mentioned:
I advocate a step wise practical approach. Start with cutting out foods with a lot of sugar and artificial colors and flavors. That is a lot to do right there. Make sure the child is offered regular meals and snacks to prevent blood sugar swings. Some kids may need help transitioning into meal times in order to eat. This often makes a big difference. Focus on lots of clean foods ie real whole foods.
The next stage is often to try removing wheat, gluten and dairy. Then we can look closer at other elements of the diet. Victoria Pawlowski Registered Dietitian and Nutrition Therapist
When our kids hit preschool age, their imagination begins to grow. As with any developmental stage, there are benefits and disadvantages. An imaginary friend (or friends) may fill a void when there is no one else around to play. Sometimes the ‘friend’ is a fictional character from a movie or book. The ‘friend’ could also be a unique creation—a younger brother, pet or playmate with his or her own characteristics and behaviours. You may need to put out an extra chair for ‘Tommy’ or be sure not to leave him on the sidewalk when everyone else has come inside.
It can be informative to hear our children talk about their imaginary friends (or talk to them). Often, we can learn about our children’s feelings when they tell us that ‘Tommy’ is scared of going to the dentist for the first time, or that he doesn’t like playtime at school because other kids push too much.
We can definitely play along with imaginary friends; however, we need to take action when the ‘friend’ gets blamed for misbehaviours—a broken glass or spilled juice. We can use words like, “I expect you to take responsibility when you and Tommy are in the kitchen” OR “I saw you knock over the juice. What can you do to fix this situation? If you and Tommy cannot be careful, you will need to stay in the playroom.”
By five or six years-old, imaginary friends will fade away, being replaced by real friends. At this point, you may fondly remember ‘Tommy’ as being much more polite and pleasant than some of these new friends. The end of one stage marks the beginning of another.
Remember your favourite child stars? From their pudgy faces to their perfect dimples, these child prodigies had it made. Fame, fortune and a fantastic bank account—all before the age of 14. But then disaster struck. The baby fat melted, the partying kicked in, and suddenly these child stars were near bankrupt and barely getting by. Once the cameras stopped rolling, stars like Gary Coleman, Danny Bonaduce, and more recently, Lindsay Lohan, found themselves in a world of excess, apparently without any strong parental figure to help them stay on the straight and narrow.
When it comes to kids and money, it’s all too easy to lead them down a road of excess and expectations because simply put, we want our kids to have it all. But instead of fearing that your child may do without, you should instead be focusing on teaching important financial principles early in life. Child star or not, the sooner you teach your daughter or son money smarts, the more you can rest assured that your child will indeed not ‘want’ as she gets older—because smart girl, she can fend for herself!
Consider these five lessons to get you started:
Teach your children about value
Allowances are a great way to teach children about money and its value, provided the payment is offered as a reward rather than a bribe. The trick here is being able to distinguish the difference. A reward is provided when the child goes above and beyond that which is expected. A bribe is offered when the child refuses to complete assigned tasks—and needs a little incentive.
By rewarding your child only for exceptional service, they’ll quickly learn the value of hard work (and understand that sometimes in life you have to do things that you don’t like). Furthermore, you’re helping your child understand that each member of the family has a responsibility to contribute to the overall functioning and well-being of the family, thereby instilling a sense of responsibility and respect that money simply can’t buy.
Of course, that’s not to say that giving your kids an allowance is an entirely bad idea. If the purpose of the allowance is to teach your children how to manage money and expectations, then you’re on the right track. Just remember to be consistent and firm with what does and doesn’t warrant payment.
The three S’s
If your child receives an allowance or financial gift, make sure it is understood exactly how this money can—and should—be used. The easiest way to do this is to employ the three S’s:
Sit down with your child and help him or her understand why each of the S’s is important and how each one affects the other. Teaching your child how to strike a balance between these three areas is the first step to early financial planning and budgeting basics.
Don’t just say no
It comes as no surprise that children hate it when they’re told “no”. While many parents chalk this up to spoiled-child syndrome, that isn’t necessarily the case. More often than not, it’s because the child doesn’t understand the reason behind the refusal (and no, “because I said so” is not a valid justification). Granted, as a parent you have the final say, but when you’re a kid, this really doesn’t seem fair. So instead of simply laying down the law, take the time to explain to your child the reason behind your answer. The next time your child asks for a new toy at the store, tell them “no, because…” and have them repeat it back to you to make sure they fully understand. This exercise will not only help them comprehend their current predicament, but it will teach them to stop and think before acting on an impulse. (After all, impulse buying is a major contributing factor to consumer debt in adults.)
Plan for the future
Teach your child how to effectively manage money through a series of goal-setting exercises. Part of these exercises should be helping your child to identify his or her needs and then creating a plan that will help achieve the final goal.
For example, a need could be another pair of trendy sneakers. Step one could involve taking your child to the store to look at the various kinds of sneakers and to compare prices. If your child immediately gravitates towards the most expensive pair, stop and explain to them how this will affect their finances and how it might impact some of their other financial goals.
Encourage shopping around for better prices. Whether your child decides to purchase the expensive sneakers or not is irrelevant. What is important is that he or she has learned how current financial decisions can impact future goals. As long as the child is aware and accountable for the end decision, the lesson has not been wasted.
Make it fun!
Financial planning doesn’t have to be boring. Make it fun with games like Monopoly, Acquire or Money. These board games make learning about money fun and rewarding. If your child is too young to play these games, sit them down with a jar full of coins and help them to make change. This will help your child to identify the different types of coins, while at the same time improving math skills.
It’s about making mistakes
It doesn’t matter if your child is a budding movie star or an average fifth grader. Ultimately, he or she is going to make financial mistakes—and it’s your job as a parent to make sure that these errors are executed under your supervision so that the proper lessons can be learned.
Along those lines, as much as you may want to jump in, don’t give in to the urge to save your child when those mistakes are inevitably made; it’s very often the natural consequences of making mistakes that teaches the best lessons of all.
It starts with you
Perhaps most importantly, it’s your job to become a financial role model for your child. Just look at Hollywood stars like Neil Patrick Harris and Jodie Foster—it’s safe to say that these former child actors benefited from strong financial role models. And while your child may not have the income potential of a triple threat like Doogie Howser, she needs financial guidance nonetheless—give it to her now.
Parents find it shocking when I give the advice ‘don’t force your child to say ‘I’m sorry’ after an incident.’ They think I am letting kids off the hook. Not true! Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.
First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others. Yes, I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged. All of those pursuits are important. I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.
When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut, ‘Come on now, say you’re sorry,’ they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply, ‘I’m saaaawry’.
Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state. You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing just flew out the window as their parents put the spotlight on them and their screw up, which is now on public display. Embarrassing.
Next, you’re commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition). Well, it’s humiliating and degrade, frankly.
Why They Do It:
What to Do Instead?
I love Alyson! I have been reading her advice for years and it has positively helped me deal wiht many situations in parenting my 2 children for the better.
Two of my 3 children tend to escalate quickly. Apologies are hard to obtain in heightened stress, so I’ve learned to diffuse the situation first (so it doesn’t turn into an even bigger event) and then discuss the steps that need to be taken. This is hard when you’re in a public situation and others don’t understand why you arent’ demanding your child to make an instant apology. If I pushed for an apology when they were younger, they resisted and their brains became even more blurry from the stress (causing more ‘acting out’ for lack of a better word). Rather, at home and in most social occassions, I taught them to (if possible) make a short statement of apology, but if they are way gone, then I wait until they are calm to deal with apologies and consequences. It’s far more sincere, and sometimes requires even more steps because we have to go back to the place where the ‘victim’ is (drive to a friend’s house to deliver a sorry card or another token of good friendship).
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I tend to disagree with the answer to question number three. Suze Orman’s advice is to relate allowances with chores. She talks about children being required to complete the chores that they are always responsible for (ex. keep their rooms tidy, clean off the table etc.) prior to being able to “make some money” for themselves. She indicates that parents should create a list of chores that children can complete in order to make money and tie a value to those extra chores (things that are not necessarily the child’s daily responsibilities). Children should be able to complete these extra chores in order of lowest paying to highest paying (just like in the real workforce - you do not start out at the top). I think that Suze’s advice is great and will assist with employment skills. I like your advice on starting as early as possible. I would also suggest that children be taught that for every dollar they are earning, they put a dime into savings. It is just as important to teach about saving at an early age!