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A new year is a great excuse for starting fresh. My fresh start for 2012 is to begin the process of letting go of some of my mothering responsibilities. Now that my children are older (12 and 20) and fully capable of making their own beds, for example, or bringing their laundry hampers into the basement, I’ve decided to step back so that they can step forward. After all—I remind myself—am I really doing them a favour in the long run by always doing for them what they can do for themselves?
I want to be clear that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘doing’ things for them. If my daughter is studying in her room, there’s nothing wrong with surprising her with a cup of hot chocolate and cookies, even though she can boil the kettle and make a snack herself. Nothing wrong with offering to drive her to a friend’s because it’s cold out and she’d otherwise have to take the bus. These are examples of ways I can show how much I care. They differ, however, from feeling that I have to take responsibility because I think that it’s my obligation to do so, or taking responsibility because I fear being blamed if I somehow don’t perform in a way that has become expected. It’s about doing because I want to, not because I feel I have to.
My first step back means that I have to make sure that both of the girls’ alarm clocks are in good working order and that they knew how to set them. Who am I kidding? They are more adept at making electronic things operational than I’ll ever be. My next step involves sharing my intentions with them. Not in a way that makes them feel as if they are being punished, but in a loving, caring way. So, I told them: “I love you guys and I certainly don’t want to see you being late for school, but I’m also tired and stressed about having to nag you to get out of bed in the morning. So, I’m giving you advance warning that, as of the first day of school, I won’t be waking you up anymore. It will be your responsibility to set your alarm and get yourselves up with sufficient time to get out of the house on time. I figure that you are more than capable of doing that.”
The response wasn’t too favourable. Turns out they like being woken up by me, even when I’m frustrated. My older daughter asked if I could at least come in once and promised that I wouldn’t have to come back in. My younger daughter said how much she enjoyed snuggling with me in the morning. I almost stepped back into the ring, but I held back and stood my ground. As I write this, I am still feeling strong. I know that it will take nerves of steel to remain this way, especially as I see the clock ticking closer to the morning bell at school. I know that if I give in—even once—that the exception will become the rule and I will have blown my opportunity for a fresh start.
I figure that once I have remained resolute and steadfast in my attempt to encourage them towards greater independence, I can then move onto other areas. The possibilities are endless. Imagine—I may even get them to make their own school lunches or order pizza for the family.
When children are given more personal responsibility, they learn about accountability—such as when they sleep in, arrive late to school and have to explain why, or when they don’t complete their homework on time and have to stay in during recess to complete it. Their self confidence and self worth is also enhanced as they become more self reliant. They feel proud of being able to take care of themselves, proud to be ‘cleaning up’ after themselves and proud about becoming increasingly self reliant. My bet is that another positive side effect to pulling back is that, along the way, your children will show more appreciation when you do offer your help. When your time is more of a privilege than an expectation, they appreciate you doing for them rather than being disappointed or angry when you don’t.
Now, just don’t tell your children I told you so!
It’s frustrating to make it all the way through potty training with apparent ease, only to be knocked down by the kids who won’t stay dry at night. I know, I know—you’re thinking “God Lord, how long will this go on?”
Let me see if I can offer some advice to help you regain your sanity and give you some practical survival tips for this last haul in the training journey.
It’s common for five year-olds to still be wet at night. By age six, about 90% of children will be dry at night. Because there is always that small percentage that are late trainers, your doctor will probably not be concerned until about age seven. Many people won’t remember how old we were when we were trained, but will remember their childhood hassles of wetting the bed and subsequent embarrassment. It turns out that there’s a hormone to blame—it slows down the kidney at night so you make less urine when you’re sleeping. For some people, that hormone doesn’t appear until around seven.
If the doctor has ruled out a physical problem (and yes, there are a host of problems that can lead to night bedwetting, but I won’t get you all freaked out about that) then you can begin to work on dealing with a nighttime action plan:
Have patience. It will take time, and if it takes too long, speak to your doctor for recommendations (there are medications, bedwetting ‘alarms’ and more) but hopefully the other steps will lead to success first. Good luck—and may the mattress protectors be with you.
As moms, we all know that hands have the potential to carry disease into our bodies via our eyes, nose and mouth. When we get our kids into the hand-washing habit, we are helping their overall health and potentially ours as well.
Here are some tips to start this habit today:
Are you wondering why your child says she washed her hands when she didn’t? This is a common behaviour for preschoolers. One of the easiest ways to stop the lie is to stop asking a question when you already know the answer. Instead, state what you know: “I didn’t hear water. You need to go back and wash hands.”
We suggest a different script: when your child comes out of the bathroom, say: “Smell check!” If soap was used, the child will be happy to let you smell her hands. If not, she’ll head back in and wash them. No more arguing and no more lies.
Good to Know: It’s also really important to have a small container of hand sanitizer on hand in your purse for those emergency situations where a sink isn’t on hand.
Here’s a fun video that introduces the ‘how-to’s’ of hand washing to your younger ones.
When our kids hit preschool age, their imagination begins to grow. As with any developmental stage, there are benefits and disadvantages. An imaginary friend (or friends) may fill a void when there is no one else around to play. Sometimes the ‘friend’ is a fictional character from a movie or book. The ‘friend’ could also be a unique creation—a younger brother, pet or playmate with his or her own characteristics and behaviours. You may need to put out an extra chair for ‘Tommy’ or be sure not to leave him on the sidewalk when everyone else has come inside.
It can be informative to hear our children talk about their imaginary friends (or talk to them). Often, we can learn about our children’s feelings when they tell us that ‘Tommy’ is scared of going to the dentist for the first time, or that he doesn’t like playtime at school because other kids push too much.
We can definitely play along with imaginary friends; however, we need to take action when the ‘friend’ gets blamed for misbehaviours—a broken glass or spilled juice. We can use words like, “I expect you to take responsibility when you and Tommy are in the kitchen” OR “I saw you knock over the juice. What can you do to fix this situation? If you and Tommy cannot be careful, you will need to stay in the playroom.”
By five or six years-old, imaginary friends will fade away, being replaced by real friends. At this point, you may fondly remember ‘Tommy’ as being much more polite and pleasant than some of these new friends. The end of one stage marks the beginning of another.
Whether across the city or the globe, change can be scary for adults and children. These tips will set your family up for success.
Good luck!
Parents find it shocking when I give the advice ‘don’t force your child to say ‘I’m sorry’ after an incident.’ They think I am letting kids off the hook. Not true! Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.
First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others. Yes, I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged. All of those pursuits are important. I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.
When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut, ‘Come on now, say you’re sorry,’ they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply, ‘I’m saaaawry’.
Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state. You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing just flew out the window as their parents put the spotlight on them and their screw up, which is now on public display. Embarrassing.
Next, you’re commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition). Well, it’s humiliating and degrade, frankly.
Why They Do It:
What to Do Instead?
Time Magazine’s recent controversial cover has fueled mommy rants across the country. Even Saturday Night Live thought it was juicy enough to satirize.
I’ve decided it’s time to put my own thoughts on the page once and for all.
American Pediatrician Dr. Sears created a brand called ‘attachment parenting’ which espouses such practices as co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding and carrying babes in slings in order to meet a child’s need to know they are loved and cared for.
I think every parent would want a good ‘attachment’ experience with their child. However, the exact process of how you attach and how fragile that attachment is has lead me to observe some parenting practices that actually backfire and create more problems than they cure. Let me break that down into a few misconceptions the public harbour.
Misconception #1: Psychic Distress
Many parents believe that psychic distress is bad and will injure the attachment because they deduce a child’s need is not being met and that is supposedly an attachment parenting no-no. I disagree; in fact, certain psychic distress is exactly how we build mental strength and resiliency. Of course, everyone would agree that distress like living in a war-torn country, or witnessing or experiencing abuse is injurious, but having to walk instead of being carried in mommy’s sling is a different kind of stressor, isn’t it?
Just as the chick must peck its way out of the egg, using its muscles to strengthen its neck and lungs in preparation for life outside the egg, so too does a child need to struggle with disappointment, failure, loss and frustration. This is how one learns to trust one’s self and to manage life’s ups and downs. It builds a positive self-concept of being capable.
Misconception #2: Needs Versus Wants
Does the 3 ½ year old on the cover of TIME Magazine ‘need’ to nurse or does he ‘want’ to? At 3 ½, if nursing was a need, the dietary challenges to the mother would be immense. Suckling for soothing is not the same as providing breast milk for its nutritional value. Of course, soothing a child is an important parenting role, but so is teaching self-soothing. It’s a skill to be learned. Being dependant on a mother’s nipple to soothe is time limiting even if we disagree on what the timing is.
Attachment parents seem to over estimate their youngsters’ needs and under estimate their wants. Children who always get what they want come to expect that this is their right. They learn to use tears and upset to get their way instead of more socially adept methods.
Deciding to start and stop breastfeeding is personal. I don’t want a mom to feel she needs to carry on breastfeeding because she believes if she doesn’t the child’s mental health is compromised. Every women should respect themselves enough to honour their inner voice and listen when those ‘NO’ feelings arise.
Misconception # 3: Kids First, Parents Last
Parenting is about training our children to be cooperative and participate in the ‘give and take’ required of social living. No one should be unduly burdened or leaned on in the family. That is disrespectful.
Attachment parenting seems to focus solely on the child and not on the health of the entire family unit. Co-sleeping might be nice for a toddler, but if they kick, turn and disrupt the adult’s sleep, the needs of the parent to get proper sleep are being diminished. If we remind ourselves to go back to the simple notion of cooperation and ask if everyone is happy and feeling cooperative with one another then you can’t go wrong. If five people want to tangle together to sleep and they are all happy and willing to do so then ENJOY! But sadly, in my experience of working with families, this is rarely the case.
Usually it’s mom sleeping with a baby or toddler while dad sleeps disgruntled and alone in a kiddie bed or on the couch. Too many times I have seen co-sleeping as an avoidance tactic, using the presence of kids to avoid facing the real issue: a dying sex life between mom and dad.
If you want an attachment family, don’t forget to attach with your partner. You will be doing a great service to your children if you model attachment by having a good strong marriage and a good sex life only improves matters. I say, ‘reclaim the matrimonial bed’ and trust kids will benefit from seeing two parents glowing in the morning. If you are a single mom/dad and are co-sleeping, ask yourself whose needs are really being met? Yours? Or theirs?
In Conclusion…
Lets raise children who are loved and cared for and who feel a sense of connection and belonging in their family life. Lets show them how to manage on their own and with others while teaching them life skills. Let’s pledge to set boundaries and reinforce them. Let’s treat ourselves with respect and dignity too. And finally, never do for a child something they can do for themselves…even if it’s a hassle right now, it will pay off in the future.
I think you’ve hit the nail squarely on the head. Great article!
Comments
I love Alyson! I have been reading her advice for years and it has positively helped me deal wiht many situations in parenting my 2 children for the better.
Two of my 3 children tend to escalate quickly. Apologies are hard to obtain in heightened stress, so I’ve learned to diffuse the situation first (so it doesn’t turn into an even bigger event) and then discuss the steps that need to be taken. This is hard when you’re in a public situation and others don’t understand why you arent’ demanding your child to make an instant apology. If I pushed for an apology when they were younger, they resisted and their brains became even more blurry from the stress (causing more ‘acting out’ for lack of a better word). Rather, at home and in most social occassions, I taught them to (if possible) make a short statement of apology, but if they are way gone, then I wait until they are calm to deal with apologies and consequences. It’s far more sincere, and sometimes requires even more steps because we have to go back to the place where the ‘victim’ is (drive to a friend’s house to deliver a sorry card or another token of good friendship).