Posts filed under Preschool. Show all blog posts.
Parents find it shocking when I give the advice ‘don’t force your child to say ‘I’m sorry’ after an incident.’ They think I am letting kids off the hook. Not true! Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.
First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others. Yes, I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged. All of those pursuits are important. I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.
When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut, ‘Come on now, say you’re sorry,’ they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply, ‘I’m saaaawry’.
Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state. You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing just flew out the window as their parents put the spotlight on them and their screw up, which is now on public display. Embarrassing.
Next, you’re commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition). Well, it’s humiliating and degrade, frankly.
Why They Do It:
What to Do Instead?
When our kids hit preschool age, their imagination begins to grow. As with any developmental stage, there are benefits and disadvantages. An imaginary friend (or friends) may fill a void when there is no one else around to play. Sometimes the ‘friend’ is a fictional character from a movie or book. The ‘friend’ could also be a unique creation—a younger brother, pet or playmate with his or her own characteristics and behaviours. You may need to put out an extra chair for ‘Tommy’ or be sure not to leave him on the sidewalk when everyone else has come inside.
It can be informative to hear our children talk about their imaginary friends (or talk to them). Often, we can learn about our children’s feelings when they tell us that ‘Tommy’ is scared of going to the dentist for the first time, or that he doesn’t like playtime at school because other kids push too much.
We can definitely play along with imaginary friends; however, we need to take action when the ‘friend’ gets blamed for misbehaviours—a broken glass or spilled juice. We can use words like, “I expect you to take responsibility when you and Tommy are in the kitchen” OR “I saw you knock over the juice. What can you do to fix this situation? If you and Tommy cannot be careful, you will need to stay in the playroom.”
By five or six years-old, imaginary friends will fade away, being replaced by real friends. At this point, you may fondly remember ‘Tommy’ as being much more polite and pleasant than some of these new friends. The end of one stage marks the beginning of another.
Comments
I love Alyson! I have been reading her advice for years and it has positively helped me deal wiht many situations in parenting my 2 children for the better.
Two of my 3 children tend to escalate quickly. Apologies are hard to obtain in heightened stress, so I’ve learned to diffuse the situation first (so it doesn’t turn into an even bigger event) and then discuss the steps that need to be taken. This is hard when you’re in a public situation and others don’t understand why you arent’ demanding your child to make an instant apology. If I pushed for an apology when they were younger, they resisted and their brains became even more blurry from the stress (causing more ‘acting out’ for lack of a better word). Rather, at home and in most social occassions, I taught them to (if possible) make a short statement of apology, but if they are way gone, then I wait until they are calm to deal with apologies and consequences. It’s far more sincere, and sometimes requires even more steps because we have to go back to the place where the ‘victim’ is (drive to a friend’s house to deliver a sorry card or another token of good friendship).