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Posts filed under Teens. Show all blog posts.
A Fresh Start for 2012
A new year is a great excuse for starting fresh. My fresh start for 2012 is to begin the process of letting go of some of my mothering responsibilities. Now that my children are older (12 and 20) and fully capable of making their own beds, for example, or bringing their laundry hampers into the basement, I’ve decided to step back so that they can step forward. After all—I remind myself—am I really doing them a favour in the long run by always doing for them what they can do for themselves?
I want to be clear that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ‘doing’ things for them. If my daughter is studying in her room, there’s nothing wrong with surprising her with a cup of hot chocolate and cookies, even though she can boil the kettle and make a snack herself. Nothing wrong with offering to drive her to a friend’s because it’s cold out and she’d otherwise have to take the bus. These are examples of ways I can show how much I care. They differ, however, from feeling that I have to take responsibility because I think that it’s my obligation to do so, or taking responsibility because I fear being blamed if I somehow don’t perform in a way that has become expected. It’s about doing because I want to, not because I feel I have to.
My first step back means that I have to make sure that both of the girls’ alarm clocks are in good working order and that they knew how to set them. Who am I kidding? They are more adept at making electronic things operational than I’ll ever be. My next step involves sharing my intentions with them. Not in a way that makes them feel as if they are being punished, but in a loving, caring way. So, I told them: “I love you guys and I certainly don’t want to see you being late for school, but I’m also tired and stressed about having to nag you to get out of bed in the morning. So, I’m giving you advance warning that, as of the first day of school, I won’t be waking you up anymore. It will be your responsibility to set your alarm and get yourselves up with sufficient time to get out of the house on time. I figure that you are more than capable of doing that.”
The response wasn’t too favourable. Turns out they like being woken up by me, even when I’m frustrated. My older daughter asked if I could at least come in once and promised that I wouldn’t have to come back in. My younger daughter said how much she enjoyed snuggling with me in the morning. I almost stepped back into the ring, but I held back and stood my ground. As I write this, I am still feeling strong. I know that it will take nerves of steel to remain this way, especially as I see the clock ticking closer to the morning bell at school. I know that if I give in—even once—that the exception will become the rule and I will have blown my opportunity for a fresh start.
I figure that once I have remained resolute and steadfast in my attempt to encourage them towards greater independence, I can then move onto other areas. The possibilities are endless. Imagine—I may even get them to make their own school lunches or order pizza for the family.
When children are given more personal responsibility, they learn about accountability—such as when they sleep in, arrive late to school and have to explain why, or when they don’t complete their homework on time and have to stay in during recess to complete it. Their self confidence and self worth is also enhanced as they become more self reliant. They feel proud of being able to take care of themselves, proud to be ‘cleaning up’ after themselves and proud about becoming increasingly self reliant. My bet is that another positive side effect to pulling back is that, along the way, your children will show more appreciation when you do offer your help. When your time is more of a privilege than an expectation, they appreciate you doing for them rather than being disappointed or angry when you don’t.
Now, just don’t tell your children I told you so!
More on this topic — Parenting Solutions,
More on this Age & Stage — Teens, Tweens,
Digital Dilemmas
Our children experience enormous pressures to be online all the time. They are starting as young as 2 years-old on the iPhone and evolving to the 8 to18 year-old spending more than 7½ hours per day in digital activity of one form or another, and that doesn’t include cell phone use.
Some schools require children as young as 10 to have a Think Pad and to maintain a regular blog. They bring their schoolwork home on a digital stick and use the Internet for assigned research. Teens meets with their classmates via Skype to complete school projects because it’s more convenient than getting together face-to-face. To stay connected with their friends, our children keep their noses to the screens while texting and Facebooking. They entertain themselves online with video games, TV shows and YouTube videos. And we parents are putting the pressure on them, too. We ask our children to stay in touch with us digitally, and encourage them to distract themselves online when we want time to ourselves.
While accepting that our children’s lives will require a certain amount of screen time, we can be important advocates for off-screen activities to counter the weaknesses of a digital life. Already doctors are seeing young people showing the physical fallout from years of computer use—neck and back problems, carpal tunnel syndrome, diminished hearing, effects of inadequate sleep. Drama teachers are finding that today’s students are so dependent on texting they have trouble expressing themselves when they’re asked to communicate face-to-face.
To counter the sedentary, sometimes solitary screen-based lifestyle, our teens need social, physical and tactile experiences: making music or art, dancing or drama, sports, volunteering, time in nature. If your child is resisting reduced screen time, ask him or her to propose a solution that takes into account your concerns. If she argues that she needs to be online all the time because her career will be dependent on her cyber skills, you can counter with the example of Pierce Vallieres. He’s the 14 year-old who created a Rubik’s Cube app for Apple that is generating worldwide sales. Doubtless Pierce spent hours online fine-tuning his creation, but, according to media reports, he still manages to find time to play baseball, hockey and guitar, and is learning to fly an airplane.
You’ll be strengthened in your resolve by the position of many Silicon Valley computer geeks who are sending their children to schools like Waldorf that don’t use computers. According to a recent article in The New York Times, these parents are aware that their children will need computer time to compete in the modern world but say “What’s the rush, given how easy it is to pick up those skills.”
More on this topic — Parenting Solutions,
More on this Age & Stage — Toddlers, School Age, Teens,
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