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Last year we bought a little house on a large lot in a neighbourhood we loved. We gutted it, adding two floors and digging out the basement. The whole job took eight months. My husband, our five kids, our dog and me lived in the house the whole time.
It was one wild adventure. It made us a better family and I think it made me a better person. I learned a lot about parenting, about marriage, and about kids while living in the reno zone.
There were good reasons to stay in the house. For one thing, there were no houses to rent in the area and no apartment could house our brood. We wanted the kids to settle into the neighbourhood. We wanted them to stay at their school. Despite the mayhem around them, we wanted them to continue on with all their normal activities.
Oops. I used the word “normal”. Looking back on it from the comfortable confines of my renovated house, I think the biggest lessons I learned from this adventure had to do with the words normal and change.
While living in the reno zone, we chose to recognize and embrace change. The kids, who slept on single mattresses stuck together like Scrabble pieces, knew things were different. Why hide it? There was no TV, no computer, only books and board games surrounded by tools and materials. The kids, all powerfully driven by the pursuit of fun, adapted immediately. (It took my husband a little longer.)
I learned that some things shouldn’t change. We ate every meal together, sitting around the dinner table each night reviewing our days. By the way, an unplugged table saw makes for an excellent sideboard. Bedtime is bedtime, homework is homework, and the dog needs to be walked.
By keeping the basic structure of family life together, I realized that home is simply any place where we are all living together. It was rather liberating. This is probably the best reason why living in the reno zone felt so normal.
A Travelling Family: Real-Life Education
It’s late November, and both of my kids really should be in school—grades two and four respectively—but instead, they’re bowling a coconut down the beach and hunting for geckos while I type this from a restaurant on the sand nearby. We’re on Koh Lanta, an island in southern Thailand, and we’re not coming home until March.
The kids are Ciaran, nearly seven, and Chloe, nine. Koh Lanta is just one stop on our six-month tour of southeast Asia and southern India. Together with my husband, Mark, we set off from Ottawa in mid-August for Bali, where we spent the first month helping the kids become seasoned little travellers. After that, we spent several weeks roaming north from Singapore up through peninsular Malaysia. From there we took in Bangkok and parts of northern Thailand before heading to Laos via a two-day slow boat trip along the Mekong River. Descending back south through Laos from Luang Prabang to the capital, Vientiane, we then made our way down to southern Thailand.
November 20 is the midpoint of the trip, so the balance has already tipped—sadly, we’ve got less time ahead of us than we have behind us. Coming up ahead, we still have Cambodia, Vietnam and southern India to cover. So far, everyone is healthy and happy and having a fabulous time.
The kids have stunned us with their infinite adaptability and flexibility. They virtually never complain about missing anybody or anything from home. They can find something to love about even the most hideous of hotel rooms. They can find something to order on the sketchiest of menus. They can see the funny side of any near (or complete) disaster. They can sleep in the strangest, noisiest, most disruptive environments.
Unsurprisingly, they can also fight over the silliest things and be incredibly resistant to the school work we sometimes impose on them, but overall I would say we’ve been amazed and dazzled (and relieved) by how well they’re coping.
Of course, a trip of this magnitude is not without its challenges—and the next one facing us will be how to mark the holidays. While we’re not particularly religious, our family has always celebrated Christmas, and Santa Claus has a reputation in our house for being excessively generous. We’re still working out how Santa will find us in Vietnam, whether or not he will be wrapping the gifts this year, and how he’s going to fly his sled around (and land it) in the absence of snow. More news on all of that in my next entry!
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Our Savvy Scouts have been very busy enjoying all that there is to enjoy while the Olympics are in town. Here’s our savvy list of what to do and where to go with kids, because we want to make sure you make the most of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
- Take a Walk: The atmosphere downtown is truly amazing. Key stops to make include the Olympic Cauldron, the bobsled, aboriginal totem pole carving and the official Olympic and Paralympics Countdown Clock all located on the Vancouver Art Gallery front lawn. Then go to Granville Street’s Lunar Fest. Then Robson Square Celebration Site to watch the skating at GE Plaza below and zip-trekking overhead. (Note: The large security fences surrounding the Cauldron have been moved forward, making picture-taking easier. There is now a roof-top viewing area from a one-storey building at 1055 Canada Place.)
- Take in an Olympic Tradition: Experience pin trading at Coca Cola Olympic Pin Trading areas—downtown in the Hudson Bay Company, the atrium of CTV’s downtown offices or out at the airport.
- Take the Seabus: Travel from North Vancouver to downtown (after possibly enjoying Winterfest at Lonsdale Quay). Not only will the kids enjoy the ride, but they will get a great view of the Olympic Cauldron, the floating Olympic Rings and maybe even a few seals along the way.
- Head to Concord Celebration Zone: At the zone, visit the Right to Play Pavillion to play soccer (indoor or outdoor) and read about the project. Then head to the outdoor skating rink and have your kids try to score a hat-trick for a prize. If you are looking for a good place to get a photo, head to Molson Canadian Hockey House and pose with the giant Canadian goalie out front. Finally, take a walk along the seawall to view the hundreds of small Inukshuks along the rocky shore, and if your kids still have energy, then play at the playground between Science World (currently Russia’s Sochi House) and Concord Place. (Note: we actually found two-hour free parking off Main Street for this trip).
- Head Downtown: Visit LiveCity Downtown’s Canada Pavillion as it opens (11 am) to avoid the lines—there are lots of interactive games for kids, including virtual slapshot hockey, snowboarding and lots of trivia games, too. This pavilion is a Canadian Olympic sport museum. Afterwards if you are walking back towards the city, stop at the BC Powersmart Village to check out on the sustainable dance floor or to write on the Expression Wall.
- Enjoy the Sunshine: Hang out at the David Lam playground. From this vantage point, you have a partial view of the screens at LiveCity Yaletown, while the kids play. When you are done, head to LilliQ Café to grab a coffee and a snack.
- Ride the Olympic Line Streetcar: Don’t miss this unique experience! A short, free ride (you can do a round-trip) from the athletes’ OlympicVillage to Granville Island on a brand new Bombardier streetcar, and once you are done, enjoy the atmosphere on Granville Island, which is home to Atlantic Canada House, Place de la Francophonie and The House of Switzerland.
- Head over to West Vancouver Community Centre’s Spirit Square for more events and activities.
- Bonus! Go for a Drive: Head into Stanley Park after dusk and just before Brockton Oval, stop at the pull out to see the floating Olympic Rings lit up.
Have you been to any great Olympic events or activities? We’d love to hear about your Olympic experiences.
“What’s for breakfast?” “What’s for lunch?” “What’s for dinner?”
Sometimes you can’t believe yet another meal for the kids is just minutes away. ‘Back to reality’ brings enough to-do’s on our list while we’re worrying about the next healthy meal that even ‘ants on a log’ (read: cream cheese with raisins on celery sticks) seems ambitious when you’re looking for new sneakers, signing forms and registering for soccer.
Some strategies to help you are:
- Get the kids to help. Even the littlest ones can put out the plates, the spoons, the napkins. If the table is too high, bring down the playroom table. If the shelves are too high, put supplies in a low drawer. Put the milk in smaller pitchers, let them grate the cheese and wash the salad.
- Think of ‘food as fuel.’ At this stage of your life (and your children’s lives), repetition is good. If it reduces the stress on you, your kids will be happier and might even enjoy the food more.
- Get in a weekly routine. Mondays can be chicken night, Tuesdays can be pasta, etc. It makes the grocery shopping easier and the family knows what to expect (and you don’t have to think as much). Plan leftovers when mealtimes are staggered due to extracurricular activities.
- Serve fruit frozen. If your kids don’t like fruit, try cutting frozen fruit into bite-sized pieces. This works well even for peas.
How do you plan your meals?
Mother’s Little Helper
Your new baby has arrived on the scene and your toddler is understandably wide-eyed and eager to help.
Or, your toddler could be ignoring the new baby entirely, preferring to take a wait-and-see approach until he’s sure that she’s here to stay.
Whether your toddler is ready to dive into siblinghood or wait on the sidelines for now, he’ll be looking for guidance from you. He’s probably wondering how babies work. Are they simply miniature versions of big kids? What can you do with a newborn brother or sister anyway?
The best way to teach a toddler about babies is by being hands-on.
Start out by sitting on the floor with your toddler and the baby (so you won’t have to worry about anyone tumbling off a couch or a bed). Point out the baby’s eyes, ears, fingers, and toes—everything that a toddler is likely to find fascinating. Your toddler will no doubt want to point out his eyes, ears, fingers, and toes, too.
Then, show your toddler how to hold a baby. You may find it works best if you sit your toddler across from you on the floor and help your baby to support the baby on his lap. Show your toddler how to gently caress a baby, making soft, slow motions. (You can model the motions and then try guiding his hand.)
Next, place the baby back on the floor and talk about the ways big brothers can help with a baby: by choosing a clean outfit before a diaper change, by choosing a toy from a bin of baby toys, by singing a lullaby, by sharing a book with the baby.
Be sure to let your toddler know that it’s normal for babies to wake up in the middle of the night: that he doesn’t have to hop out of bed or worry if he hears the baby crying for a moment or two. Babies wake up in the night because they have very small stomachs and they need to eat more often than children and adults with larger stomachs. The baby will nurse and then go back to sleep.
Finally, don’t forget to talk to your toddler about all the ways the two of you can have fun while the baby is nursing or napping. You don’t want your toddler to feel like it’s going to be all work and no play around here from now on.
Finding Time for Baby AND Older Siblings
Your new baby has just arrived on the scene. Everyone who walks through the front door tends to make a big fuss about the baby, which can leave your older child feeling like the understudy to a hot new star. Can you blame her if she’s feeling lonely, unappreciated, and a little bit resentful, too?
The antidote to those prickly feelings she’s experiencing is some TLC from you, amply administered in regular doses as parental time and energy allows. Here are some tips on making that happen.
Think about activities that you can enjoy with your older child while you’re feeding your baby. You will, after all, be spending a lot of your time breastfeeding, particularly when your baby is still in the newborn stage. Fortunately, breastfeeding can be combined with other activities, like reading books, playing games (everything from simple board games and card games to in-your-head games like “I spy”), telling stories, and enjoying a cuddle on the couch.
Take advantage of your baby’s naptimes to enjoy activities with your older child that can’t be done quite as easily with a babe-in-arms. Do somersaults together in the backyard. Whip up something healthy in the kitchen. Or go for a walk together while your partner or some other trusted adult listens for the first signs of baby waking up for his next feeding. (If you carry your cell phone with you, the person at home can text you to alert you that feeding time is rapidly approaching and that it might be wise to start heading for home.)
Get a handle on what your older child is thinking and how she is feeling about the new baby’s arrival. You want her to be honest about her feelings, so don’t tell her that her feelings are wrong or bad if she says something negative about the new baby. Incorporating a new person into a family is a big adjustment for everyone. With support, encouragement, and patience from you, your older child will make this adjustment—when she’s ready.
Ann Douglas is the author of numerous books about pregnancy and parenting, including The Mother of All Pregnancy Books (2nd Canadian edition, Wiley, June 2011). Her websites are http://www.having-a-baby.com and www.anndouglas.ca.
When Toddlers Ask about Sex
‘Mom, how did that baby get in your tummy?’ Suddenly, you stumble and begin to stutter—the stork seems like a great answer. What will you say?
One of the easiest ways to regain your footing and your ability to speak is by using a stalling technique. These come in handy when dealing with parenting questions, from toddlerhood to University. They give us time to gather our wits, seek out information, and teach our child that adults don’t know everything but are happy to do some research.
- Begin your stall with encouragement for asking a good question:
- That’s a great question
- I’m really glad that you asked that
Follow that with a clarification to determine what is really being asked:
- What do you think?
- So you’re asking me…
- Where did you hear that?
- What else did Suzy say?
Finally, buy yourself some time:
- Hmm, now what is the best way for me to explain that?
- I don’t know—I can check into it for you though
- Sounds important—why don’t I check with Mom/Dad and see when we can talk about this as a family
Having landed yourself an opportunity to discuss these questions with your co-parent (or anyone else for that matter), you can develop a plan to answer these questions honestly and with information relevant to your child’s level of development.
Discussing confusing issues with honesty and some sense of comfort early on can set a model for honest communication in the future. If you’re looking for answers, we offer courses in what to say and how to say it. We can also recommend a list of great books to read on your own or with your child. Just email us at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
The Good Divorce
You may have decided to end your marriage, but with a young family, you still face years of co-parenting with your ex. There are ways of having a good divorce and raising happy children with minimal emotional upset. Here are some best practices to set you on the right path:
- Let the kids come first. You may disagree on a lot, but at least try to agree that the children come first and the adults’ emotional baggage and private agendas come second.
- Use collaborative law. Utilize the new collaborative law and mediation processes. Your separation will be more amicable. The legal bills really hurt the economic backbone of a family and your children will ultimately pay the price.
- Get counseling. Even the best, conflict-free divorces benefit from having a professional help family members transition out of the nuclear family and into their new arrangements. Grieving the life you had and working to create a new vision of the future will help everyone land more gently.
- Act happy (even if you have to fake it). The most stressful problem for children is seeing their parents in conflict and feeling split loyalties. Kids love both their moms and dads, so if they see divisiveness, they don’t know where to place their affections. If they love Mom, it’s an act of going against Dad and vice versa. This is the hardest emotional bind for a child. Instead, show your children you both get along (or at least don’t hate one another). That means no bad-mouthing the other parent, no dirty looks, or asking the child to deliver snarky messages or spy on the other.
- Agree to disagree. I promise you, it’s the actual fighting and conflict about minutiae (like how to handle homework, discipline differences, bedtimes, what the kids eat etc.) that hurts kids, not the staying up late, watching Call of Duty, and skipping assignments. Let the other parent do things their own way and support the idea that kids can handle two houses having two different styles and rules.
- Decide what’s worth fighting for. If you agree you should not ‘sweat the small stuff’, but you wonder what is ‘small’, let me share what courts agree you should speak up about:
- Safety – Abuse or neglect
- Travel – Extensively being away, distant, remote or unreachable
- Health – Refusing chemotherapy, blood transfusions, vaccinations, etc.
- Education – Sending them away to boarding school/military school or other non-main stream settings
- Religion – Excessive pressure or conversion to a known religious cult or extremist group
Are you getting a sense of the scale now? So, fighting about trans fats in fast food isn’t the way to go. You’ll probably do more psychological damage to your toddler watching you bicker over it.
Fact: marriage is hard. Fact: talking about money is awkward. Put these together and you’ve got a combination that most people prefer to avoid: talking to your spouse about money.
It is hardly surprising that money is the number one stumbling block among couples, given that money issues are often loaded with prejudices, guilt, fear and anxiety. Avoiding discussions that could pre-empt later arguments may be shortsighted, but in the moment, it just seems, well, easier.
What if there was a way you could make money discussions [http://www.goldengirlfinance.ca/articles/marriage-couples/wedding-pre-game-talk-five-must-discuss-topics-before-saying-i-do] with your honey more pleasant and less likely to spiral out of control and into a fight? Would you be willing to try?
Financial experts advise that the right thing to do is hold a monthly meeting to evaluate the state of household finances, debt and savings goals. Involving your kids in the discussion is also a great way to teach them about transparency and responsibility, while reinforcing the act of making decisions as a family.
While there is no one way of doing things that works for everyone, here are a few do’s and don’ts to help you find the right mix of love and money.
- Do book a standing time and date. Say, noon on the first Saturday of every month. Make sure it’s marked in the calendars of both you and your spouse as a non-negotiable appointment.
- Don’t leave money talks to the end of the day. When you’re already tired and on edge, the last thing anyone needs is to talk about something potentially stressful. Get together over lunch or outside on a sunny day.
- Do stay focused. Your purpose is to review each area of your household spending [http://www.goldengirlfinance.ca/articles/credit-debt/live-within-your-means] and decide if it’s on track or can be improved. If you go too far and start examining how much each person earned over the month and what each person spent every dime of their income on, things can become overly intrusive and exhausting.
- Do allow for some privacy. You want to have full disclosure over the household matters that affect you both and the spending decisions that affect your future together. But do you really want to ‘fess up to how much you spend on face cream each month? As long as obligations are met, give each other a bit of a break when it comes to modest personal spending.
- Do make paperwork. At your first meeting, make a chart that outlines all the must-do monthly expenses, such as mortgage or rent payments, utility bills, phone bills and car and loan payments. Add discretionary but necessary expenses, such as groceries, parking and transportation. Keep track of annual or semi-regular payments such as school fees, insurance payments and taxes. Each month, enter the actual amounts paid in each category, so you build an ongoing track record.
- Don’t wing it. Keep a file that gets stuffed with receipts and statements that come in over the month so that when you meet, you will have facts on hand to work with and can do accurate calculations.
- Do make savings and debt repayment a priority. There’s nothing that motivates like making a goal and seeing your tangible progress toward it. What are we saving for? How quickly can we free ourselves from this debt? Write these goals down and agree on one or two action steps that you each take and confirm each month.
- Don’t overcomplicate. Your lives are already busy enough—printing out your bank and credit card statements once a month to review might just be enough to help you see where the money is coming and going. Dividing up tasks in terms of bill payment or savings activities is the next step.
- Don’t launch a money discussion by surprise. You may have organized your thoughts and arguments and be ready to talk, but it’s not fair to surprise your spouse with a money chat when their mind may be focused on getting dinner ready or preparing for a meeting at work.
- Do associate money chats with something fun. Make a plan to deal with the finances over cocktails, or order pizza and aim to finish your meeting before it arrives. Reward yourselves by making popcorn and watching a movie together afterward. Over time, you will learn to compare notes and review the accounts quickly and painlessly so you can get on to the fun and relaxing part.
Love before money
Controlling tempers and withholding judgments seems to be the toughest part about money discussions. If matters of resentment or anger arise, tread carefully, hold hands and recognize that getting to the heart of the matter can only help in the long run.
You did say for richer or poorer, right? Here’s hoping for richer! And remember—the family that saves together, stays together.
With Earth Day quickly approaching, going green is top of mind for many—my family included. But instead of trying to live green for one day or one month, what if you and your family made a long-term commitment to reducing your environmental footprint?
I’ve recently discovered millions of homes across the country share a dirty little secret—Canadian households typically have three zones that can consume up to 60% of energy usage. However, by making small, mindful changes, families can turn their impact from negative to positive.
In my books, Green For Life and There’s Lead in Your Lipstick, I talk about the small and easy changes families can incorporate into their day-to-day lives to eliminate harmful chemicals, save on energy costs and leave you feeling good about your environmental footprint. By focusing on each area as a ‘greenable zone’, it is possible to unlock countless environmental saving opportunities.
The first step is to identify which areas of your life have the most potential for green living—if your family is anything like mine, you undoubtedly spend the most time in the kitchen and there are several simple changes that can be made:
- What are you cleaning your countertops with? Our food is in direct contact with whatever chemical ingredients we use to clean kitchen surfaces, so make sure to avoid hazardous toxins in your kitchen cleaning products.
- Keep a pitcher of cold water filled from the tap in your fridge. Why? The water helps maintain the cool temperature inside and allows your refrigerator to work more effectively at a lower temperature.
- Did you know a simple sheet of paper can help detect heat loss from your stove? Use Gill’s simple paper trick to discover if your stove is leaking the heat you’ve spent good money on for baking and cooking.
- Ever wonder why your dishwasher has a delay button? Many newer model washers allow you to set a later time for dishwashing so your energy consumption occurs during off-peak hours when electricity rates are lower and energy consumption is less taxing to the grid.
Where does an estimated 65% of your home’s total indoor water use take place? The bathroom. In this room, small simple changes can make a big impact:
- Start a family shower challenge and save on water and energy use by reducing the amount of time everyone spends under the hot water. Set a timer in the shower; the goal is five minutes, but you can work your way down in increments. See which family member can take the shortest showers.
- Install a low-flow showerhead to make your shower pressure feel stronger while actually using less water. Available at any hardware store, the low-flow showerhead is a no-brainer.
- Be aware of the product you use to clean your sink and tub. Non-biodegradable chemicals impact our water supply and also come in contact with small children taking baths.
As Canadians, there are many alternatives that we can start to integrate into our daily lives that will help make the planet a cleaner, healthier and more enjoyable place to live. The laundry room is the final room in the house where small changes can make a big difference:
- Overhaul your laundry shelf by purchasing products that only offer biodegradable detergents, and packaging made from post consumer waste. Seventh Generation for example makes a biodegradable and non-toxic detergent that even comes in a fully compostable package.
- What is the cheapest and easiest way to avoid static cling before it happens? Scrunch up a ball of tinfoil and toss it in the dryer to eliminate static electricity.
- To prolong the lifespan of your washing machine, clean it once a year by running a full (light) cycle with 2 cups of white vinegar.
There are lots of great online resources that offer tips and tricks on how to live a greener life—education is the key. I follow several green companies online for daily tips and green giveaways; my personal favourite is Seventh Generation.
Attachment Parenting
Time Magazine’s recent controversial cover has fueled mommy rants across the country. Even Saturday Night Live thought it was juicy enough to satirize.
I’ve decided it’s time to put my own thoughts on the page once and for all.
American Pediatrician Dr. Sears created a brand called ‘attachment parenting’ which espouses such practices as co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding and carrying babes in slings in order to meet a child’s need to know they are loved and cared for.
I think every parent would want a good ‘attachment’ experience with their child. However, the exact process of how you attach and how fragile that attachment is has lead me to observe some parenting practices that actually backfire and create more problems than they cure. Let me break that down into a few misconceptions the public harbour.
Misconception #1: Psychic Distress
Many parents believe that psychic distress is bad and will injure the attachment because they deduce a child’s need is not being met and that is supposedly an attachment parenting no-no. I disagree; in fact, certain psychic distress is exactly how we build mental strength and resiliency. Of course, everyone would agree that distress like living in a war-torn country, or witnessing or experiencing abuse is injurious, but having to walk instead of being carried in mommy’s sling is a different kind of stressor, isn’t it?
Just as the chick must peck its way out of the egg, using its muscles to strengthen its neck and lungs in preparation for life outside the egg, so too does a child need to struggle with disappointment, failure, loss and frustration. This is how one learns to trust one’s self and to manage life’s ups and downs. It builds a positive self-concept of being capable.
Misconception #2: Needs Versus Wants
Does the 3 ½ year old on the cover of TIME Magazine ‘need’ to nurse or does he ‘want’ to? At 3 ½, if nursing was a need, the dietary challenges to the mother would be immense. Suckling for soothing is not the same as providing breast milk for its nutritional value. Of course, soothing a child is an important parenting role, but so is teaching self-soothing. It’s a skill to be learned. Being dependant on a mother’s nipple to soothe is time limiting even if we disagree on what the timing is.
Attachment parents seem to over estimate their youngsters’ needs and under estimate their wants. Children who always get what they want come to expect that this is their right. They learn to use tears and upset to get their way instead of more socially adept methods.
Deciding to start and stop breastfeeding is personal. I don’t want a mom to feel she needs to carry on breastfeeding because she believes if she doesn’t the child’s mental health is compromised. Every women should respect themselves enough to honour their inner voice and listen when those ‘NO’ feelings arise.
Misconception # 3: Kids First, Parents Last
Parenting is about training our children to be cooperative and participate in the ‘give and take’ required of social living. No one should be unduly burdened or leaned on in the family. That is disrespectful.
Attachment parenting seems to focus solely on the child and not on the health of the entire family unit. Co-sleeping might be nice for a toddler, but if they kick, turn and disrupt the adult’s sleep, the needs of the parent to get proper sleep are being diminished. If we remind ourselves to go back to the simple notion of cooperation and ask if everyone is happy and feeling cooperative with one another then you can’t go wrong. If five people want to tangle together to sleep and they are all happy and willing to do so then ENJOY! But sadly, in my experience of working with families, this is rarely the case.
Usually it’s mom sleeping with a baby or toddler while dad sleeps disgruntled and alone in a kiddie bed or on the couch. Too many times I have seen co-sleeping as an avoidance tactic, using the presence of kids to avoid facing the real issue: a dying sex life between mom and dad.
If you want an attachment family, don’t forget to attach with your partner. You will be doing a great service to your children if you model attachment by having a good strong marriage and a good sex life only improves matters. I say, ‘reclaim the matrimonial bed’ and trust kids will benefit from seeing two parents glowing in the morning. If you are a single mom/dad and are co-sleeping, ask yourself whose needs are really being met? Yours? Or theirs?
In Conclusion…
Lets raise children who are loved and cared for and who feel a sense of connection and belonging in their family life. Lets show them how to manage on their own and with others while teaching them life skills. Let’s pledge to set boundaries and reinforce them. Let’s treat ourselves with respect and dignity too. And finally, never do for a child something they can do for themselves…even if it’s a hassle right now, it will pay off in the future.
More on this topic — Parenting Solutions,
More on this Age & Stage — Toddlers,
Has Your Toddler Just Become an ‘Evil Sibling?’
When a second baby arrives, our toddlers suddenly seem so much more mature. We still need to have age-appropriate expectations of their abilities to set everyone up for success.
Baby’s arrival can be as frustrating for Big Sibling as it is exciting for others. Big Sib didn’t want this new child and is no longer the star of the show. Surely, misbehaviour will bring all the attention that Big Sib needs.
Create a ‘treasure box’ with Big Sib, full of books, blocks, independent activities and shelf-stable snacks. At baby’s feeding time, invite Big Sib to grab the treasure box. He can help himself to a snack while baby is eating, then the two of you can read a book together. Giving attention for behaviour we want to see means that Big Sib doesn’t have to resort to misbehaviour for attention.
Be realistic about sharing—kids this age are egocentric—they believe that their point of view is the only one: ‘Everyone knows that I want this toy now. No one else will take it.’ We can introduce/model sharing by:
- Playing turn-taking games—passing a ball, truck or hat to each child for their turn. Kids learn that turns happen in a certain order and come around again and again.
- Get enough cookies or fruit to ‘share’ with everyone in the family and have your little ones share it so that they learn what it feels like to give to others.
- We don’t have to share everything. Let kids have ownership of one or two things which stay on a shelf where Baby Sib can’t reach them.
When kids are fighting over a toy, step in and guide children. Express your belief that it can work, ‘I know that you two can find a way to make this work.’ Guiding when they are too young to do it on their own will be the first step in their development as problem-solvers.
More on this topic — Parenting Solutions,
More on this Age & Stage — Babies, Toddlers,
7 Tips for Planning a Family Road Trip
Last summer, my husband and I chose to drive from Toronto, Ontario to Halifax, Nova Scotia, with our two daughters. It was one of the most memorable and awesome summer vacations we had ever experienced as a family.
Along with being able to capture the historic beauty of Quebec, we also visited New Brunswick and PEI for the first time. After spending time with friends in Halifax, we were awe inspired by the breathtaking Green and White Mountain ranges as we drove back home through Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. Never having experienced a family road trip before, I wasn’t sure how everyone would adapt to spending so many hours on the road but planning ahead really paid off and we can’t wait to do it again.
If you’re planning a road trip with your family anytime soon, here’s what you might like to know:
1. Consider the age and temperament of your children. Travelling as we did with two older children who are quite capable of entertaining themselves, and each other, made our trip that much more enjoyable. I don’t think it would have been quite the same if we had made the same trip when they were much younger. Although travelling overnight so that young children can sleep the hours away may make getting to your destination easier, there are cons to this. For one thing, you may feel exhausted from driving without getting a night’s sleep and the beauty of your surroundings will be lost.
2. The journey is really just as important as the destination. If you plot out stops and points of interest along the way, then the final destination becomes the place that you are spending the most amount of time at, but is not that much more important than all the special stops along the way. If you journey over several days and don’t need to be somewhere in a hurry, then you’re more likely to appreciate every place you stop at. And dont be afraid to make slight diversions along the way if something special catches your attention.
3. Involve your family in the planning stage. If your children do research on the internet, for example, about special places they’d like to visit and if you integrate these stops along the way, they will feel that their needs have been equally considered. Then the vacation truly becomes a family vacation.
4. Take lots to occupy them in the car. One of the great things about car travel is that you don’t have to worry about your luggage being a couple of pounds overweight. You also don’t have to worry about other restrictions such as products that are not allowed on board an aircraft, for example. Other than the portable DVD and other electronics, how about a knapsack of creative car activities such as paper and crayons, stickers and maybe even a small lap tray to place the material on. This knapsack can also be taken in and out of restaurants too.
5. Other than material items for the kids, think about other games that require nothing more than thought and imagination. Counting the number of red versus blue cars between point A and B or playing a memory game such as ‘I went to the market…’ are great ways to pass time.
6. Help your children know in advance how much time between stops so that they don’t ask ‘Are we there yet?’ every half hour. Older children, who understand time and can read, can be provided with an itinerary including approximate time planned to be on the road. Children can also be helped by showing them how to read a GPS so that they can see at a glance how much time remains until they can stretch their legs or visit another place of interest.
7. If you typically drive a smaller car, consider renting a mini van for the time you’re going to be away. A van allows you the luxury of extra leg space, extra luggage space and extra elbow space may even mean that the children are less likely to fight with one another—both physically and verbally.
Most importantly, take lots of time planning and researching a road trip so that you know where and when you are coming and going. Treasure each stop and inhale every moment along the way. Don’t rush the trip but plan the scenic route so that you can experience the beauty of your surroundings.
Safe travels!
More on this topic — Parenting Solutions,
More on this Age & Stage — School Age, Preschool,
Have you been watching the London Olympics with your kids?
If so we’d love you to share your experiences with us. Are your children inspired, impressed or indifferent? What are their favourite events? Do the Games spur them on to try harder or try something new? Did they have any reactions that surprised you?
The Olympics provide a great opportunity for you to connect with your kids on topics like doing something you love and following your passion, rewards vs. self-satisfaction, goal planning and role models.
Here are some potential conversation starters:
- How do you think people find something to be passionate about?
- What do you love to do?
- What’s more important to you, being recognized for doing well or the feeling you get when you do your best?
- What do you wish you could do and how do you think you can make that happen?
- Do you look up to the athletes? Why?
- When you grow up do you want to be a role model for kids? What does that mean to you?
- What are some ways you can ‘give your everything?’
Next, for some real-life Olympic fun try setting up your own mini-Olympics in your backyard or the local park. Use softballs for the shot-put. Get some ribbon from a dollar store to use as a finish line for foot races. Use playground equipment for an obstacle course. Make it as big or as small as you like; either a family or neighbourhood event.
The Family Hike
I’m fortunate. My family loves to be outside. And we happen to live close to a fantastic warren of forest trails. So we take every opportunity to venture into Lynn Canyon, in the mountains 25 minutes north of Vancouver.
Getting into the fresh air is not only invigorating; our hikes provide countless opportunities to share great experiences with our kids.
We teach our children, ages 2 and 5, about the wonders of nature. By asking questions and encouraging observation, we give our children their first science experiences. We look at plants and fungi. We search out signs of animal life.
And while not all of our hikes are vigorous—we do enjoy a leisurely stroll from time to time—every moment outdoors is an opportunity to develop and refine fundamental movement skills.
We hop over branches. We climb and leap off stumps. We practice balancing while walking on fallen logs.
Our children quickly became confident in performing these skills and are comfortable enough on the uneven—and often muddy—ground that they are often racing ahead, and blazing new trails in the underbrush.
In fact, we think of the outdoors as an activity environment for development of physical literacy. To our minds, being able to move in the natural world is as important as being able to do things on the ground, in the water, on snow and ice, and in the air.
So get outside! It’s possible to find hiking spots even in the most urban of Canada’s cities. You don’t need a large area, just the right outlook. And your kids will learn and develop skills while having fun.
Blaine Kyllo has written for a variety of print and online publications including CBC.ca, the Globe & Mail, the Georgia Straight and Vancouver Magazine. Also an editor, producer and the father of two young children, he lives in North Vancouver.
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