Parents find it shocking when I give the advice ‘don’t force your child to say ‘I’m sorry’ after an incident.’ They think I am letting kids off the hook. Not true! Let me take a moment to clarify my reasons.
First, to be clear, I want your children to have good manners and develop a true sense of empathy and compassion for others. Yes, I want them to take responsibility for their actions and to make amends when someone has been wronged. All of those pursuits are important. I am only suggesting a different means and method to arrive at that end.
When parents simply force a child with the ole’ parenting chestnut, ‘Come on now, say you’re sorry,’ they invite that classic nasal and sarcastic reply, ‘I’m saaaawry’.
Step into the child’s mindset and emotional state. You can imagine that any empathy that they were feeling because of their wrong doing just flew out the window as their parents put the spotlight on them and their screw up, which is now on public display. Embarrassing.
Next, you’re commanded to apologize (as if you wouldn’t have capacity to do so of your own volition). Well, it’s humiliating and degrade, frankly.
Why They Do It:
- The child’s use of a mocking tones serve to help them save face and keep a shred of dignity in the moment.
- The child is saying with their behaviour, ‘I won’t be forced against my will. You can’t make me. You might be able to force me to say ‘I’m sorry,’ but you can’t make me feel it – HA! I win! I defeat you!’
- Sadly, it becomes a war between parent and child, a total distraction from the actual task of learning from their mistake, helping the harmed party feel better and ultimately making amends for the incidents.
- The child begins to feel angry at their parents and instead of owning the responsibility for their behaviour, they feel the other party actually got them in trouble with their parents, so they don’t feel empathy or remorse anymore. In fact, they now feel justified and not responsible.
What to Do Instead?
- Modeling. If you are one to say ‘sorry’ when you err, they will mimic you. Trust me on this one.
- Pause. That’s right. Give kids a moment to volunteer a genuine response to a situation before you jump in two guns a blazin’. You may well discover that your children do say they are sorry, if given a moment to compose themselves.
- Focus on the future. Instead of forcing them to say sorry about the past, which they can’t change, put the focus on their commitment to do something differently in the future. ‘Can you let your friend know that you won’t take his bike without asking again.’
- Ask your child ‘what should happen now?’ If they broke a neighbour’s window playing ball, letting the child think for themselves of how to right the situation; it helps build empathy, internalizes the lesson, and generates positive feelings about rectifying the situation. Replacing the window with their allowance and writing a letter stating it was an accident and promising to play in the park in the future feels restorative when they come up with the idea.
Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and best-selling author of
Honey, I Wrecked the Kids and
Breaking The Good Mom Myth. She is host of TV's "The Parenting Show" and an international speaker. Visit
www.alysonschafer.com for more parenting tips.
For parents and children alike, the transition from crib to bed is a big milestone. Your days of tucking your wee one to sleep and knowing they will stay in bed are gone. For them, this new-found independence can lead to troubles with settling and sleeping.
Tracey Ruiz (aka the Sleep Doula) has seven tips to help make the transition easier for everyone.
- Make it a big deal. Moving from a crib to a bed is an important step. Before making the transfer, talk to your child about how exciting it is that they are old enough to sleep in a ‘big kid’s bed’. Have them be a part of the adventure by taking them shopping and allowing them choose new bedding.
- Safety is a must. Now that your toddler has their freedom, be prepared that they will be looking to explore. Ensure their room is safe and minimize the areas they can explore. Anchor dressers and large furniture, limit access to drawers and closets, and ensure they can’t get into any creams or lotions. I always sit in the middle of room before we start the first night and try to think of any troubles a toddler can get into. Believe me, Vaseline is terrible to clean off walls and out of toddlers hair.
- Routine, routine, routine. Even though they are sleeping in a different bed, try to keep to a similar bedtime routine as they had in the crib. Just remember, be prepared they will try to modify things with their new independence.
- Be prepared for negotiations. It is important to try to anticipate your toddler’s needs before they even ask. This way you can show them where everything is there e.g. Sippy cup of water, pacifier, teddy, or even Kleenex. You should also be prepared that they may ask you to cuddle with them for just a few more minutes. If you do, try using a timer so there is no negotiating how long.
- Stay firm and be strong. The first few nights your child will try to test the limits of their newly acquired freedom by roaming the room. It is important you stick to your guns and walk them back to their new bed. Be stern that it is bedtime and time to sleep but be patient—this is an exciting time for them.
- Fill them with praise. We all love encouragement so make sure in the morning you praise them for sleeping in their bed, like ‘big kids do’. For toddlers who like rewards, have a chart and if they can sleep in their bed alone each night, they get a star. Five stars equal a special day with mom and dad or a special gift.
- Some helpful tools. Having a special night light, white noise machine, or a special stuffed ‘bed friend’ can all make the transition easier for your toddler. To help them understand when it’s time to come out of their bed, try using a digital clock with only the hour showing.
Tracey Ruiz aka The Sleep Doula, a mother of two, offers sleep solutions for children. Working in the trenches with thousands of families over the last nine years, Tracey has seen it all. Co-sleepers, 15-minute nappers, babies who can sleep standing up, parents who don't like to hear their baby cry…you name it, she’s seen it and helped parents solve it. Through Tracey’s extensive experience, she knows there’s never a ‘one size fits all’ solution. Every situation, every family, every child is different. Visit
www.sleepdoula.com for details.
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Comments
I love Alyson! I have been reading her advice for years and it has positively helped me deal wiht many situations in parenting my 2 children for the better.
Two of my 3 children tend to escalate quickly. Apologies are hard to obtain in heightened stress, so I’ve learned to diffuse the situation first (so it doesn’t turn into an even bigger event) and then discuss the steps that need to be taken. This is hard when you’re in a public situation and others don’t understand why you arent’ demanding your child to make an instant apology. If I pushed for an apology when they were younger, they resisted and their brains became even more blurry from the stress (causing more ‘acting out’ for lack of a better word). Rather, at home and in most social occassions, I taught them to (if possible) make a short statement of apology, but if they are way gone, then I wait until they are calm to deal with apologies and consequences. It’s far more sincere, and sometimes requires even more steps because we have to go back to the place where the ‘victim’ is (drive to a friend’s house to deliver a sorry card or another token of good friendship).