The Firsts and the Lasts of Parenting

Every morning I would carry my son from his bed, down the stairs to the breakfast table, where his breakfast was waiting for him. He was always difficult to wake and get moving in the mornings, and this routine started our days off softly. His bed was elevated so it was easier to pull him out, and the carrying stopped when I couldn’t manage it anymore. I can’t tell you when that was. It was probably during COVID and it certainly was well past the time when a mom should be carrying her kids. I didn’t care. It worked for us. And there was a last time I did this and at the time I had absolutely no idea it was the last time. You remember (and you’ll likely have photographic or video evidence of) your kids’ first steps, first words, and first days of school because you knew they were milestones as they were happening.

But when they’re little there are also a bunch of lasts. There was a last time you buckled their car seat, a last bedtime story, a last bath requiring supervision, a last time they climbed into your bed after a nightmare, a last time they reached automatically for your hand when crossing a street, a last time you cut their food. You didn’t know any of them were the last time.

Parenting is obsessed with firsts. Once upon a time, baby books literally give us places to record them. Now there’s our social accounts. First smiles. First tooth. First word. First steps. First day of Kindergarten. We’re ready and able to photograph and document them because we know they’re important and recognizable transitions.

But there isn’t a section in the baby book for Last time you carried them down the stairs.

One of my favourite sayings about parenting is “The days are long but the years are short.”

Of course it’s a cliché but it’s a helpful one to turn to for all of those times we’re exhausted and not exactly cherishing every moment. Some mornings I wished that waking up and getting ready in the mornings didn’t require so much work. I didn’t yet know that carrying a kid down the stairs would actually be easier most days than dragging an adult-sized teenager out of bed.

The Canadian Paediatric Society explains that adolescence normally involves kids developing their identities, becoming more independent, and putting some distance between themselves and their families. And this is a time when maintaining communication with parents becomes especially important.

As a parent, for years your usefulness is incredibly tangible because kids need feeding, dressing, carrying, driving, helping, and reminding. Oh so gradually your job becomes less physical and less visible. But you don’t stop parenting. Parenting changes from doing things for them to being available to them.

And this is where all your hard work comes to fruition.

You don’t read bedtime stories anymore, but now they recommend books or shows to you. They don’t crawl into your bed after a nightmare, but they might wander into the kitchen late at night and share something incredible or incredibly devastating. You don’t carry them down the stairs anymore, but someday they carry your suitcase.

You don’t need to keep them safe while crossing the street anymore but you’re walking beside someone who you genuinely love and like. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it first happened however it’s a feeling I’m so grateful for.

In 2023, Statistics Canada released A Day in the Life of Canadian Children and Youth in 2023. One finding was that 82% of children aged 5–11 ate an evening meal with their family five or more days a week, compared with 65% of 12–17-year-olds. So even something as ordinary as dinner changes. You might not even realize it’s your last supper, so to speak.

And yet, there are still so many firsts you haven’t had yet. There’ll be the first time they make you dinner and then there will be the first time they make you dinner in their own home. There will be the first time they take you somewhere or call because they genuinely want your advice.

THERE WILL BE THE FIRST TIME THEY DRIVE THEMSELVES TO HOCKEY PRACTICE.

And you may not even notice the first time you realize that this person you spent years raising has become someone you would choose to spend time with anyway.

So that’s probably why we don’t know when it’s the last time. It’s because we’re too busy getting ready for what comes next.