5 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Marriage Ended
When my marriage ended, I wasn’t the one who wanted it to. I was still trying to save it. I still believed it could be saved and I was still trying to protect the future I thought we were building. I wasn’t successful because my efforts didn’t matter. Divorce has a way of upending every certainty you thought you had.
Looking back, there are things I wish I had known. There are things that would have saved me time, money, sanity, and maybe even some of the heartbreak. If you’re standing where I once stood, here are some lessons I learned the hardest way possible.
5 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Marriage Ended
1. Seek Legal Advice Immediately
Even if you believe you can save your marriage, and even if you think you are both being amicable and fair, protect yourself by getting legal advice right away. Yes, lawyers are expensive. I lost count of the number of times I was warned about how “the only ones who win are the lawyers.” I thought I could wait until things were more certain and also that since we drafted an agreement together that we were also actually agreeing to abide by it. This was the beforetimes. Those early days and weeks matter. Knowing your rights and what you’re entitled to can change everything about how the process unfolds.
2. The Person You Married Is Not the Person You Divorce
This was the hardest truth for me to grasp. Divorce reveals sides of a person you never imagined could exist. There are broken promises, cruel words, and baffling manipulations. The person who once swore to love and protect you forever may now take every vulnerability you shared and twist it against you. Keep meticulous records of everything: texts, emails, conversations. Screenshot, save, document, journal. In Canada, it is legal to record conversations if one party consents… and that party can be you. Keep receipts.
3. Separation and Divorce Are Not the Same Thing
To me, separation sounded like it might not be permanent. Like if you were just “separated” that there may be hope for reconciliation. But the legal separation process is the most brutal aspect if there is common property and (of course) children. You can come out the other side of all of this and still be legally tied to your spouse if you don’t also file for divorce, which costs even more money. I can’t imagine going through all of that and still not being officially free. I suppose they make the separation part the hardest because they don’t actually want marriages to fail. I didn’t want mine to fail and that made the process even more brutal. Especially once I accepted that reconciling would never be possible (see #2), the notion that there would be even more hoops to jump through to finalize things was daunting. It took over six months for my divorce to be finalized (on my birthday, no less) but I’m glad I had the filing timing written into our legal separation agreement.
4. “Amicable” Isn’t Always Best for the Kids
Everyone loves to say: “You’ll always be tied to them if you have kids, so just be amicable.” But amicable isn’t always healthy. In high-conflict situations (a term I hate, because it implies both parents are “high conflict”), pretending to get along can put even more pressure on the children. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and for your children is to set firm boundaries and stick to them, even if it makes you look “unfriendly.” Don’t trash talk, don’t criticize, and don’t overshare the details. And also don’t put your healing on hold by “amicably” engaging with a person who hurt you if you don’t have to.
5. You Will Mourn More Than Just the Marriage
I expected to grieve my husband, our family unit, the future I thought we had together. What I didn’t expect was to grieve myself.
So deeply.
The grief hit me like a ton of bricks once I realized just how much of myself I’d given up to keep the peace: friendships, hobbies, and parts of my personality I intentionally shelved to avoid conflict. I’m not just mourning my marriage. I am still actively and deeply mourning the woman I used to be, and the years I’ll never get back. This grief nearly broke me, and it still torments me when triggers pop up. However, going through all of this has shown me that rebuilding myself is not optional. It’s necessary.
Divorce is never the story we expect to write for ourselves. If you’re here, in the thick of it, or just on the precipice, I want you to know that you’re not weak for struggling. And you’re not foolish for wanting to save what couldn’t be saved. You’re a human being who loved, who tried, and who is now tasked with starting over. And one last thing I now know for sure is that we deserve to start again with truth, boundaries, and our whole selves intact.
