Stop Being the Default Parent (Without Losing Your Mind)

If you’re reading this while simultaneously making lunches, signing permission slips, and trying to remember if it’s pizza day or spirit day at school, you might be the default parent.

The default parent is the parent who keeps the mental load of the household running. The one who gets the school emails, arranges doctor’s appointments, remembers the birthday gifts, and ensures the fridge isn’t just a wasteland of expired condiments and never-eaten leftovers.

Being the default parent is exhausting, frustrating, and—let’s be honest—infuriatingly invisible. But it doesn’t have to be a permanent role. Here’s how to push back and create a more balanced household where the responsibility is truly shared.

How to Stop Being the Default Parent:

Step 1: Acknowledge the Mental Load (Out Loud!)

The first step in changing the dynamic is naming the problem. Your partner might not even realize how much you’re juggling because, you know, you just do it.

Instead of letting resentment simmer, have an honest conversation:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed because I handle almost everything related to the kids, and I need that to change.”

Explain the difference between helping and sharing responsibility. Helping is passive and requires more work on your part. “Let me know what you need me to do” is not actually helping at all. Sharing responsibility is owning a task completely—from remembering it needs to be done and then actually doing it.

Step 2: Hand Over FULL Ownership of Tasks

One of the biggest mistakes default parents make? Delegating tasks but still micromanaging them. If your partner is taking over school lunches, that means:

• They plan the grocery list
• They pack the lunches
• They deal with the complaints about the lunches

Resist the urge to step in. Yes, they might forget pajama day or send a full lunch on pizza lunch day and that’s part of the learning curve. You weren’t perfect at this either when you started.

Step 3: Set Up Systems (So It’s Not Just in Your Head)

One reason the default parent stays the default? They keep all the information stored in their brain. Time to change that.

• Use a Shared Calendar – If it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t exist.
• Create a Task List – Assign who owns what (not just who helps).
• Make Routines Visible – A visible meal plan, chore list, or school schedule keeps you from being the walking, talking family encyclopedia.

Step 4: Stop Picking Up the Slack

If you’ve always been the one juggling everything, it’s going to feel uncomfortable watching balls drop. Some might even break. But sometimes that’s the only way to make changes stick.

• Did your partner forget to double check the hockey bag? Let them deal with it.
• Did they forget to RSVP for the new kid’s birthday party? Not your problem.

When you step in to fix everything, you reinforce the idea that it’s your responsibility. Stand firm, even if it means a few hiccups along the way.

Step 5: Get Comfortable with Uneven Effort (at First)

Here’s the hard truth: when you first start shifting responsibilities, it might feel like you’re doing more work in the short term. Your partner will need time to adjust. They might complain. They might struggle.

But, if you hold the line, over time they’ll step up and take true ownership. And the more they do, the more you can finally step back.

The Payoff: A More Balanced Family Dynamic

Releasing yourself from being the default parent isn’t just about lightening your own load; it’s creating a home where everyone contributes fairly. It teaches your kids that parenting is a shared responsibility and gives them healthier expectations for their own future relationships.

Start small, hold firm, and remind yourself: You don’t have to do it all. And, honestly? You shouldn’t.