Coping With Infidelity Part 4: Handling Christmas
Coping with Infidelity is a four-part series that aims to remove the culture of silence and shame around adultery. The author has chosen to remain anonymous to protect the privacy of her children. Read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 here.
Christmas: The Monster Under My Bed
It’s been almost one year since I discovered my husband’s affair with his co-worker.
The morning of January 13, 2017 I found text messages indicating a sexual affair. As they told each other how great the last time had been and how excited they were to do it again, their words read like the script from a bad porn flick. It would have been comical and ridiculous if it wasn’t true.
My husband said it had “only” been going on for a couple of months, which means (if he’s being truthful) their affair began in November.
There have been many phases to my recovery, but thinking about their one-year anniversary and tormenting myself with thoughts like “a year ago they did this” or, “a year ago they were doing that” is among the strangest and most difficult. Just when I thought I was about to summit Recovery Mountain, this bullshit has knocked me back down.
What makes our situation even more awesome is that my husband and his ex-lover still work together. When they see each other do they share a look, thinking about where they were a year ago? And is that look one of regret and shame, or longing?
As I start preparing for the holidays and making plans to celebrate our regular traditions, I keep remembering that this time last year, my husband was sleeping with someone else. While I was feathering the nest and making plans he was lying to me about where he was and who he was with.
He was lying to me about everything that matters.
I can’t stop thinking about the holiday party where he and I held hands all night, or the evening we decorated the tree with our girls, or the smiles we exchanged when they found Santa’s gifts on Christmas morning. I can’t stop thinking about sitting around the tree exchanging kisses and I love you’s, and me, blissfully unaware of what was really going on in my marriage.
When I found out he’d continued to see her even after Christmas, I was dumbfounded. I don’t know why but I kept going back to the tree. To me, Christmas morning is the holy grail of family time. So how could he go back to her after that? To him, it seemed, the holidays were just as inconsequential as the family waiting at home.
Christmas is now the monster hiding under my bed. It’s the thing I fear the most. The juxtaposition between what I think I should be feeling at this time of year—what I used to feel, what I want to feel—and what I’m actually feeling is vast.
My therapist taught me about triggers. Triggers are seemingly little things—memories, rituals, conversations, tiny actions—that, when they occur, trigger a descent back to darkness. No matter how great a day, week or month you’re having, a trigger can come along and mess that up in seconds flat.
A trigger is when you think about going to the Santa Claus parade again this year, which makes you wonder if last year when he stepped away if he was really texting “work.” And then instead of being a functioning human with responsibilities and chores and deadlines and commitments, you’re curled up in bed because it’s just too much to deal with.
And it’s only November.
Stating the obvious, I’m still pretty angry. I’m angry about the affair, I’m angry I was oblivious to the affair, and I’m angry that my favourite season has become a reminder of all those things. The last one might seem petty and inconsequential in comparison, but there you have it.
My husband and I are trying to salvage our relationship. He is remorseful, says it was a huge mistake that will never happen again. Most days I believe him and I’m happy with the progress we’re making. Other days I’ll be knocked sideways by the sheer force of what he did, how carelessly he jeopardized his daughters’ security, and how perilously close he came to breaking their tiny hearts. But, if it ever comes time to give up, I’ll be able to look my kids in the eye and tell them, truthfully, that I gave it my all.
Most days I believe our relationship will survive. I have no idea how long I’ll be subject to triggers, unexplained absences from life and days spent hiding in bed, but my gut tells me if I can get through the next month, the worst will probably be over. The healing will continue for months, probably years, but I no longer feel the acute panic that the ground is shifting beneath me and that everything I know and rely on is wrong.
Recovery has been about patience and trust; patience for the process of healing and trust that staying together is the right decision. Having a sense of humour has been essential, as has giving myself things to look forward to. Declaring 2017-18 the Year of Me and doing more of what makes me happy has also helped.
These things are my defense against the monster, my way of pushing him back under the bed when he rears his ugly head.
Thank you so much for these 4 posts and sharing all of this. As someone who is on the same journey it’s nice to hear that it’s ok that I’m still struggling with all of it and yet can have moments or days where I’m happy. It’s such a confusing time but knowing I’m not the only one going through this helps. Thank you for sharing your life.
Yes, thank you for sharing. What you wrote is exactly what I’ve been dealing with lately. It was a year ago, around this time I found out about the affair. Yup, everything is a trigger, even decorating the tree the other night and thinking of what was happening a year ago at this same time. Some days I feel like we are on the road to a better place then other days I cannot believe I will move past and ever trust him again. Life! Though I’m glad that the other woman lives an 1.5 hr away. If she lived in the same city – I’d be constantly suspicious.
Amazing 4-part series. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one who feels the exact same feelings you articulated and that moving past infidelity isn’t just something you “get through” or “work around”. It is a wild and crazy roller coaster, and an incredibly alienating experience because it’s not exactly something you can freely share or admit to. A million thanks for putting down into words what I could not.
Thank you for your courage. I am going through the same thing in my life. At the end of November last year I found out about my partner of 12 years was having an affair with one of my students mother and our own daughter was in my class at then too. I was so broken it felt like. He denied it and I faked it through the holidays. The woman is from our own small community and I finally confronted her and asked if it was true and she admitted. I asked him to leave in January and we were separated for 3 months. He wanted to come back the whole time and I thought it would be better. Although its been very rough, I’m still uncertain if I made the right choice to work it out. I just don’t feel the love… I’ve even come to learn about narcissism and I think I’m living with one. Are you still with your husband today and have things gotten better for you?
I totally resonate with what you went through and may still be going through. It is the most isolating feeling. I have never felt so alone and unhappy in my life. I feel so stuck.
I hear your pain in your experience before you knew and after you knew.. those two worlds. The fake , The real.
I forgave my partner 2 times for affairs.. And 25 years later all the therapy, the my working on us, …. all it did was make him smarter. Able to hide it even better. To work that double life with more skill.
I was in recovery meetings for years. And I heard the same stories.. Follows the same map.
Get married, committed , promises… expect fidelity and truth.
You give it.
Then you find out your partner had an entirely different life aside from the nice cozy one with you. That ideal married and single at the same life high life.
Then something happens to break that fake reality.
The cheater gets jolted because they are going to lose that nice life with their giving partner, promise to change, going to stay for the kids, have seen the light, do and say most of the right things to get trust again. Basically are now willing or do below the baseline of what they promised you to start with. They know you are bonded to them . They like that they got you believing their ‘I am going to change’ New life goals. Integrity.
The betrayed stays.
Things go back to semi normal. He shows his good self. He is now smarter. More clever. More educated in how to cheat and placate the pathetic partner on the hook.
And wham.. there it is again. Another discovery. Another affair. This time more info. More stuff he left out now and allot more prior. It was hookers too. It was men too. It was not just one affair but he was having multi. And not just that one at work but basically anything that would touch him was game.
Except now the betrayed partner his shot not once but 100 bullets. And now she has a STD. And not the kind that just goes away with a visit to the doctor. Nah.. .A STD that has caused physical harm and risked her health and will forever.
So what now.. Stay again. Trust the proven cheater again… Sure why not.
More therapy , more worry, more life sucking , emotional draining , bleeding for the bare minimum in life for what … A POS that is what it is. A snake. Snakes bit. Is what they are. Is what they do. No point in asking why or expecting them to be any different.
MOVE on . Heal. Get this POS in your rear view mirror. FIND A Partner that is grown up, has integrity. A grown ass adult who does not offer up the bare minimum and make you beg for it , throw your crumbs while you waste your life away. Find your equal. Get what you deserve.
Stop investing in a relationship that throws you crumbs then screws you over.
Know your worth .
Know how little he is worth.
You are not his mother.
You are not his therapist.
You are not his to use and throw away object.
You are not a less than to be dismissed , ignored, rejected, REPLACED at a Whim by anything just because he is a weak boy , a manchilid, a broken POS.
You do not have to stay tethered to a Genetic Human connection. A wayward sperm downer that calls himself a husband.
GO FIND HAPPY in someone who is already happy, grown up, an adult, a full integrity , not broken person.
Get of that FKdUP ride you did not buy a ticket for.