Soften the Blow: How to Deliver Bad News

Each month, Paul and Carol Mott, the hosts of a morning radio show and force behind themotts.ca invite me on to the show as their resident Psychologist to dispense advice to their listeners. However, a couple of weeks ago, Carol asked for advice herself. She shared that she and Paul were taking care of their grand dog while their daughter and her boyfriend were away on a cruise. The day before the couple were due to return from their trip, the little dog, who was adored by all, deviated from her regular route as they made their way from the barn where their horses are housed. Surprised not to find her waiting for them as usual by the door to their home, they called her name and began searching. When they heard the screech of tires, their hearts leapt into their throats as they realized that the unthinkable had taken place.

Whether you’re an animal lover or not, you can imagine the devastation that they felt. Not only had they lost a beloved pet, they felt the heavy responsibility and guilt of this happening in their care and the sheer enormity of having to share this shocking news with their daughter and her boyfriend. To complicate matters further, Carol was thinking that her daughter might have become engaged on this trip and was likely to return eager to share the exciting news with them. They were sickened at the thought of robbing any joy from their announcement.

I reassured her that they had made the right decision not to share the news with their daughter and her boyfriend while they were gone. Helping them figure out how to share the news was much less straightforward. Ultimately, I said that there was really nothing they could do to avoid the shock and anguish the couple would feel but that I could offer some ideas on how to present the news in a comforting manner.

I suggested that rather than leading up to what had happened, and thereby creating even more anxiety as the couple waited for what they suspected was bad news, that they share it straightforwardly and without too much detail—something like (while holding their daughter’s hands) ‘I’m so sorry sweetie, Harley ran into the road and was killed.’ At first, the words were difficult for the couple to process. Shock is a normal reaction when awful news is given. Slowly, as they talked further, Carol and Paul were able to answer their questions in a gentle manner and reassured them that their beloved dog had not suffered at the end.

I reflected on this story about delivering shocking news as I recalled the times that I have been with family members when they too received shocking news from medical professionals—and wondered how those same doctors might deliver the same news to a family member. Would they take the person’s hand in theirs as they softened the news with care and empathy? Would they choose their words more carefully than what I have heard? Most recently, someone close to me was told that the tumours that the doctor saw looked ‘nasty’ and ‘serious’. This was even before a proper biopsy had taken place. And even then, does a patient really need adjectives to describe tumours—the mere mention of which is frightening enough?

Hearing shocking news is always rough, but I advise not to underestimate the huge difference they way the information is relayed can make.