We Have an Accountability Gap, Not a Parental Alienation Epidemic

Is there really a trend of going “no contact?”

If you’ve spent any time online recently, you may have noticed a pattern… Adult children are going “no contact.” Therapists trying to explain boundaries… Boomer parents are saying, “I tried my best! I have no idea what I did wrong.” And all of this is usually boiled down to, “This generation is too sensitive,” or “They’ve been turned against me,” and even, “It’s parental alienation.”

Even Oprah, who famously has no contact with her own family, created a podcast around the “trend” of going no contact.

Going no contact isn’t a trend. And in most cases, this isn’t alienation. It’s unresolved rupture and wounds from childhood and the parents’ refusal to repair.

Family Estrangement Is Rising

Estrangement within families is not new. And these days it’s more visible than ever.

According to research from the University of British Columbia and other North American family studies, a significant percentage of adults report being estranged from at least one family member. The most common reasons given are long-term patterns of emotional invalidation, boundary violations, and unresolved conflict.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist and co-author of Hold On to Your Kids, emphasizes that strong parent-child attachment is built through emotional connection and responsiveness. When children, even adult children, no longer feel emotionally safe or seen, attachment weakens. Providing is not the same as connecting and many adult children are making decisions based on connection (or lack thereof).

Alienation vs. Estrangement

True parental alienation, where one caregiver actively manipulates a child to reject another, does exist. However, most adult estrangement does not look like coordinated manipulation. Instead, it’s more likely to happen because an adult child says, “When I told you I was struggling, you dismissed it,” or “When I tried to set a boundaries, you ignored them,” and, “When I said something hurt me, you told me you didn’t mean it that way.” And then the parent responds, “That’s not how I remember it,” or “You’re too sensitive,” or “I did my best!”

In the case of being accountable as a parent, both things can be true, you did your best and it still caused harm.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a Vancouver physician and trauma expert, has written extensively about how emotional invalidation in childhood can shape adult nervous systems and relationships. When children repeatedly feel unseen or dismissed, they adapt, sometimes by disconnecting. And giving distance or going no contact is often a last resort, not a first reaction.

A Generational Divide

Many Boomers were raised in environments where their feelings weren’t openly discussed, therapy was stigmatized, obedience was prioritized, and authority went unquestioned. Their parenting emphasized resilience through toughness. Compare this with how Millennials and Gen Z grew up, in a very different cultural climate shaped by mental health awareness, attachment research, and open conversations about trauma.

Organizations like CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) consistently emphasize the importance of emotional validation and open communication in maintaining family relationships. So when adult children talk about “boundaries,” they aren’t inventing fragility. They are using language that wasn’t available to previous generations and that shift can feel threatening.

The Accountability Gap

We don’t have an epidemic of adult children randomly cutting off loving and reflective parents. There is a growing gap between parents who equate sacrifice and provision with good parenting and their adult children who equate safety with emotional accountability.

According to Kids Help Phone, young people most often seek support around feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or unable to safely express themselves at home. If those patterns continue into adulthood without repair, distance can follow because they felt unheard, not because someone “turned” them.

Here’s What Helps If an Adult Child Is Pulling Away

Familial estrangement can be repaired through humility and accountability. It is rarely solved by doubling down on authority.

Listen Without Correcting

You don’t have to agree with their memory but you do have to respect their experience. Try saying something like, “I may remember it differently, but I want to understand how it felt to you.” That one sentence can lower defensiveness on both sisdes.

Apologize Cleanly and Sincerely

Don’t say, “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Instead try, “I’m sorry. I handled that poorly.” and “You didn’t deserve that.” Family systems research shows that simply acknowledgment (without justification) is a key ingredient in reconciliation.

Respect Boundaries

Boundaries around frequency of contact, topics of conversation, or parenting choices are safety measures, not punishments. Repeatedly violating boundaries communicates that your comfort matters more than theirs whick rarely restores closeness..

Get Support, Not Reinforcement

If you’re feeling hurt, go talk to a therapist. Talk to a support group. Talk to someone who will help you reflect on the big picture,  not someone who will simply confirm that you’re the victim. True growth requires an outside perspective.

5 Ways to Not to Have Your Kids Go No Contact with You When They Grow Up:

Whether you’re parenting toddlers, school-aged children, or teens, this is a present problem, not a future problem. Long-term connection is built now, in small moments.

1. Prioritize Their Emotional Safety

Children thrive when they feel emotionally safe and can express distress without shame or ridicule. If your child cries and you tease or shame them about it, they learn to hide. If they tell you something hard and you react calmly, they will learn to trust you and trust keeps the relationship alive decades later.

2. Validate Their Emotions Before Correcting Behaviour

To an adult, a cancelled playdate may seem minor. But it can feel devastating to a child. If you respond with something like, “I can see that you’re really upset. That’s understandable,” you are teaching them that you (as a parent) are a safe space. Validating their emotions isn’t spoiling or coddling them. You are strengthening your attachment.

3. Model Accountability

If you snap or overreact, say so: “I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m sorry.” Children who are raised in homes where repair is normal grow into adults who expect and value repair in all of their relationships.

4. Stay Connected During Discipline

Assigning and enforcing consequences is part of parenting. Withdrawing should not be. Be sure to reconnect with your child after a conflict. Attachment research consistently shows that secure bonds are strengthened by repairing ruptures, not by avoiding them.

5. Let Them Be Who They Are Not Who You Think They Are or Want Them to Be

Your child is their own person. They will differ from you in many ways. They will have different interests, they may grow up to have different politics, or change their identity, and their personality may change from the one you are familiar with. Love and accept them anyway. If your love feels conditional on similarity, your children will feel it. Unconditional love and respect for children builds adult closeness.

The Long Game of Parenting

Besides your parents, think about the people you have strong adult relationships with. And the ones you don’t. Strong adult relationships aren’t a direct result of some kind of perfect childhood. If there is repair, respect, responsiveness, and reliability, there is a strong foundation for a loving and long-lasting family and chosen family relationship.

It’s safe to say that most people don’t want to cut off their parents. They want to feel emotionally safe. When parents are willing to reflect, evolve, and repair (even willing to just try) relationships can endure.

Going no contact isn’t a trend. We’re not seeing an alienation epidemic. For parents willing to lean into accountability, it’s an opportunity.

And while the phone does work both ways, it shouldn’t when you’re a parent.