Resume of a Three Year Old Boy

Erin Pepler August 20, 2017


Charming, handsome and precocious male child with over three years of experience in human existence. Sweet, outgoing, very smart, and prone to occasional bursts of rage. The Boy is extremely capable in all aspects of art, music, physical activity, humour, and snack food negotiation.

Highlight of Skills

Able to recite ABCs, count to 20 using mostly correct numbers, write name, and perform a vaguely-inappropriate, music video inspired dance to ‘Uptown Funk’.

Proven ability to sleep in on school days (but not weekends).

Exceptional selective hearing; independent leader and free-thinker (possible anarchist).

Excellent capabilities in grandparent manipulation, particularly in the areas of extended bedtimes, television exposure and sugar consumption.

Highly capable in Timbit acquisition from a variety of sources (see: excellence in unapproved sugar consumption).

Innovative (see: using t-shirt as napkin, using napkin as hat, etc).

Confident (see: thinking he can swim/fly/drive a car, etc).

Encyclopedic knowledge of dinosaurs, reptiles, sharks and some mammals (“the good ones”).

Outstanding conversation skills; demonstrated ability to project voice across rooms, public spaces and/or entire provinces, regardless of appropriateness.

Experience in one-on-one sibling combat; skilled in provocation and takedown (conflict resolution skills emerging – beginner level).

Exceeds expectations for cuteness, hilarity, affection, and amount of physical injuries to self/parents (see: two sets of stitches by age two; mild facial injuries to mother).


Attended preschool; not expelled (yay!)

Completed several extracurricular programs; only kicked out of one sports class for fighting (moderate success?)

Watches lots of Little Einsteins (must count for something)

Work Experience

Has done nothing to earn his keep, ever, really

Will perform menial tasks in exchange for snack foods


Depending on the day, parents may oblige

Same goes for friends

Grandparents are probably your best bet (see: manipulation)



This post originally appeared on and is shared here with the author’s permission. 

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