How to Discuss Traumatic Events with Children
Finding mass graves of lost Indigenous children. School shootings. Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Terrorist attacks on Israel. With scary and traumatizing events in the news taking place almost daily, your children may be frightened about their safety. You can try to shelter them from the news, but chances are they’ll hear about things at school. If you’re wondering what’s the best way to ease your child’s fears, here are my five tips for discussing traumatic events with children.
How to Discuss Scary News Stories & Traumatic Events with Children
1. Filter and Process Information
Use your own adult wisdom to properly screen the traumatic information coming to your child to ensure it’s age-appropriate. I suggest that for all kids, but for the most mature children, you simply turn off the radio and TV. And even if you think your toddler doesn’t understand what is being said on the TV, the visual images are frightening. You can get information on the event yourself later by reading about it online, or by watching the news after the kids go to bed. Discussions are less likely to incite fear and anxiety than a news report.
Even with the TV off, children will be hearing about the news through social media. With kids going online at younger ages than ever before, you will have to be prepared to explain, discuss, and help make sense of what they are hearing. Make your parental presence felt as that will create feelings of security.
2. Don’t Lie
When discussing scary news stories or traumatic events with children, whether it is a virus, a random shooting, an earthquake, or someone’s cancer diagnosis, it’s important that you be honest. Don’t lie. A child will likely uncover untruths and feel betrayed and a lack of trust in you . And they’ll wonder what is wrong with them that their own parents didn’t trust them enough to tell them the truth. Instead, decide which truthful elements are age appropriate to share. For a young child, you may simply say, “‘something tragic happened, and many people are upset because people died and many many people were scared.” For an older child, ‘There was a random shooting and someone was killed. A lot of people were there and so it caused a big public panic. A lot of people were hurt and traumatized.”
3. Help Them Feel Safe
The bigger job is to help our children make sense of what’s happening and restore a sense of calm security. Parents should reassure their children that Canada is one of the safest countries to live in and that we are doing everything we can to keep the entire community safe. When it comes to crime, remind your kids that Canada has a very low crime rate. In fact, random acts of violence are so rare that, statistically speaking, it’s far more dangerous to drive to the mall than eating in the food court with the possibility of gun violence. It’s far more likely you’d be hit by lightning than a stray bullet.
Lately, the news has been particularly gruesome, so this is also a good time to discuss media and how sensational stories capture more ratings than the more mundane ‘firefighter gets cat down from tree’ type story. If our media was properly balanced, we would all see that humanity is largely full of safe, loving people who do good deeds for one another. That is the more accurate depiction of our society.
4. Your Attitude Is Infectious
Your children observe your reactions as a barometer for knowing how they should be feeling about events. You cannot properly calm your child’s fears if you are still worried yourself. It’s important to maintain a calm reassurance when discussing traumatic events with children. Don’t overprotect or helicopter parent.
5. Respond to Needs for Extra Cuddles
It is natural for a child to become extra clingy when they have experienced some extreme stressor or trauma. They might even act baby-like in order to invite extra nurturing. Be generous with your love and cuddles. Touch has a powerful ability to release a cascade of chemicals in the body that helps relieve stress. Just be sure you don’t alter some basic limits and boundaries or feel pity. Pity sends the message, ‘I don’t believe you can manage,’ when in fact we want our children to know that we believe they can! That is a vote of confidence which builds their self-esteem and sense of security.
