We Need to Talk About Ariana Grande. How Thin Is Too Thin and Is It Any of Our Business?

The current discourse around Ariana Grande’s weight loss shows how difficult it has become to distinguish scrutiny from concern. And this is why parents cannot afford to remain silent.

When my daughter began losing weight, I noticed. But I didn’t notice how much at first. It was prime pandemic times. She was consistently swaddled in hoodies and sweatpants. But there would be the occasional glimpse. Did her wrist seem really tiny? Did her shoulder feel kinda bony? 

It was at a recital where we finally saw how severe things were. Her dance studio expressed concern. She was dancing a lot and running a lot and clearly not eating enough. I was worried. But I was also worried about addressing it badly.

I didn’t want to shame her. I didn’t want her to feel watched or judged. I didn’t want to turn every meal into a confrontation. And I worried that saying something might make the situation worse. I hoped things would balance out. They didn’t.

A trusted professional spoke to her about the importance of using food as fuel. She seemed to take heed and appeared to be eating more. I now know that what looked like more was not nearly enough and, as what happens when people genetically prone to eating disorders live in a calorie deficit for too long, her body became hypermetabolic and burned through that additional food even faster.

My daughter developed severe anorexia nervosa. She was hospitalized. She almost died.

I revisit my hesitation a lot. I’m not (still) punishing myself for things I wish I’d done differently. But I am stuck on how stuck I felt. In our necessary efforts to stop commenting on and policing other people’s bodies, we have made it increasingly difficult to distinguish criticism and judgement from concern.

And it’s in this uncertainty that eating disorders can flourish.

What Ariana Grande’s Body Has to Do With Our Kids

The publicity around Ariana Grande today offers a particularly revealing example.

For years, Grande has endured invasive commentary about her appearance. Photos taken years apart are compared. Her body is dissected and her health is debated as though she were public property.

The scrutiny is dehumanizing. A celebrity does not owe strangers an explanation for the shape or size of her body, and no one can diagnose another person from photographs or videos. And currently Ariana Grande is terrifyingly thin.

In 2023, Grande responded to the discussion herself. She explained that the body many people were describing as her “healthiest” represented an unhealthy period in her life. She said she had been taking antidepressants, drinking while taking them, eating poorly, and struggling emotionally.

She also asked people to become less comfortable commenting on other people’s bodies because even comments intended as compliments can be harmful. Her broader point (that we cannot know someone’s health from their appearance) is both compassionate and true. And my immediate first thought was that was exactly what someone with an eating disorder would say.

The reaction to any expression of concern about Grande’s appearance illustrates another problem.

Concern is dismissed as body-shaming. People who express concern are accused of being jealous, bitter, or simply angry that another woman is thinner than they are.

This is most common in pro-anorexia, or “pro-ana,” online spaces. These are online communities that glorify extreme thinness, encourage disordered behaviours, and turn weight loss into a competition.

The logic is circular and virtually impossible to challenge. If someone says a celebrity looks worryingly thin, they are called jealous. If the celebrity says she is naturally thin, she is accused of lying. If she says she eats normally, strangers scrutinize her meals. If she admits to dieting or exercising, her routine becomes competitive instruction.

If she says she is comfortable with her body, commenters identify the parts they believe she should change anyway. Nobody is actually permitted to be happy or comfortable in their body.

That is the lie at the centre of pro-ana culture. It presents itself as a defence of thin women, but it does not protect thin women, or any women. It requires every body to be available for evaluation, comparison, and correction.

Why “She Says She’s Fine” Doesn’t End the Conversation

To be clear, Ariana Grande’s explanation is not proof that she has an eating disorder. We don’t know anything definitive about her actual health, and we shouldn’t try to diagnose her from a distance.

And parents also need to understand that reassurance is not always proof that nothing is wrong.

Eating disorders affect how a person understands their body, behaviour, and degree of illness. Someone who is seriously unwell often minimizes what is happening, denies that there’s a problem, and offers explanations that sound perfectly reasonable. So that means that when we are talking about our kids, “I’m fine” cannot be the end of the conversation.

Eating disorders don’t announce themselves. They speak through the child you love.

There is always a reason they’re not eating. They ate earlier. They’ll eat later. They’re not hungry. Their stomach hurts. They’ve suddenly become vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free or committed to “clean eating.” They are exercising because it helps with stress. They insist that everyone is making too much of it.

Some of these explanations may be entirely reasonable. But when they appear with significant changes in eating habits, mood, social behaviour, exercise or physical health, parents should not wait for absolute certainty before seeking help.

Social Media Can Make Disordered Thinking Look Normal

Today’s pro-ana world does not announce itself with a hashtag.

It hides inside wellness content, “what I eat in a day” videos, fitness challenges, celebrity fan accounts, body-checking videos, and posts that treat hunger, food avoidance, or extreme thinness as evidence of discipline.

A 2024 study found that even brief exposure to pro-anorexia TikTok content was associated with an immediate decline in body-image satisfaction and greater internalization of societal beauty standards among young women.

We have Canadian data that shows how embedded social media body ideals have become in young people’s lives. A report from the Canadian government found that 30 per cent of cisgender girls, 21 per cent of transgender and gender-diverse youth, and 13 per cent of cisgender boys reported trying to achieve an ideal body shape by following a diet or exercise plan promoted on social media.

Today’s young people are encountering entire belief systems about which bodies deserve praise, ridicule, concern, or disbelief. And they are learning that extreme thinness must never be questioned, even when it is celebrated.

Concern and Cruelty Are Not the Same Thing

Two things are true. We should not scrutinize Ariana Grande’s body. We should not try to diagnose her, demand access to her medical information, or insist that she conform to the public’s preferred image of health.

At the same time, we need to be able to talk honestly about a culture that increasingly glorifies very thin bodies while also condemning any expression of concern about them.

Most importantly, parents need a way to express concern that is neither cruel nor accusatory.

Concern does not need to sound like:

• “You’re too thin.”
• “You look terrible.”
• “Just eat something.”
• “What is wrong with you?”

Instead, it might sound like:

• “I’ve noticed that eating seems to be causing you a lot of stress lately. How are you doing?”
• “I’ve noticed some changes in your eating, energy, and mood, and I’m concerned.”
• “You don’t have to convince me that everything is fine. I would rather check with a doctor and be reassured than ignore something important.”
• “I love you, and we are going to get some support together.”

The National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) recommends focusing on observed behaviours instead of appearance or weight, learning about warning signs, and affirming qualities that have nothing to do with food or physical appearance.

Eating-Disorder Warning Signs Parents Should Know

A change in weight alone does not indicate an eating disorder. People of every body size can experience eating disorders, and not everyone who loses weight has one.

These are the patterns of physical, emotional, and behavioural changes that parents should pay attention to:

• Increasingly rigid or restrictive eating
• Cutting out entire foods or food groups
• Avoiding family meals or making excuses not to eat
• Developing rituals around food
• Becoming preoccupied with calories, ingredients, weight, or body shape
• Exercising compulsively or becoming distressed when unable to exercise
• Withdrawing from friends and activities
• Becoming increasingly secretive, irritable, or anxious
• Wearing baggy clothing or layers that conceal the body
• Dizziness, fainting, weakness, feeling persistently cold or other physical changes

SickKids Hospital cautions that a child who stops growing or gaining expected weight may be showing a warning sign even if dramatic weight loss is not apparent.

It’s important that parents and caregivers understand that severe eating-disorder symptoms may require medical treatment even before a child’s physical condition becomes critical.

You Do Not Need to Be Certain Before Asking for Help

Looking back, I can see how much I didn’t know about something I thought I understood.

I did not understand how severe and terrifying an eating disorder truly is. I did not want to overreact or damage my daughter’s trust. And I did not want to be the kind of mother who scrutinized and monitored her daughter’s body.

But her eating disorder was already doing those things.

Noticing a change is not the same as criticizing. Expressing concern is not the same as shaming. Asking a doctor for help is not an accusation.

Parents shouldn’t wait until they can prove that their child has an eating disorder. We’re allowed to act when we recognize that something has changed and our child may not be safe.

Sometimes silence respects privacy. But silence protects the eating disorder.

I was afraid to say the wrong thing. I hoped my daughter’s eating habits and weight would stabilize and that I was worrying unnecessarily.

She almost died.

Eating disorders already have secrecy, denial, shame and social media on their side.

They do not need our silence too.

Where Canadian families can find help: The National Eating Disorder Information Centre provides Canada-wide information, resources, and support for people affected by eating disorders and those caring for them. Its Parents and Caregivers Collection includes warning signs, conversation guidance and information about treatment.

This is based on my experience and was read and approved of by my daughter. It is not a substitute for medical advice. Contact your child’s healthcare provider if you are concerned about changes in their eating, exercise, behaviour, growth, or physical health. Seek urgent medical attention when a child is fainting, confused, severely weak, experiencing chest pain, or appears medically unstable.