Dear NFL Network:
Wow, what a Super Bowl huh? Bet you didn’t see that coming.
Well don’t worry, I’m not writing to rehash the controversy but rather to submit my application for the 2021 Halftime Show. I have a feeling my credentials are exactly what you need right about now.
Full disclosure: I am in my forties and before you say ‘forget it, we already tried that’, rest assured I am no Jennifer Lopez. I am very white, a little chubby and entirely unsexy. I can neither sing nor dance. In fact, I have no talent whatsoever and am therefore completely unoffensive to your audience.
A woman such as myself should not be displayed on a world stage unless, of course, she is making muffins or vacuuming. As such, you will be pleased to note that I do not own stilettos, hair extensions, tassels or anything with sequins on it (unless you count my sleep mask). Hire me and there will be no gyrating on the stage (because, my knees), no crotch-grabbing (because, my last bikini wax was in 2015), and no stripper props. The only ‘poll’ will be the one we take to determine if I should perform in English or in English.
In my performance, there will be no boobs and no bush. I mean, who am I, the First Lady? Rest assured NFL, no young man or woman will experience his or her sexual awakening as a result of my show. Football is not about scantily clad women dancing in sparkly clothes and shaking their asses during breaks in play, so let’s give the people what they want: a pasty white woman speaking English in a turtleneck.
Furthermore, my performance will be void of any political statements. That’s right, no Puerto Rican flags and no children in cages masquerading as ‘entertainment’. In fact, I can guarantee there will be no entertainment at all unless you want me to bring the house down with my harmonica but let’s walk before we run here.
There will be no insidious themes meant to trick the audience into thinking women are equal. Let Lopez and Shakira sell that female empowerment, body positivity, ‘our diversity is our strength’ nonsense somewhere else, amiright? I mean, anyone THAT old and THAT sexy must be a witch. That’s just science and we won’t allow it on our watch.
Enclosed you will find an audition video of me doing the Sprinkler and the Lawnmower dances. I know they’re a tad risqué given how everyone seems to feel about hip movement but I promise to keep it PG. Think Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but less sexy.
In closing, hiring me means returning to a world where only male performers and young women can act sexy. Hiring me means no one will have to think too much about the state of the world, and no one will be offended or enlightened. Together we can ensure the most exciting thing about the big game is the commercials.
Call me when you’re ready to schedule the press conference.