How Putting Myself First Is Putting Myself *Last*

Yes, I know I “deserve the purse.” Maybe I just didn’t want it. Maybe that mother decided she didn’t need it, not because she can’t afford it, but because she already has too many purses and her closet is out of control. Maybe putting myself first is putting myself last. The judgement is coming from inside the house.

The “She Deserved the Purse” trend has now been hijacked and commodified, turning what was meant to be a meaningful act into something shallow and commercial. And my choices to prioritize others have been misunderstood and judged judged as self-neglect rather than me expressing my true self.

People jump to conclusions about what others need, should want, or should do, projecting their own values or insecurities onto someone else’s choices. And so, the empowering message of rewarding oneself OR NOT with an impulse buy in the form of a glitzy purse has been overshadowed by judgment and commercialization. I get it.

Society diminishes personal choices. A woman’s decision to buy herself a purse or not gets buried under layers of misunderstanding, projection, and judgment. And so, we invalidate her. Can we stop that, please?

I *Am* Putting Myself First

As a society, we value self-assertion and individualism. So the concept of putting oneself “last” is frequently misunderstood and interpreted as self-neglect or martyrdom. They are making the assumption that anyone who prioritizes others must be sacrificing their own well-being. And you know what happens when you assume. For me, putting others first is not an act of obligation or submission. It’s a choice that nourishes my soul in profound ways. It is actually putting myself first, because it aligns deeply with my inner values and sense of purpose.

This is frustrating when others don’t or can’t recognize my motivation. Instead of seeing selflessness as expressions of love, care, and duty, it’s perceived as a sign of disempowerment. It suggests that I’m pressured by external sources or an innate lack of self-regard. For me, it’s not “self-sacrifice.” It is intentional and empowering. And lately, it’s literally how I get out of bed.

I don’t neglect my needs or desires. And I achieve a sense of fulfillment through the well-being of others. Helping, supporting, and nurturing others is a deeply rooted source of joy and satisfaction for me. Did you watch The Bear? The “Forks” episode really brought things home for me.

Misunderstanding My Intent

Some think I am being manipulated or controlled, and suggest that my choices are rooted in a fear of conflict or a need to please others. This overlooks my freedom and the intentionality behind my decisions. I am not a passive participant in my own life. I make choices that reflect my values and beliefs. Putting others first is not a reaction to external pressures. It’s a response to my internal calling.

When I decide to support the needs of someone I love or care about, I am not caving to the expectations of others. I am acting in a way that aligns with who I am. And I don’t do anything expecting reciprocity. My love and care is not transactional. And while I do often struggle to ask for help, I have absolutely no difficulty accepting it.

Gaining Fulfillment

Connecting with others is fulfilling to me. The satisfaction I gain from seeing others happy, supported, and cared for feeds my own sense of purpose. Making someone else’s well-being a priority engages me in a relational exchange that gives my life meaning. This exchange is reciprocal, even if it doesn’t always appear that way to others.

Investing in someone’s happiness or helping someone overcome a struggle gives me something intangible but deeply valuable in return—validation of my values and fulfillment of my desire to nurture. I’m not left depleted, as others imagine I must be. I’m filled with a sense of purpose and inner peace that no self-focused endeavour could ever replicate. In this way, putting myself “last” is really putting myself “first,” because I am choosing what feeds my soul.

No Judgement, Please

Fulfillment is different for everyone. For some, it might come come from asserting boundaries and prioritizing personal desires. For others (eg. me) it mostly comes from the opposite. I feel fulfilled seeing others thrive. I love knowing if I contributed to their well-being. I don’t think this makes me weak, controlled, or self-sacrificing. It’s empowering for me to know I can help or make a difference.

When I put others first, I am not losing myself. I am finding myself in the love, connection, and support I offer. I actively choose paths that reflect my values and enrich my spirit. It’s annoying that my choices are misunderstood or even devalued. My actions are intentional and rewarding to me. I’m not being controlled nor am I attempting to control others.

Who Cares if She Deserves the Purse? What if She Just Didn’t Want It?

So maybe she already has too many purses. Maybe seeing the baby items reminded her that she is trying to be more fiscally responsible. Maybe choosing not to get the purse felt empowering to her. If you’re benefiting from someone’s labour, maybe just say “thank you” instead of judging them for what you think they’re not doing for themself.