I Gave My 15-Year-Old Daughter a 1 am Curfew. Am I Crazy?
I think I made a colossal parenting blunder by giving my 15-year-old daughter a 1 am curfew.
In my defence, I often find myself clueless, when it comes to raising a teenager, especially these days when teens seem to be far savvier than I ever was when I was a teen. In fact, I’m more clueless raising a teen than I ever was raising a baby or getting through the toddler years.
This past weekend, as my daughter was heading to a party, she asked, “What time is my curfew?” It was the first time she had asked me this question – she’s only starting to go to parties every weekend with friends – and I didn’t have a clue how to answer, and somehow my mouth worked faster than my brain, which hadn’t exactly processed the question.
“You have to be home by 1 am,” I said, then immediately thought, “Wait. That’s late for a 15-year-old. Can I take that back?” Still, my daughter wasn’t exactly thrilled and responded with, “That’s SO early!”
Early? EARLY? But I stuck to my guns.
My daughter then threw some shade at me – her mother! – on her Instagram page the next day, after posting a photo of her and her friends who went to a movie after the party, using Uber to get to the theatre.
My daughter wrote on her Instagram, “Sorry I had to leave. My fucking 1 am curfew. SMH!” I immediately had to look up what ‘SMH’ meant because I’m old. (SHM, it turns out, means ‘Shake My Head.’) So, of course, being the wonderful mother I am, commented back on her Instagram thread. “So sorry for your fucking 1 am curfew. Want to make it 12 am instead?” My daughter, amazingly, thought my serious response was pretty funny and she commented back, “Noooo Mommy! I love you sooooo much!”
Sigh.
When I was her age, I most definitely had a curfew, and I can tell you that curfew was way earlier than 1 am. I wasn’t allowed a 1 am curfew until I was at least 17-years-old.
But, truthfully, iPhones and Ubers have changed the curfew game. My daughter told me that yes, some of her friends have curfews at 11 pm, but, amazingly, many other of her friends didn’t have a curfew at all!
Those who don’t have any curfews, my daughter explained, had to text their parents throughout the night. Still? Really? No curfew? Are you even the parent of a teenager if you don’t set a curfew? I’m talking about 15-year-olds, not 19-year-olds!
Of course, I worry about my 15-year-old daughter and her friends being out past midnight, because, well, does anything good ever really happen after midnight when it comes to teenagers?
I actually had to set my alarm on my phone for 1 am because I couldn’t (and didn’t want to because I had a six-year-old to take care of the next day) stay up that late. I also demanded that my daughter come into my bedroom when she got home, not just because I wanted to know that she was home safe, but so I could do a ‘sniff test’ to make sure she hadn’t been drinking. Make no mistake, I do not condone underage drinking, but teenagers drinking is a fact.
My daughter made her 1 am curfew and passed the sniff test. The following night, she had another party to go to, which didn’t start until 9 pm, and I had to remind myself that, yes, once upon a time, I didn’t leave the house until 11 pm. But that happened in my late teens, not at 15-years-old! So my daughter was leaving the house just as I was getting into bed for the night with my six-year-old.
Because I thought that 1 am was too late, I made her curfew the next night, for 12:30 am and she made it home on time, and again, passed the sniff test. I think my daughter is well aware that if she didn’t make curfew, there would be stiff repercussions.
The problem with curfews is that there is no universal guide, based on age, to what is an acceptable curfew, especially these days, when almost every 15-year-old has their own phone, and parents can check in on them incessantly.
Also, because of Uber, teenagers these days, at least teenagers who live in a city, don’t have to rely on parents to pick them up. All of them just Uber to and from parties, which is both a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that I don’t have to pick up my daughter at an ungodly hour. The curse is that I worry about her getting home.
In this article, for advice on curfews and teenagers, it says, “For teens between 14 and 16, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends an 8 or 9 pm curfew on school nights and 10 or 11 pm on weekends…”
Well, if a party starts at 9 pm it’s kind of hard to demand that my daughter, who falls between 14 and 16-years-old, be home at 10 pm. Just as the party would be starting, she’d have to leave. The article also states, “You should establish a curfew based on what’s best for your teen and what’s best for your family.”
In my opinion, those are two very different things. What’s best for my family, which includes just my six-year-old, would be for my daughter to be home by 10 pm, since my six-year-old gets up by 6 am and, as I said, I find it quite difficult to stay up past 11 pm nowadays, especially knowing that my six-year-old is going to exhaust me the next day. But why should my 15-year-old daughter not be allowed to have fun, as a teenager, just because her brother is much younger and needs to go to bed early, as do I?
What’s best for my teen, who is generally stressed out during the week with homework, and who also studies ridiculously hard, is that she enjoy her teenage years. She’s supposed to go to parties. She’s supposed to hang out with friends. She’s supposed to have her own social life. And, yes, she’s supposed to have, and make, curfew.
I’ve always said that kids these days act TWO years older than when we were kids, meaning what I was doing at 15, she was doing at age 13, and what I was doing when I was 17, she is doing at age 15.
Mothers of teens: Do you impose a curfew on your teenagers? And, if so, what do you base it on? I could really use some help because I am curfew-clueless.
About the dilemma of the 11 pm curfew guidance from the Pediatricians’ association and the party starting at 9: isn’t part of the problem the fact that parents are not on the same page??? What parent is allowing a 15 year old to host a party that STARTS at 9? I’m reading this article because we had a curfew issue with my almost 14 year old boy last night. He was the only one who had to come home at 10 (partly because dad and I too tired to go out later).
Yes you are a clueless parent. No respectable parent allows their 15 year old to start a party at 9 or 10…. Your daughter should be home and ready for bed at 10…
Oh I hear ya – same dilemma here! Party starts at midnight!! Well, he could go hang out at a friends house then walk to the party later. I gave him a 1:00 am curfew – sorry bud…. I’m still torn – some of his friends have super strict parents and in my experience, that tends to backfire in the long run. I’d rather build a relationship of trust, respect and agreement instead of control (there are repercussions when he breaks the rules / makes poor choices and he knows that and accepts that consequence – those are non negotiable). It’s so hard to give them a bit of freedom, let them make their own choices and mistakes to prepare them for adulthood yet balance that with all the scary / bad things out there that they’re exposed to and have access to. It’s a tough one…
Hello
I don’t usually write on these forums, but thought I should, as i see many bashing this mother for letting her kid stay out until 1 at age 15? My daughter is 15 in high school, they see more drugs, vaping, drinking at school then half the time at parties. If you shelter these kids, they will rebel and find a way to do it anyway or something even worse. Some kids are more social than others, my now 24 year old son was more of a gamer, went to some parties, but could careless really, my daughter on the other hand just loves to be around her friends, i have her on life 360, she answers whenever i call, i know all her friends. I have more than educated in the drinking and drugs department since they were young, i was a paramedic for many years, i shared several stories. She knows you break the rules, there is consequences. I think every teen is different and its up to that parent. to say your a horrible parent because your teen is not tucked in by 10-11 is ridiculous, and how parties that start at 9-10 is a crazy start time? I dunno when you went to parties as a teen i’m sure it was not at 6pm, hence being called a “party”. So many act like they were never a teen, or maybe some of you were the ones at home every night. I think maybe some need to read some psych books to figure out that teens need these experiences to grow and learn, not be squeezed to death by their parents.
1 am for a 15 year old isn’t cool, it’s not parenting. Or at the very least, not smart parenting. Do what you want, but 15 is a CHILD, hell, 18 is still a child. It is totally irresponsible to allow a 15 year old to stay out until 1am, regardless of your ‘cool parent’ agreement. Glad or hope it works out for you, but it’s bad form to make it sound like an 11pm curfew is ‘squeezing your kid to death’.
1am is not allowing them to build experience, it’s abdicating your responsibility as a parent and throwing them into the deep end. Slowly building experience, where they see something’s and start to learn to trust their gut. Kids at that age think the only trouble that can come their way is the trouble they’re looking for, but the reality is, things can hit the fan real quick through no fault of their own and trouble can find them. The only way for them to understand what a bad situation looks like before it happens, sadly, is to over time see and hear about kids like yours.
1 AM for a
15 year old??? Nope. Nothing good happens after 11pm. Your child is still considered a MINOR.
Be a parent not a friend.