Why Do My Kids Only Listen When I Yell?

My kids are both teens now so I’m a bit further along in my parenting journey. They are kind and pretty responsible human beings. It was not easy. We are a very neurodivergent family (I call us an alphabet soup) and supporting delayed executive functioning for two human beings when your own is severely lacking resulted in a great deal more nagging than I ever wanted to do. And it often felt my kids only listen when I yell or shout, which is the kind of parent I totally did not want to be.

So that fantasy of kind reminders and a harmonious home of little helpers was a long time coming. And I really wished there would have been another way. So I posed the question to my robot friends at Chat GPT, “Why do my kids only listen when I yell?” I gotta say, I have never felt more validated and for the first time I see where I could have tried different things. Here’s what they said…

Why Do My Kids Only Listen When I Yell?

Chat GPT Answers:

It’s frustrating when it feels like yelling is the only way to get your kids to listen, but it’s a common struggle—especially with teens and neurodivergent kids. There are a few possible reasons why this happens:

1. They’ve Become Desensitized to Your Regular Requests

If you’ve repeatedly asked them to do something in a calm voice but they’ve learned that nothing really has to happen until you get frustrated and raise your voice, they might unconsciously wait for that cue. They might not be ignoring you out of defiance, but because they’ve associated urgency with volume.

2. Neurodivergence Plays a Role

Neurodiversity can affect how your children listen (or don’t listen). If your child has ADHD, they might genuinely struggle with task initiation, shifting focus, and prioritizing non-preferred activities. A child having ASD may make transitions or unexpected requests difficult. When you yell, it creates an adrenaline rush, which forces their brains into action. This doesn’t mean they need yelling—it means they need different motivation structures that work before you get to that point.

3. They Struggle with Auditory Processing or Task Prioritization

Some kids (especially those with ADHD or ASD) don’t always process verbal instructions immediately, especially if they’re engaged in something else (like their phones or games). They may genuinely not hear or not register what you’ve said the first time.

4. They Respond to Emotion Over Words

When you’re calm, they might not feel urgency. When you’re yelling, they feel the emotional weight and take action. They may not be responding to your words but rather the emotion behind them.

What Can You Do Instead?

Change How You Get Their Attention

Before giving a request, get eye contact, a verbal response, or a physical cue. Saying “Kiddo, look at me” before making a request ensures he’s processing it. Some parents touch their child’s shoulder gently or use a hand signal instead of yelling.

Use “First, Then” Statements

“First, put your dishes in the sink, then you can go back to your phone.”
“First, finish this assignment, then you can game.”

Give a Countdown or Warning

“In five minutes, I need you to do X.” Then follow up.

Use Logical Consequences

Instead of yelling, follow through with action. Example: If your child doesn’t get off their phone when asked, instead of yelling, calmly say, “Since you didn’t listen the first time, I’m going to take it for X time.”

Lower Your Voice Instead of Raising It

It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes whispering a serious request gets their attention more than shouting.

Make Expectations Clear Ahead of Time

If you always have to yell to get them to the dinner table, try setting a routine expectation: “Dinner is at 6. If you’re not here by then, you’re responsible for reheating your own food.”

Consider When Yelling Might Actually Be Necessary

Sometimes, urgency is warranted (like safety concerns). But for everyday instructions, if yelling is your default, it can lose its effectiveness.

Would any of these approaches work in your house? Or do you think the issue is something different?