What Moms REALLY Want for Valentine’s Day (and Every Day)
Apologies in advance. This is a bit of a rant. It includes some uncomfortable words: Feminism. Patriarchy. Valentines Day. Because what moms really want for Valentines Day — and every day — even if they do not identify as a feminist (although they actually are a feminist unless they really do believe they are not equal to men) is EQUALITY. More specifically, moms want (and deserve) to be treated as equal partners in their relationships and households. This means an equitable division of chores and tasks and responsibilities and childcare.
According to a recent study by Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, women fall out of love before their husbands do. Getting stuck running the household and raising children with a lack of help and support by their male partners is the main reason. But help and advice online and on social media is almost always geared towards women and how to pussyfoot around the issue and let him do things his way instead of towards men that say, “Bro, step up and start helping your wife.” I even find it offensive to suggest that the narrative is encouraging husbands to help their wives. It should probably be, “Bro, step up and start adulting.”
Don’t Just Call Yourself a Feminist. BE a Feminist.
This is the Cambridge Dictionary‘s definition of feminism:
the belief that women should be allowed the same rights, power, and opportunities as men and be treated in the same way, or the set of activities intended to achieve this state:
Why on Earth would any woman say she is not a feminist? How can you be married to someone who would say he does not believe in feminism? Well, that’s probably because of the patriarchy.
The World Is a Mojo Dojo Casa House
This is the Cambridge Dictionary‘s definition of patriarchy:
a society in which the oldest male is the leader of the family, or a society controlled by men in which they use their power to their own advantage:
We live in a patriarchy. Chances are, even if you did not take your husband’s last name after marriage, your children have his last name. That’s patriarchy. If the balance of responsibilities in your home is not equal, it is likely skewed so that you are managing more. That’s patriarchy. And not unlike white people understanding and acknowledging their privilege in a racist society, men acknowledging their privilege in a patriarchal society means they will have to give up some of the benefits afforded them that they don’t recognize as benefits because it’s just their normal life. Not sure if your beloved husband has been influenced by the patriarchy? Chances are you may recognize him somewhere in this list by feminist writer Zawn Villines of over 100 “Dad Privileges” afforded to men thanks to our patriarchal society. And Zawn pulls no punches in her piece, You’re not a good dad if you don’t do these things. Most of her work is behind a paywall however she does publish a lot of free content as well. My guess is you’ll eventually find yourself hooked on her writing and will actually subscribe. She’s worth it. So on to the point of this rant, and some ideas for Valentines Day gifts that moms actually want. Here are a few, thanks to Zawn:
Stop being sexist…
Do your share of household labour and get involved in parenting your children. We know it’s hard. Your wife has been doing most of it.
Actually get her a gift…
Yes, Valentine’s Day is a commercial, made-up holiday, and women shouldn’t be made to feel bad for wanting to be acknowledged by the man they love on a commercial, made-up holiday that’s all about love. Don’t teach your kids that presents are for everyone but mom. Ahem, see Christmas.
Stop making excuses…
Her standards are not unreasonable. And even if they’re higher than yours (likely) using that as an excuse for not helping is ridiculous. Would you say that to your boss at work? Unlikely. She’s not gatekeeping. Trust me, she would gladly accept your help with most things.
